Ep 103: Ask Charlotte - Is a Sexless Relationship Doomed?
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
When I opened an anonymous Instagram question box and invited you to send the questions you’re too shy to ask anywhere else, one third of all submissions were about the same topic: sexless relationships. Is it normal? Is it okay? Can you recover? What do you do if the rest of your relationship is good but the intimacy has disappeared?
This post gathers the most common worries and gives you practical, compassionate ways forward. If this is you: you’re not alone, and there is hope.
What do we mean by a “sexless relationship”?
Definitions vary, but common ones include:
Less than ~10 times a year, or
Long periods of no sex at all (often post-children), or
Sex that does happen feels emotionally distant or unsatisfying to one or both partners.
Research suggests 15–20% of couples fit one of these categories, and mismatched desire is the most commonly reported sexual issue in relationships. It’s far more common than you think.
Is it a problem to have a sexless relationship?
Short answer: it depends on both of you. Sex is a negotiated part of your relationship, not a fixed entitlement and not a sole measure of health. Many people who wrote in emphasised “everything else is great”. That matters.
Rather than asking “is it wrong?”, ask together:
What role do we want physical intimacy to play in our relationship right now—connection, play, stress relief, closeness?
What feels missing for each of us?
What would we be willing to try to improve this?
Two key truths can sit side by side:
A relationship without sex can still contain love.
Wanting sexual connection is also legitimate and worthy of care.
Common myths to let go of
Myth: More sex = better relationship.
Reality: Connection and responsiveness matter more than frequency.Myth: The higher-desire partner is “the problem”.
Reality: Desire differences are co-created and relational, not a character flaw.Myth: If you love each other, sex should be effortless.
Reality: Life stage, hormones, stress, resentment, mental health and unresolved conflict all impact libido.
Why desire differences happen
It’s usually a mix of factors:
Biological & life stage
Hormonal shifts, pregnancy/postnatal, perimenopause/menopause
Medication, sleep, pain, illness, fatigue
Relational
Unresolved conflict or criticism
Feeling unseen or unappreciated
Low trust or disconnection
Parenting load, invisible labour
Personal
Anxiety, depression, burnout, trauma history
Body image, shame, religious/cultural messages
Understanding the “why” helps you choose the “what next”.
First steps if sex has faded (without blame or shame)
1) Talk safely, and not in the heat of the moment
Pick a calm time. Try:
“I miss feeling close to you. Could we talk about what would help both of us feel more connected physically and emotionally?”
Keep it blame-free. This is an “us vs the issue” conversation, not “me vs you”.
2) Name consent as a non-negotiable
Even in long-term relationships, consent and genuine willingness are essential. Obligation and resentment corrode intimacy.
3) Define what sex and intimacy mean to you both
Is this about fun? Tenderness? Stress relief? Adventure? Feeling desired? Getting clear on why helps you find how.
4) Warm it up before you turn it on
Think ladder, not cliff:
Non-sexual touch: lingering hugs, hand holding, sitting close
Massage, shower together, kissing without a goal
Agree that some intimate times won’t lead to penetrative sex
5) Try structure (yes, scheduled sex can be sexy)
Choose set nights that are “our time”. Clear work/laptops/chores.
Make the environment supportive (tidy room, low lights, warmth, privacy).
Anticipation helps desire grow for many people.
6) Turn towards the small bids (daily)
From the Gottman Institute: your partner makes tiny “bids” for connection all day (a comment, a look, a touch). The more you turn towards these, the more safety and desire grows later. Aim to notice and respond.
7) Work on the base of the relationship
Intimacy rests on friendship, respect, fun, and teamwork. If you’re stuck in criticism, stonewalling, or parallel lives, start there.
8) Reduce friction outside the bedroom
Stress, over-commitment and exhaustion smother desire. Audit your week. What can you lower, outsource or pause to make space for each other?
9) Get the right support
Depending on your “why”:
GP (hormones, pain, medication effects, sleep)
Individual therapy (anxiety, depression, trauma, shame)
Sex therapist (desire, scripts, blocks, pleasure)
Couples therapy (communication, resentment, repair)
If starting feels daunting, my Give Me 10 Minutes course is a gentle, structured way to open these conversations. Six short audios + guided talks help you map what’s wrong, how you want to feel, your love languages, unbearable feelings, and communication patterns—so you can make changes together.
“Is there a comeback from this?”
Yes. I’ve seen couples move from years of no sex to a tender, playful, satisfying intimate life; others find a new negotiated middle that works for both. Progress looks different couple to couple, but the common ingredients are:
Kind, honest, blame-free conversations
Small consistent actions (not grand gestures)
Repairing the friendship
Willingness to learn and get help
Hold on to this: other people have done this. Your task is not to decide whether change is possible; it’s to find your path to it.
If you’re considering leaving
If sex truly matters to you and there’s no goodwill, no effort, and no plan, it’s reasonable to see this as a deal-breaker. Before you decide:
Have a calm, clear conversation about what you need and why
Seek qualified support (even short-term)
Make sure you’ve explored realistic options together
I feel strongly that big decisions deserve professional support, especially if children are involved.
A quick script to start the talk
“I care about us, and I miss feeling close to you. I don’t want pressure or blame—just a way forward together. Could we set aside 30 minutes this week to talk about what intimacy looks like for us now, what we each need, and a couple of small things we might try? I’d love us to feel like a team on this.”
Send this article or the podcast episode to your partner if that makes opening the conversation easier.
The bottom line
You’re not alone. Sexless relationships are more common than you think.
You’re not wrong for wanting sexual connection.
There is a way forward, and it doesn’t have to be dramatic—small, kind, consistent steps count.
Help exists, and therapists talk about this every day. It might feel awkward for you; it isn’t for us.
If you want structured, simple ways to begin, try Give Me 10 Minutes—made precisely for couples who need a reset and better conversations.
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Welcome to today's episode of Ask Charlotte and what I usually do with these episodes is take three different questions on the same theme and answer each of them one by one.
But something really interesting happened recently when I put up a question box on Instagram. It was an anonymous question box where people could submit their questions without me knowing who had said what. And I really gave permission this time and asked people to tell me what is it that you're struggling with, that you're perhaps even too ashamed to admit to your friends or it's too difficult to ask advice of people who know you around this issue.
Give me some of those questions. I'd really love to know how can I help you with things that at the moment are staying kind of in the shadows or that are hidden parts of your life. And incredibly interesting, one third of the responses, and I did get lots of responses, one third of the responses were about sexless relationships.
So today I'm going to cover this as its own topic within this Ask Charlotte segment and I'm going to draw a little from the questions that were asked. It's going to be a wee bit of a different flow and layout, but let's get into this topic together. So there were some really interesting themes in what people asked about when it came to sexless relationships.
A number of people asked, is this normal? Is this something that other couples are going through and is it actually okay? And some people asked as well, what should I do if this is something I am just not happy about? Of the responses, around half of them, people also made a point of saying that the rest of their relationship was really great. This was just the one issue, the one thing that was kind of the outlier and kind of there was a sense of disappointment around, is this something that is reasonable for me to hold as an issue? So about half of the people made a real point of saying that the rest of the relationship was great and another half of the people either didn't mention that or made some other remarks about other difficulties within the relationship. I think one of the things that's really tricky about relationships reaching a point where there's no longer any physical intimacy is that people often find that such a disappointment and something where the goalposts typically have changed.
So for most relationships these days, people have had some degree of physical intimacy before they were married and there is a bit of an expectation that things will remain the same in that department over the course of their relationship. And it almost comes as a shock and something of a, like the goalposts have moved moment when something different unfolds between you that you were never hoping for, thinking would happen to you. One of the key threads of the questions that people asked were, is there a comeback to this? Is there actually reason for hope here that anything could change? So I'm going to try and cover all of the different threads of what's come through across the many questions on this topic.
And I want to say as well, thank you so much for trusting me with this. The purpose of these Ask Charlotte episodes is that you have an opportunity to get some good advice about whatever is going on in your life. And when there are really common themes like this, I know that there are also lots of listeners who are going to benefit from your questions.
So if you are someone who has taken the time to send through a question and share this with me, thank you so much for your contribution and for giving me that sense of this is an issue a lot of people want to hear about. Okay, so let's talk about the problem here. Let's talk about some kind of definition of what we mean when we talk about sexless relationships.
There's lots of different research on this issue, but basically, and this is somewhat shocking for some people to hear, but around 15 to 20% of all couples don't have sex within their relationship. Now, there are lots of different definitions of what it means to have a sexless relationship. Some definitions talk about sex being less than 10 times a year.
Some couples might slightly balk at that statistic, thinking that's within our range of normal. And for some couples I see within the counseling space, there is a complete absence of sex, and that has been over a sustained period of time. It is not uncommon for people to tell me, once we had kids, that was just completely gone out of our lives, and it's now been six years, 10 years.
These are all stories that I have heard. Another factor that is suggested as part of the definition of a sexless marriage is around sex when it does occur being something that is really emotionally distant and not satisfying for one or other of the partners. So there's a sense here that whatever is happening isn't going so well.
And one of the things we know from the Gottman Institute, which is a major relationship studying institute in America, is that for couples, desire differences are the most commonly reported sexual issue within relationships. So all of that is to say this issue is way more common than you think and certainly something we need to be talking about. One of the things I get asked time and time again is, is it a problem to have a sexless relationship? Am I justified in feeling upset or frustrated about this? And is this even something that needs to be included within our relationship in order for it to be healthy? And my answer is this, it takes two to tango.
And actually, when it comes to relationships, sex is a negotiation. The place that physical intimacy has in our relationship is something that has to be negotiated between both people. That is possibly going to move and change over the course of our relationship and over time.
But this is something we need to be talking about and we need to be negotiating ways forward together. Now, one of the things that often comes up when I'm talking to couples about this issue is that they see sex as being a marker of having a healthy relationship. And that's not necessarily true.
It is definitely a factor that for relationships to have a sense of responsiveness to them, for there to be mutual respect and good communication, and for there to be a sense of closeness between them, often that includes a strong sense of physical intimacy between a couple. But sex in itself and whether you're having it or not is not necessarily a marker of having a healthy relationship. And I think it's really interesting that half of the people that ask questions about this were really eager for me to know that the rest of their relationship was in a good state.
A relationship without sex doesn't necessarily mean it's a relationship without the presence of love. But sexual intimacy is much broader. It is linked to the kind of friendship that we have.
It is linked to the trust and connection within our relationship. This is not simply a matter of libido and it being all about a physical act. And as much as I appreciate being asked my views on this issue, I think it is really important that couples come to their own answer themselves when it comes to the place of sex within their relationship.
You need to be in agreement about what place does this have in your relationship? Is this about connection? Is this about fun? Is this about stress relief? Why is it that we would be doing this? Your reasons for wanting to have sex need to be about more than just the physical act. And diving into these reasons is a really important conversation starter with couples that I've worked with on this topic. Now there are definitely some common myths around sex within relationships that I think it is important to address here.
The first is that more sex equals a better relationship. And we know that this isn't true. We know that connection between a couple matters far more than the amount of sex that they are having.
Another myth is that the partner with the higher desire for sex is the problem. They're the one that needs to do something about it. They're the one that needs to meet at the point of the person who wants less sex than them.
They're the one with the issue. And the reality is that sex between two people is between two people. And here we see the importance of understanding that it is two people who create the dynamic in their relationship when it comes to physical intimacy.
Now let's start talking about this from the perspective of mismatched libido. So libido, people's desire for sex, is impacted by a range of different factors. It's impacted by biological differences.
There is a natural difference between people. It's impacted by things like our life stage, the stress that is going on around us, hormones, babies. And there are also lots of relational dynamics that come into play here.
Things like unresolved conflict, a lack of emotional connection, and issues like resentment. Now let's talk here for a moment about mismatched libido, the reality that for some people there is a difference in the amount of sex that they want to have. Now there are a range of different factors around libido and lots of these things change over the course of our lives.
There's biological differences that libido naturally varies between people. There are relationship dynamics and the influence of unresolved conflict or tension or resentment that impacts how couples feel in terms of their physical connection and their desire for one another. There are life stage issues like stress, hormone changes, having young children, lots of things that add to the pressure within a relationship and absolutely impact the capacity that people have to be physically present and intimate with one another.
Now let's talk about what to do if you find yourself in a relationship where sex is absent and this is something you're wanting to negotiate together. One of the first things to explore is to start talking without blame. It is really important that this is nobody's fault.
It is neither the fault of the person who wants to have more sex nor it is the fault of the person who desires to have less sex and this can be for couples a really awkward and difficult to have conversation. But seeing yourself as being in this issue equally. This is a you and them issue that is something you are united in dealing with.
Neither of you is to blame, neither of you is wrong or bad but this is something that needs to be negotiated between you and one of the realities of that negotiation is that sometimes when it comes to navigating an issue within our relationships, we do find that there is a difference in what people want and how people want to proceed and sometimes that creates a sense of impasse. We're not going to get through this. This is different between the two of us and definitely that needs to be respected too.
It is a difficult reality to accept here. We can't make someone want to be physically intimate with us and it's really important we maintain that sense of the body boundaries. There is that bottom line that sex within a relationship is still a matter of consent.
A person still needs to be wanting to do this with another person. We need that sense of consent and we don't want people to be having sex out of resentment or obligation. That is ultimately really detrimental to relationships and certainly very detrimental to the individual who's complying with something that they really don't want to do.
So I can't stress enough here that the matter of consent is still just as relevant within a committed relationship as it is in any other context. So placing that to the side for one moment, an important conversation that couples can have is around what would it take to have more physical intimacy between us? What would we need to do differently? What do we want to try? Do we need to get some help in this area? What is it that we could do to place ourselves in a position where this might be more likely? Now the answer to this with different couples is going to be different. For some couples, scheduled sex is going to be really important here.
Or starting again when it comes to building some physical intimacy that's not about having sex with one another can be a really important place where the ice is broken, where there is something of a warm up to one another again. And if you've had a sustained period of time of stress, if it's been really difficult with having young children, if you're parenting through other challenges that exist, placing your focus on the physical intimacy between you is really important. So often part of the answer here for couples is having more physical intimacy.
And perhaps sometimes that leads to actually having penetrative sex. But penetrative sex isn't the be all and end all of our physical relationship with one another. There are often lots of really practical factors when it comes to understanding what makes us more likely to want to have sex with one another within the context of our relationships.
I've worked with couples before who've determined that actually they're way more likely to want to have physical intimacy if the house is tidy or they need to have set nights where this is our intention together and it means that we're not pulling our laptop out to do work or we're not running around doing other things around the house. This is our priority. This is our night that is our night for connecting with one another.
I often say to couples, I don't need to know exactly what nights they are, but I really need you to know what nights they are. I think it's important that couples have those times that are set aside for closeness with one another. The other thing that's important is resolving other issues in your relationship.
Now I know that for half of the people who responded to this question box, they did talk about other issues within the relationship. They talked about feeling shut down. They talked about feeling disconnected or other challenges that were going on.
So sometimes one of the best things that you can do when it comes to your physical intimacy is actually work on the base of your relationship. Are you having fun together? Are you doing good communication? What's the vibe between the two of you? Are you feeling like a team? Are you going in a direction that you want to be going in? So thinking about sex happening from the base of the relationship that you have with one another and placing some time and attention on that. One of the other key factors is turning towards one another more and more.
Now in a recent podcast episode around some of the things I see that couples can do to spark connection between one another again, I talked about the Gottman Institute concept of bids, and that is that we constantly make bids within our relationship where we're trying to get the other person's engagement and attention. And there are basically three responses. We can turn towards them, we can turn away from them, or we can respond with some kind of contempt and shut them down.
And we know that physical intimacy is so much more likely in the context of a relationship where there is regular turning towards each other, when there is not a shutting down of the other person, where there is positivity, where there is listening, where there is a strong sense of connection. So one of the most practical things that you can do if you want to have a closer relationship is look at how often you are responding to the bids that your partner makes. And there are lots of other great podcast episodes you can go and have a listen to if you're wanting some ideas around how to build that sense of closeness and connection.
Sometimes there are other somewhat unrelated issues. It might be that somebody is really stressed at work or there is something going on in their own personal life that is significantly impacting their libido. It is pretty difficult to feel desire for another person where you're wound up and stressed and you've got heaps of other distractions.
Sometimes as well, people's own mental health journey around depression or anxiety or feeling burnt out can actually be the cause of what is going on when it comes to physical intimacy. So think about your own individual factors there and what can be done around those issues. Particularly try and approach that from a supportive perspective with one another.
What can I do to help you with this? How can we come up with a plan together around this particular issue? And my other suggestion is to make a plan around professional support. Now that might be really different depending on your context. For example, if one person has got some significant mental health issues going on, they might embark on some one-to-one counselling.
If there are some physical health issues, they might go and see their GP or a naturopath or get support around whatever it is that is the struggle there. It might be that you want to go and see a professional sex therapist who specialises in this space. Or if you determine that there are challenges in the relationship that's leading to what you're experiencing here, you might want to go and see a couples counsellor.
I think the tone and approach you're wanting to take when talking about this with your partner is to say, look, this is not what I want within our relationship and this is something I really want to see if we can make some changes around. Can we talk about what might be possible here? Can we do some brainstorming together about what it is that's affecting this part of our relationship? Can we talk in a neutral way around this rather than there being blame, rather than there being a sense of entitlement? Because that certainly is not something that is appealing or attractive to people. But how do we team up on this issue and talk about this from a calm and neutral perspective? So often I hear about couples having this conversation in really difficult contexts.
For example, someone has just made an advance on another person, they've been shut down, and then the party who's been shut down is saying, this is not okay, I don't like this, I'm so frustrated with this. And that's when you're having the conversation, that's a big part of what is going wrong. You need to be having this conversation in a way that is calm and controlled and where you're able to be constructive about your ways forward with one another.
Now, a number of the questions that came through asked, is it okay to leave my relationship on the basis of this issue? Now, I would say that where there is anything going on in a relationship or not happening in our relationship that is important to us, that there hasn't been effort around, that we haven't fully understood, that can be grounds to consider exiting the relationship for sure. But one thing I find incredibly sad is the decisions that people make for their future, particularly around their relationship, particularly if there are children involved, without getting professional help. And I know that getting professional help can be really difficult in and of itself.
It is costly, you logistically have to make it to appointments, you've got to find someone with capacity, it is really tough. So my encouragement here is to make the steps that you need to take to access some kind of support. This is one of the key reasons why I created my online course, Give Me 10 Minutes, because it allows couples to work through issues that they otherwise find it really difficult to discuss.
So just to let you know here, Give Me 10 Minutes starts with talking about what's wrong in your relationship, and it gets you defining what is currently happening. It then builds to look at how do you want to feel in your relationship, and gets you developing a sense of how you want your relationship to be going forward. It looks at how you show love to one another in the relationship, your unbearable feelings and the dynamic of how you shut one another down in the relationship, and around communication.
Now for a couple that is experiencing some kind of mismatch and challenge when it comes to having a sexless relationship, this course is a really ideal way to begin to have some conversations together. It may be that you need further one-to-one support, but sometimes having something that you can do, a step that you can take together, and something that you can access almost immediately is a really good way to start working through an issue. So just remember that is there for you if you need it.
Now one of the questions that came up from a few people who asked about this topic was is there a comeback from this? Can we actually recover from this and develop a relationship where we really like each other? Is there a way that we can include physical intimacy in our relationship, even if it feels like the lights have just completely gone out on this? And the answer here is absolutely yes. There are always other things to try. There is always more support that you can get.
There are other couples who have gone before you in navigating this issue and finding a way forward. This doesn't have to be an issue that you remain stuck in, and this is certainly something I've got a line-up of couples who could tell you they have managed to experience some kind of change when it comes to this issue, either a radical transformation where this is now a part of their life that is going incredibly well, or finding some kind of mutual landing place that's actually working for both people and feeling a whole lot more satisfying, where the issue is no longer an issue. I think it's really helpful if when we're going through an issue as a couple, we can hold on to the reality that other people have navigated this before and found a way through.
So our challenge is to find the way through, not to doubt that there is a way through at all. And a plug here too, I've got an episode that I did just a few episodes ago on how to encourage yourself while you're working on your relationship, because this absolutely is a mind game. It is really hard to stay enthusiastic about our relationship where there is an issue that is really bothering us.
And so being able to reassure yourself and coach yourself while you're going through that process of change and navigating an issue is a really key part of the journey. So please go and find that episode and I'll link it in the show notes too. So in summary, are you right to be feeling that this is an issue? Absolutely.
Is this something you can recover from? Absolutely. Is it normal? Yep. It's really common and this is something that about 15 to 20% of couples are struggling with.
Mismatched sexual desire is something that is the most commonly reported topic between couples. So I hope the main thing that you can take from today is a sense that you're not alone in navigating this. The key thing is working out a way forward together.
Now I fully recognize that this can feel like one of the most awkward topics for couples to talk about. It can feel really emotionally loaded. It can feel difficult to have a constructive conversation around.
So if this is an issue that you're struggling with, it could be an idea to send this episode to your spouse and say, hey, I want to have a conversation about this. It might be that it's worth reading a book together, making a plan together, giving a course like Give Me 10 Minutes a go, listening to another few podcast episodes together, and thinking together about your relationship. But like many issues that couples face, there is a way forward.
It takes courageous conversations. It takes honesty. It takes a willingness to learn and grow and adapt together or to learn to be more inclined towards that.
And this is something that absolutely professionals can support you with. It is tough to navigate alone and so don't be backwards in coming forwards and reaching out to someone who can help you. There is a great deal of awkwardness for couples when it comes to talking with a therapist about these issues.
And I just want you to know that we're actually really used to it. These are conversations that we have all the time. So while it definitely feels awkward for you, it doesn't feel awkward for us.
We have signed up to have a life and career of helping people, of being able to understand their challenges and offer empathy and expertise in whatever it is that is happening. So please know, we love to talk to you about these issues. We know it is hard to have these conversations yourself, so reach out and get some support if you need.
Well, I hope that this episode has given you some ideas on how you navigate this issue, how you have those courageous conversations with one another, and some validation that this is indeed a really common issue that you can find some healthy ways through. Thanks for joining me today on the Feel Better Podcast. I'm super proud of you for spending this time prioritising your wellbeing and hopefully learning a few things to help you navigate the tough stuff in life.
