Ep 94: What to do when relationship change feels exhausting
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
Relationships sometimes hit a season that feels like living in a house mid-renovation — dust everywhere, no working bathroom, and everyone a bit frazzled. If that’s you, this is your dose of grounded encouragement and a practical plan to help you hold hope while you do the work.
I’m a firm believer that many relationships can change when two people are willing and supported. Not every partnership should continue — safety comes first — but far too many couples go without help until crisis hits. If you’re ready to work, there’s a path forward.
Why Hope Matters (And Why It’s Hard)
When you’re in the thick of it, the mental game is everything. You need reasons to believe your effort will be worth it. Hope isn’t fluffy thinking; it’s built from evidence: your strengths, your partner’s strengths, the supports you can access, and the specific actions you’re taking.
The Three Layers of Change
Relationship change is complex because three things often need to shift at once:
you,
your partner, and
the pattern between you.
Progress in one area helps the others, but it does take time. You’ll need ways to reassure yourselves while the work is underway.
Build Your Case for Hope: Start With Strengths
List what you each bring to the table.
Your personal strengths: mindset, skills, profession, temperament, connections, practical talents.
Your partner’s strengths: problem-solving style, care, reliability, insight, networks, practical skills.
Your combined strengths: what’s powerful about you as a team?
Write it down. This is your first layer of evidence that you have what’s needed.
Audit Your Support System
Who and what can help you right now?
People: a trusted friend, a wise colleague who’s changed their relationship, a mentor, a supportive family member.
Professionals: couples counselling, individual therapy, a reputable course or workshop.
Resources: books, podcasts, guided exercises, values or communication tools.
Notice any gaps and decide what you’ll add.
Turn Support Into Clear Next Steps
Vague intentions don’t change much. Choose actions and timelines:
Book a first counselling session this week.
Borrow or buy the same relationship book and discuss it every Wednesday for a month.
Listen to an audiobook together on a commute and debrief after dinner.
Enrol in an online course and schedule the modules in your diaries.
Make it concrete and calendar it.
Focus on Micro-Steps, Not the Whole Motorway
Big transformations are built from small, repeatable behaviours. Pick a handful of micro-actions:
Offer one daily gesture of care (tea, coffee, a lift, a genuine check-in).
Schedule a simple date or a morning walk to create positive contact.
Practise one communication tweak for a fortnight (staying on one topic; pausing before responding; summarising what you heard).
Create one thing to look forward to (a night away next month).
Tiny, consistent moves change the climate.
Make a “Change Map” You Can Both See
Be specific about what needs to shift for each of you and for the relationship. Swap vague labels like “communication” for concrete skills and behaviours:
Mine: stop working into weekends; use a pause when dysregulated.
Theirs: raise issues kindly; follow through on agreed tasks.
Ours: plan fun monthly; weekly admin meeting; repair after conflict.
Put it in writing. A map tracks progress, clarifies next steps, and reveals when one or both of you aren’t following through.
Helpful tool: try my “What’s Wrong” worksheet to pinpoint exactly what needs to change and where to start. You’ll find it on my website.
Borrow Proof From Other People
Seek stories of couples who’ve rebuilt well. Read, listen and learn the patterns that worked for them. Exposure to real examples strengthens your belief that change is possible — and gives you a practical formula to copy.
Create Time and Energy On Purpose
Change takes effort. Decide where that energy will come from:
Pause a voluntary commitment.
Say no to some social plans for a season.
Set firmer work boundaries or decline overtime.
Simplify family logistics to free up evening bandwidth.
Protect the time you’re dedicating to repair.
Share Safely With a Small Circle
Choose one or two safe people each to talk to. Being honest with a trusted friend provides relief, perspective and accountability — without creating a chorus of outside opinions.
Do Self-Care Together
Not everything can be hard slog. Build in shared restoration:
Walks by the water, a film, a live show, something novel.
A regular early night, phones down.
Cooking together with music on.
Fun, calm and novelty help nervous systems settle — the foundation for connection.
Relationships are intricate, but they’re also a source of pride, companionship and growth. With a clear map, the right support, and steady micro-steps, many couples surprise themselves with how far they can come. Hold hope, take the next small action, and let the evidence of change build week by week.
If you’d like more support, you’ll find resources, associate counsellors, and my Give Me 10 Minutes programme on charlottecummings.nz. You can also explore the podcast back catalogue for focused episodes to guide your next step.
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Well, hello and welcome to this episode of the Feel Better podcast.
I am covering a topic today that in my observation is really important for couples who are working on their relationship. There are times for couples when things are in a bit of a pit, when their relationship is under serious renovation and it's kind of at the stage where like we don't even have a working bathroom, like it's a mess. Things are not functioning well.
It is in a difficult space. And in those times, one of the key challenges is the mental game, is keeping ourselves buoyant and hopeful in what our relationship is going to look like in the next chapter while we're in a stage where it's being worked on and it's a bit messy. And I've observed from my work with couples over the years that my encouragement to them, my hopefulness with them, my reassuring them about why I think it is going to be OK and why they've got something that's worth holding on to here, I notice that that is really, really important for them.
And it's so often something that couples appreciate. I love it when I get to the end of a session with a couple and they say, oh, we just feel so much better now. We feel like we've got a plan.
We know where we're headed with this and we just we feel like we can do it again. And one of the reasons I started this podcast was to be able to help people even if they can't make it to counselling. So not everyone has the ability to be able to go and see a counsellor for whatever reason.
So I want you, if you are working on your relationship right now, to have a bit of a dose of encouragement from me, but also for me to help you build the case for what it is that you've got to hold on to in your relationship so you can properly reassure yourself. This isn't just a pep talk to make you feel good about working on your relationship. This is some stuff that you can build evidence around of what is it that we've got to stand on when it comes to being hopeful about our future.
Now, I just want to share a little bit about my stance when it comes to relationships. I get it that not every relationship is meant to continue on. And in some cases, it is really helpful and healthy for couples to part ways, for two individuals to go their separate way.
The dynamic does not work and it's something that you just need to call time on. However, one thing that I am pretty firm in believing is that there are actually so many relationships that with support could change. If people are ready to do the work, if they can be supported in doing that, if we can build a solid plan and help people move forward together, then so often there are things that can change that can radically change the relationship.
Relationships are woefully under supported. We don't have a culture around supporting relationships or systems and processes that allow people to easily access help, which means most of the time people only get help in a crisis and there's a lot of damage already being done at that point. So yes, I'm going to show my cards here.
I am a believer that a lot of relationships can work with the right help and with two people who are willing to do the work. Our lessons in life are repeated until we learn them. So maybe your relationship ends, but you're still going to be you in the next relationship with the same issues.
So, so often I'm encouraging people, why don't you try and work this out with this person? And actually, if you don't work this out, it's probably just going to be a pattern that repeats itself. So relationships are an invitation to do our own work and there are often ways through issues. So I am a big believer in that, maybe a little bit biased because I've seen so many relationship turnarounds over the years in my practice.
But the perspective that I want to bring is how can you make your relationship work and how can I help you with that? One of the difficulties when it comes to change in our relationships is that so often there are three things that need to change. There is something going on for one person in the relationship, something going on for the other person, and then there's the relationship change. So it's a little bit complicated in that regard because there are two individuals who are needing to make change, to heal, to do things differently in their own respects.
And then there is the relationship that is also needing to change, the dynamic between those two people. Now, one person changing, the other person changing, that often brings some automatic change to the relationship, but there are kind of three pots on the boil when it comes to change in our relationships and that does get a little bit complicated. All of that is to say that changing relationships takes time.
It is something that does not happen overnight and you need the ability to reassure yourself through the process of working on things. So let's dive into what are the reassurances that you can hold on to while you're working on your relationship. This is my pep talk to you.
So let's dive into exploring what are the reassurances that you can hold on to while you're working on your relationship. This is my pep talk, some things to hold on to to get you through. The first is think about your personal skills, attributes and resources.
So what is it that you bring to the table of change within this relationship? What is it about you as a person, your strengths, the way you look at things, even maybe your professional background that help you as you go about this change. Maybe you're a teacher and you're someone who understands concepts and you're committed to learning. Well, that's something that you bring to this process.
Maybe you're an engineer and your mind is, maybe you're an engineer and it's easy for your mind to see things that are broken or wrong and how things work together. Maybe you're a nurse and you feel really compassionate towards other people. And that's a strength that you bring to this relationship change.
Maybe you've got good connections to people that you can talk to, who you're able to have honest conversations with. Maybe you're someone who is able to see tasks and steps really clearly. What is it that you bring to the table of this process of change within your relationship? And next, you're going to think about the same thing for your partner.
What is it for your partner that they bring? What are their strengths, the things that they bring from their background of experience, maybe even the ways of thinking that come from their profession? What are the connections that they have that can benefit this relationship? But you're going to add those things up. So what is it about me that makes me a good person for doing this change? What is it about them that they bring to the table? And now what do we have together? Now, if I was doing that for me and my husband, I would say for me, I'm someone who can see steps. I can see tasks.
I can get things done. I can make change in practical ways so I can make new routines. I find it easy to do that kind of thing.
I'm also naturally a positive and hopeful person. So I'm good at noticing the things that do change and being positive about those things. I've also got a bunch of connections that are really helpful if things are tough.
For my husband, he is really practical. He is really able to dive deep in his thinking in terms of working out what's wrong. Before he was a helicopter pilot, he was a mechanic and an engineer.
He can see what is broken and what needs to be fixed and see how the parts all work together. Now, if I think about our relationship, they are the things that we would be bringing to the table if our relationship was under renovation. So my encouragement to you is to do that for your relationship.
Step through. What is it that you bring? What is it that they bring? And that gives you a whole lot of evidence of what's and that gives you a whole lot of evidence of things that are going to help you through this time, some things that you can hold on to. Then my encouragement is to think about the support that you have.
So that might be a colleague at work who managed to change their relationship that you're able to speak with about their journey of making things better. Maybe that is someone that you know who also got through being a workaholic and they can share their journey and their experience with you. Maybe you meet this really amazing person that you find inspiring and they're a new person in your life.
Maybe you have the ability to go and see a counsellor or maybe you have the resources to do a course or get some books or whatever it is that you're able to access. Think about what supports you've got on the table at the moment. What is around you? And really broadly, not just like counselling or not counselling, but who have we got around us who are helpful people to have on our side at this time? Maybe you've got a parent who's really encouraging.
Maybe you've got a friend who is really lovely in terms of checking in with you, knowing that there's some big stuff that's going on. Think about what is it that you've got happening that's positive already on the support front. Then there is an opportunity to think about gaps.
What could we do differently? What's within our power to change? What is it that we can do that we can add into the mix? What is it that we might like to access in terms of other supports to help us to do things differently? So this is really getting you to think about what's going on currently in terms of support, and then to think about what else could be on the table and what you want to access. Then my encouragement is to make some concrete plans around that. So maybe you want to do a course and you're going to sign up for it this week.
Maybe you want to both get the same book from the bookshop or the library and both read that together. And you're going to do that within the next month. And you're going to sit down on a Wednesday night to talk about what you're learning, or you're going to download that audio book to listen to together.
And you're going to have a chat about that every second night, like be quite concrete about what are our next steps when it comes to support. And then on the note of next steps, I think this is something that is so important. We need to see the little steps, not the whole road that is before us.
So what are the next things that I need to do in terms of taking action towards how I want my relationship to be? What are the little micro tasks and the things that would be helpful along that journey? Maybe things are feeling really cold in our relationship at the moment. And yes, we can both get up in the morning and make our own coffees. But maybe what I want to do is start making coffee for my spouse and giving it to them.
And having that little moment where there is a gesture of kindness and support and service to the other person. Think about what are the next little steps. It might be booking some time away together.
So you've got something to look forward to. So get that happening. Make those arrangements.
What are the micro steps that are going to lead you to get through this next little bit? Not thinking about what are the giant leaps that take you to that final destination that you'd really love to be at in terms of how your relationship is. The other thing I think can be quite helpful, and this is a bit of a big task. Is to create a little bit of a map about what is going on.
So think about what actually needs to happen here. Now I've got a resource on my website called What's Wrong that is really helpful in getting couples thinking about exactly what it is that needs to change. So often couples come to me for counselling and they say one of two things.
They say we need to work on our conflict or our communication. And I'm like, great, but what do you actually mean by that? Do you mean like when it comes to conflict that you need to talk about one thing at a time or need to be able to not take things personally? Or when it comes to communication, do you need to be faster at raising issues? Like exactly what is it that needs to be worked on? So get really specific with your map and going, I am needing to work on boundaries around work cutting into our weekend, or I need to work on staying cool when I'm feeling emotionally dysregulated, or they need to work on being able to speak more kindly when there is something that they're wanting to raise. Like get those things out on paper, get the map there of the them and my things, the your things, the their things, and then the us things.
What is it that we're wanting to work on together? We're wanting to build more fun back into our relationship. So we're trying to get into some habits around time getting out of town, or we've made a list of fun stuff we want to do together, or whatever it is that's the us stuff, get that out on the map too, so that there is a sense of what is it that you are working on, exactly what is happening here. Sometimes when our relationships are going through a process of change, it can feel quite disheartening because you don't know where you've been and you don't have that sense of how long it's going to take to get somewhere.
So building that map is quite helpful for being able to see what it is that you have achieved and to be really clear around the next steps of what is going on. So map those things out so that you've got everything in black and white terms, not swirling and circling in your mind. It also is really helpful to protect you because it becomes really clear if you're not doing the things.
If the other person isn't making those appointments, if they're not following through on the tasks that they had from counselling, if they're not showing any interest in showing up and doing the things, then having that map kind of becomes a little bit of an agreement between you about what actions you are going to take and that can be incredibly helpful. The next thing I think is really important is having examples of people who've been able to make the change that you yourselves as a couple want to make. So where are you going to find those stories that bring hope to you? What can you read about other people's journeys or podcasts you can listen to, resources that you can access that help you get exposed to other people's experience of what change has looked like? You know, before Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mount Everest, no one thought that was possible.
I look at people who run ultra marathons and think, oh, how do they do that? Well, actually there's a formula. There are a whole lot of steps before they show up on that race day or climb that mountain or do whatever it is that they do. And we can copy something of their formula.
But also knowing that other people, other human beings are capable of making change or achieving something difficult helps us have hope that that is possible for us too. So think about how you surround yourself with those stories that build hope for you of the changes that other people have been able to make. Also, I'd encourage you to think about making time and space for the change that needs to happen in your relationship.
You know, doing the hard work of relationship change does take energy. And my curiosity is, where is that energy going to come from? What are you going to give up or put on pause for a period of time while you make these changes in your relationship? It might be that actually you step back from that voluntary commitment for a period of time or you actually, you know, say no to a few social things so you've got some more time together. It might be that you put a piece of study on hold or you stop saying yes to overtime or you're firmer with your work boundaries.
What is it that you're going to do to make time and space for what is needed when it comes to changing your relationship? Another couple of things I think are really helpful are finding some people that you can safely share with. It is so refreshing to be honest with a close friend about what is going on. Sometimes it can feel a little bit tricky if our friends are friends in our relationship context as well.
So think about who are you going to talk to, both of you, so you've got someone you can chat with and share about how this process is going because it is hard work to change your relationship and you need all the support that you can get. The other thing I think is really significant if you're working on your relationship is it's tiring and it can't all be hard slog. Something I really encourage couples to do is to do self-care together.
Maybe you can both go for that walk on the beach together. Maybe you can both go and see that show or do something fun or novel. Maybe you can both go to the movies together, like do those things that are caring for yourselves, that are fun, but do them together because the chances are you both need that because the chances are you both need those fun, caring, rejuvenating experiences while you're working on your relationship.
So I hope that helps you to have a few ideas of things that you can hold on to while you're working on your relationship. It is hard work. Relationships are complicated, but they're also one of the sources in our lives of the greatest sense of pride and connection and being held and achieving things together with another person that we love and value.
I'm a big believer that relationships are worth the work and it is so sad that we have a society that's not necessarily set up now to see people grow well together. So if I can be of any help to you with any of my resources, with my associate counsellors, with the Give Me 10 Minutes programme, if you want to dive into the backlog of all of the podcast episodes, be my guest. Go and immerse yourself in some really helpful content to move your relationship forward.
I'm a big believer that people are way more capable of change than they think they are. So this is my encouragement to you to grab onto that concept, to hold hope for the future of your relationship and to do everything in your power to experience the change that you and your partner deserve. Go well.
I wish you all the very best and send lots of love from my heart to yours.
