Ep 101: Ask Charlotte - Parenting Neurodivergent Kids
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
There’s a definite theme at the moment — so many of you are asking about parenting neurodivergent children. In this episode, I answer three big questions I hear all the time:
We’ve tried everything and we’re still facing epic meltdowns — how do we cope?
How do we support the quieter siblings living around a louder, more intense neurodivergent child?
How do I look after my own mental health while parenting neurodivergent children?
Below are the key ideas, exactly as I’d share them in session — practical, realistic, and designed to help your family survive and thrive.
1) When You’ve Tried “Everything” and Meltdowns Still Happen
First, a reframe: meltdowns are often part of the landscape. The goal isn’t “no bumps”; it’s smoother bumps — fewer, shorter, less intense, and quicker to recover from.
Containment beats chaos
If you can’t always contain the child, contain the impact:
Divide and conquer: one adult supports the child in distress, the other re-routes siblings.
Create safe outlets: a punching bag in the garage, a blackout tent/nook piled with cushions, a weighted blanket, noise-cancelling headphones.
Scaffold a meltdown routine: a “first aid” plan they can follow (dark space, favourite sensory objects, timer, water, then a soothing screen).
Permissioned exceptions: meltdown-only screen time or a specific activity that’s off the usual rules to down-regulate fast.
Get the plan out of your head and onto paper
Write it down in black and white:
Triggers we notice (e.g., transitions, hunger, noise, after-school fatigue).
Contributing factors (school stress, social issues, sleep).
What reduces dysregulation (snacks, movement, deep pressure, predictable choices).
Our response steps (who does what, in what order).
This steadies adults, aligns professionals, and stops you holding everything in your head.
Acceptance is active
There’s grief here. You’re doing ongoing care — like you would with a physical condition — and it’s tiring. Attune to strengths (yours and your child’s) to counter burnout. Ask honestly: What help can we accept? What can we simplify or outsource? It’s also worth revisiting old strategies later — as children grow, previously “useless” tools can suddenly work.
2) Supporting Quieter, Compliant Siblings
In many families, one child’s needs are loud and urgent; others go quiet and compliant. We need to equalise attention and teach everyone that everyone has needs.
Make “We all have needs” a family script
Use it like a broken record:
“Right now, A needs quiet and a snack. B, what do you need next?
“Mum needs 10 minutes to reset, then I’m yours.”
Name each person’s need in turn so the quieter ones are seen and served.
Everyone has something they’re working on
Normalise growth for all:
“Your brother is still learning turn-taking.”
“You’re working on asking for help sooner.”
“Dad’s working on not rushing weekends.”
This builds compassion and stops the ND child becoming “the problem”.
Build relaxation into the routine
Not every family activity should be high-energy:
Cosy reading nests with blankets in the afternoon.
Stargazing on the trampoline.
Individual quiet blankets on the lawn for sunshine + stillness.
Shared down-regulation helps everyone, including the ND child.
Move the energy on purpose (“walk the puppies”)
Proactively meet sensory and movement needs so intensity doesn’t spill everywhere:
Daily vigorous movement (park sprints, scooter loops, trampoline blocks).
Sensory diet: chewy snacks, heavy work (carrying laundry, pushing a basket), swinging.
Predict (and pad) the loud
If after-school is the danger zone, plan a reset:
A screen-time buffer after school or after activities.
A simple code phrase: “Dial it down” — neutral and repeatable.
Time apart on purpose. It’s okay if everyone needs space from each other.
3) Looking After Your Mental Health
Parenting neurodivergent children is relentless in a neurotypical world. Your wellbeing isn’t a luxury — it’s infrastructure.
Time off that isn’t rumination time
On your breaks, don’t let your brain loop on “I’m failing”. Fill time with novelty, creativity, movement, or beauty: a pottery class, a coastal walk, a new playlist and coffee, a film with a friend.
Audit your commitments — ruthlessly
Your plate is fuller than most. Keep only what genuinely sustains you. “Nice-to-haves” can wait for a steadier season.
Advocate for what actually works (even if others dislike it)
Protect your family’s nervous systems at events:
If Secret/Snatch Santa is chaos, opt out without apology and pre-agree an alternative for your children.
Your loyalty lies with your household’s needs.
Find people who “get it”
Spend time with parents on similar paths. It’s normalising and resource-rich. Balance is key — choose people who help you exhale, not spiral.
Micro self-care, many times a day
Don’t hold your breath for a Saturday morning. Build 3–4 micro resets daily:
Hot drink in silence.
Three slow breaths at red lights.
10 minutes of sunshine.
A short stretch or song before the next task.
Make help perpetual
Create recurring support (cleaner, meal box, carpool, regular grandparent afternoon). Stop re-negotiating through guilt.
Have a simple monthly wellbeing check-in
On the first of the month, ask:
How am I, really? Any warning signs?
What support do I need?
What will I drop, simplify, or outsource?
Put it in your calendar like any other essential.
Final Word
This is hard — and you’re not alone. Your children face tough realities, and so do you. It’s okay to name both truths. Keep smoothing the bumps, equalising needs, and protecting your own mental health like it matters — because it does.
Want your question answered next time? Pop it in my Instagram Stories on Tuesdays, submit via the show notes, or head to charlottecummings.nz.
-
Well, there is a definite theme at the moment around neurodiversity, and in today's episode of Ask Charlotte, I'm going to be answering three listener questions on the topic of parenting neurodivergent kids.
The first question is about where you turn to and what you do when you're feeling utterly exhausted and have tried so many strategies, but you're still facing big meltdowns from your child. The next question is about how to support siblings who are living around the neurodivergent child, and the last question is about looking after your own mental health while parenting neurodivergent children. They are great questions, so I'm super grateful for you trusting me to speak into this really important topic.
Living with neurodivergence and finding ways to survive and thrive as parents and a family around the challenges that neurodivergence can bring is incredibly common as an experience for many families throughout New Zealand, so I'm really pleased to be able to speak into this topic today. So the first question, where do we turn when we have tried so many strategies and we're still facing epic meltdowns and emotional dysregulation? The whole family is exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically, and we need some help. Oh, I totally get how tough this is, and that you can feel like you are doing all of the right things and still things are really difficult to manage.
So I think the challenge becomes, how do we relate to these meltdowns and manage them differently, accepting to some extent that they are going to be part of our family's life moving forward? So how do we make this sustainable? And it's a little bit like thinking about if your child had a physical illness and there were some things that you had to do in relation to that that were going to be ongoing, it is the same with neurodivergence. Sometimes we have to accept that there is going to be an extent of living around the issue, and how do we want to manage that differently so that things are a little bit more contained and have less of an impact and we bounce back sooner as a family from whatever has occurred? One suggestion I have is, how do you contain the meltdowns? Sometimes that might not be easy to do for the neurodivergent child, but it can be that rerouting other children and other family members so that they have time and space away can be quite significant. So one parent supporting the child who is struggling or actually finding ways that the child can have time and space apart when they are struggling.
Having a punching bag that they can go and let out some steam on in the garage. Having something that they can do in their room that you set up and scaffold for them, that they've got a blackout tent or they've got a nook that they can climb into with a whole lot of teddies or that when that happens they are allowed to engage with some screen time that is not part of the normal plan. What is it that you can do to help contain the meltdown that is happening to lessen the impact of that on the rest of the family? So it's getting to that space of planning how are we living around this rather than living with the constant frustration of we just want this to go away.
Now I get it that that is really, really tough, but actually this containment strategy might be part of the way forward. The other thing I think is challenging for families where there is a neurodivergent child and you're talking about having tried lots of different strategies is that often there can be a range of different professionals involved. School is saying this, we're working with a psychologist on that, they're seeing a counsellor on this, there's a speech therapist saying that, whatever it is going on around their learning there's a whole lot of different moving pieces.
It can be helpful every now and then to write a plan down in black and white, literally on a piece of paper. So at the moment our plan for how we're managing meltdowns is this. Our sense of what triggers meltdowns, what leads to as contributing factors behind a meltdown are these things.
The things we know reduce emotion dysregulation are these things. Getting the plan out in black and white so it's not all swirling in your mind because it can feel like a whole lot to hold. Also key here is your relationship with the reality that you have got a child who is struggling.
There is a journey around acceptance, around grief that is work that only you can do and maybe there is a call here for you to spend some time and attention on that for yourself. You will have heard me talking about it before but the aim of the game is smoothing the bumps, not they're not being bumps at all. Bumps are part of the course when it comes to a neurodivergent person living in a neurotypical world and the challenges that inherently come with neurodivergence.
I remember getting so frustrated when one day I sat down with a new professional and she said to me, can you tell me about so-and-so's strengths? And I was at the end of myself. I was absolutely exhausted. Our family like yours were feeling super exhausted under the weight of what was going on and I thought oh my goodness here we go again and can't you just read that in the notes because that's in the freaking notes but I actually needed that question.
I needed to be reminded of the strengths that were there for my child, of the gifts that were there for my child and spend some time dwelling on that. It is not the entirety of the answer but when you're feeling frustrated and low and overwhelmed it's important to get back to. The other challenge I think you have is how easy is it for you accepting help because if you're living around issues that come with neurodivergence maybe you're needing to set up your family's life differently and accept help from some different sources.
Manage your routines differently, ask for help from certain directions, keep some other things easier, reduce commitments but perhaps reflecting on whether you're needing some more help, what help you could accept, things that could be worth trying. Sometimes reflecting around that is also time well spent and one of the things we can sometimes forget is that we try a strategy and we think oh gosh that doesn't work for my child. Well then our child grows up and things change maybe they have picked up something new and different from another place.
Revisiting strategies that you've previously tried that you haven't had great success with can be worth a shot. As our children develop, as things change, some of the strategies we might have disregarded could be worth another shot but I get it that it is hard. So they are a few little ideas to hold on to while you're in the trenches on this.
I send so much love to all of the families who are in this boat because it is a bloody tough boat at times and I know that you're doing your best. Okay so the next question is how do we support other siblings who are more compliant and quiet when our neurodivergent child is loud, overwhelming and talks over everybody else? This is a really common challenge that I hear about and I think that there are some things that you can weave into your family like a bit of a broken record that can really support everyone to get their needs met. One of those things is to talk about we all have things that we need.
So often with a neurodivergent child it is easy to think about the things that they need because it is quite obvious and they may literally be screaming at you about the thing that is difficult. They can be forthright, they can be vocal, you're needing to respond because things are more urgent. So develop this language in your family around we all have things we need.
At the moment so-and-so needs this. What do you need? What does dad need? What does mum need? Working out that as many people who are in your family there are that many needs going on and really starting to highlight that question and using it like a bit of a broken record. So-and-so is needing this right now so I'm going to support them with that for the next few minutes.
I want you to think about what you need right now and I'll come and help you with that next. The other thing that's a reality in a family where there is a neurodivergent child and neurotypical children is that we need to equalise the playing field to some extent where we're thinking about everyone having things to work on. This is a line that's really important in our family.
So-and-so is working on this right now. You are working on this right now and this is the thing that you're working on right now and we even talk about it for us as parents. We all have our own journeys.
We all have the things we're struggling with and sometimes acknowledging to your quieter children yeah so-and-so is struggling with this. They're still learning about that right now. They're still learning about turn-taking.
They're still learning about staying calm. Really helping them understand there might be things that they can do, things that they've already learned that their sibling hasn't yet learned and they're still working on and that is okay. That can build a great deal of compassion across your family that can be incredibly helpful.
The other thing I think is important is to set up relaxation time for all of you. So-so often we do things as a family that are more active and we can forget about teaching our children the art of relaxation. One of the things I've been having a play with recently is instead of waiting till the end of the night to read my book when everyone is in bed I actually really enjoy some time sitting on the couch in the afternoon and reading.
So I've been inviting my children into that because they enjoy that too. Sometimes that takes a little bit of scaffolding because it's not all that obvious but getting a blanket out for everyone and setting everyone up with a little nest where they can have some quiet reading time or putting a blanket outside for each person so that we can all lie down in the sun and enjoy some fresh air and our time to relax. Doing stargazing on the trampoline in the evening on a winter's night.
Whatever it is, how do you get more relaxation into your routine for everyone? That can help calm your neurodivergent child who's a bit louder and can also mean that there are activities everyone can engage in that are soothing and down-regulating. We have a saying in our house about the need to walk the puppies. I used to talk about this when my kids were super little.
I used to say they were like, you know, a Labrador that needed to go for two runs a day and sometimes the needs of neurodivergent children are a little bit like the needs of a puppy with a lot of energy. Now it can be helpful to think about those bursts of energy that need to come out and how you manage the neurodivergent child's needs around that. So have they had their active time for the day? Have they had their time where their senses are really engaged? How do you proactively build in the things that they need so that their energy, their loudness isn't overtaking at times that you don't so much want it to? The other thing you can do is work on predicting the loud.
Now the loud can come out in our house really obviously after school if we don't have some downtime. Now I would love to be a screen-free family but that is not our reality and I know that if my children have some screen time immediately after school that helps them to reset, that helps them to have that breather before we go about the rest of our family life. Or if we've had an after-school activity, that screen time slot happens then before we go about having dinner.
That reset time, that downtime is important in terms of managing the loudness and the dominance that can come with neurodivergent children. It can also be really helpful to set up a simple code word or phrase. We have one that's dial it down, having that phrase that you can use to let them know what they're doing.
Sometimes they're not seeing it, you need a neutral way to be able to pull things back in. And don't forget as well about resetting and having time apart. Your quieter, more compliant children likely need a break from the intensity of a neurodivergent sibling and that is okay.
There may be some grief around that for you that there's not a whole lot of time together as a family all the time but my encouragement to you is to look at what everyone's needs are and how you pursue thriving for you all. My guess is that's going to involve some time off for everyone including the quieter children. Okay and what about looking after your mental health when it comes to parenting neurodivergent children? This is the last question for today's episode.
One of my top tips is to have time off that is not all about navel gazing. Now as a parent of neurodivergent kids one of the things that would happen for me whenever I would have time off is all I would do is think about what a terrible job I was doing in my parenting and how tough things were. I realized that in my time off I needed to fill that time with creativity, with distraction, with novelty, with fun for myself so that my brain just didn't loop about how difficult it was and how I was doing a terrible job.
So look at the time away that you're spending and what it is that you might need in that time so that that is replenishing for you and not just you beating up on yourself about how tough it is and how terribly you're doing. You need to audit your commitments. So our plates end up very full and neurodivergence brings a whole lot of other stuff that we have to manage in the life of our family.
You likely more than normal people, more than ordinary families need to be ruthless about your commitments and only keep the things that really fill your cup. Your time is coming when you can do some other things further down the track where you can be involved in certain things that are the nice to do things that are kind of optional when it comes to your well-being. What's most important to you? What do you most need to hold on to that is really significant in terms of supporting your mental well-being and you feeling good? Every now and then you're going to need to audit what's on your plate and make sure it's just those things that are left.
Because things are not so typical for your family you likely need to also be more ruthless when it comes to advocating for what it is that works for your family. Now I'm going to give you an example of this. Our wider family always want to do secret Santa or snatching Santa or some kind of game around presents at Christmas time.
It works absolutely terribly for our family. Nobody can cope with the disappointment, the unknowns, the social thing about it being fun to snatch a present from another person is just totally not okay. It does not work for our family and if the rest and if our wider family want to do that we opt out.
We negotiate a way that that's managed within the day that we're not part of it and that that is not a big deal. Doesn't matter how much so-and-so wants to do it but don't be afraid to say what does and doesn't work for your family. Don't make things harder than they already are.
Your loyalty lies with your family and your family's needs and that in turn can really protect your well-being, how things go, how your days end up rolling. Particularly in times like significant moments within the year. The other thing that is important is hang out with people who get it.
Now you may find people who get it that are not necessarily your natural people, your common friends, the people you would normally connect with but you connect with them over the fact that they have solidarity with you around this challenge of parenting neurodivergent kids. It can be super relaxing, normalizing, can reduce shame to be with other people who are struggling with some of the same issues. You might even get ideas out of that or glean pieces of information or resources that are helpful for you.
Keep in mind that sometimes hearing something super overwhelming for other people can just add to the load that you're carrying so there is a bit of a balance there but find the people who get it, who understand your challenges, who are maybe a little bit further through than you or maybe in exactly the same spot where you can share super equally together but recognize the importance of being around people who absolutely understand what it is you're experiencing. And another few little reminders, you've heard me talk about all of this before, when is your time off happening? Think about your breaks, think about that time that you get space from the relentlessness and the intensity of parenting neurodivergent kids in a neurotypical world. I'd love you to go back and listen to my episodes on self-care, particularly ideas that I have around that, what my own routine looks like.
You need to get super great at micro self-care, the little day-to-day things. You do not need to hold your breath for an entire week between a precious two hours you have off every Saturday morning. You might need three or four self-care moments within the day.
You've got to keep your oxygen mask on, not just put it on sporadically. And where you can, set up help that is perpetual and that continues. Burnout for parents of neurodivergent children is a very real challenge so I'd encourage you to sit down with a piece of paper, what am I going to do to look after myself? Make that plan, make the commitments that you need to to yourself and redo that over and over.
Maybe that's something that happens on the first of every month. That you sit down and work out, what do I need? How am I feeling right now? What support do I need? What can I do differently? But your mental health is a really important priority within the functioning of your family. So giving it as much attention as you can is something I'm all for.
Well I hope that if you're a parent of neurodivergent children you've picked up some little tips and tricks along the way. It is really important that we have the space to talk about some of the challenges. While also acknowledging that for our kids it's really bloody tough too.
The burden of being neurodivergent does fall to them and there are some things that are really tough in what they're experiencing in the world. But it's also important too that we acknowledge the things that are hard for us as parents and we talk into the things that we need.
