Ep 125: How To Talk To Kids About War
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
How to Talk to Your Kids About War (Without Overwhelming Them)
There are some conversations you never expect to have as a parent.
And yet—here we are.
With everything happening in the world right now, many of us are finding ourselves navigating questions we don’t quite feel prepared for… especially when they come from our kids.
Questions like:
“What’s happening?”
“Are we safe?”
“Why are people fighting?”
These aren’t easy conversations. But they are important ones.
Because whether we initiate them or not—our children are already hearing things. At school. From friends. In passing comments. In snippets they don’t fully understand.
And when we don’t step in, they fill in the gaps themselves.
So let’s talk about how to approach this in a way that feels steady, supportive, and grounded—for them and for you.
Start Here: This Doesn’t Need to Be Perfect
Before anything else, take the pressure off.
You don’t need to have all the answers.
You don’t need to explain global politics.
You don’t need to get this “exactly right.”
What your child needs most is you—calm, present, and open.
Choose the Right Moment (Hint: Not Bedtime)
Timing matters more than we often think.
This isn’t a conversation to have just before sleep, when their minds are already winding down and more vulnerable to worry.
Instead, think about side-by-side moments:
In the car
On a walk
Doing something together
These spaces feel safer. Less intense. More natural.
And if you have multiple kids?
It’s okay if this conversation looks different for each of them.
Some children will want more detail. Others won’t.
Meet them where they are.
Start With What They Already Know
One of the most surprising things?
Kids often know more than we think.
So begin with curiosity:
“What have you heard about what’s happening?”
This does two things:
It helps you understand their starting point
It gives you a chance to gently correct anything inaccurate or overwhelming
You’re not starting from scratch—you’re guiding what’s already forming.
Safety First (Always)
Before explaining anything complex, anchor them in what matters most:
👉 They are safe.
This needs to be clear, early, and repeated.
You might say:
“We live in a safe country.”
“This isn’t happening here.”
“It’s my job to keep you safe.”
Children don’t need a full global analysis.
They need certainty about their world.
You can also reinforce:
They don’t need to carry the worry
You will tell them if anything changes
They can always come to you with questions
That reassurance is everything.
Name the Feelings (Without Getting Stuck in Them)
This is scary.
And kids pick up on that—even when we try to hide it.
So instead of avoiding it, acknowledge it:
“Yeah… it is a bit scary.”
“It can feel confusing.”
“It’s okay to feel worried.”
Then gently contain it:
“A little bit of worry is normal.”
“We just don’t want it to take over.”
You’re teaching emotional regulation in real time.
Make It Make Sense (In Their World)
War is complex. But understanding doesn’t have to be.
One of the most powerful tools here is relatability.
Bring it back to what they know:
Disagreements with siblings
Arguments over toys
Feeling strongly about something being “unfair”
You might say:
“You know how sometimes people disagree and it turns into a big fight?
That can happen between countries too—just on a much bigger scale.”
It’s not about oversimplifying—it’s about giving them a bridge to understanding.
Shift the Focus: “Who Do We Want to Be?”
This is where the conversation becomes powerful.
Because beyond the fear and confusion, there’s an opportunity to talk about:
✨ Values
✨ Character
✨ Humanity
Ask:
“What kind of people do we want to be in a world like this?”
You might explore:
Being kind
Caring about others
Choosing peace in our own relationships
Helping where we can
And if it feels right, take small action:
Donate
Write something
Help someone locally
This turns helplessness into agency.
If Your Child Is Older: Go Deeper (Gently)
Older kids and teens will often ask harder questions.
Like:
“Who’s right?”
“Why is this happening?”
You don’t need to give a definitive answer.
Instead:
Share your perspective
Acknowledge other viewpoints
Encourage critical thinking
You’re not just giving answers—you’re teaching them how to think.
You can also talk about:
Media influence
Social media algorithms
Setting boundaries around what they consume
Because more exposure doesn’t always mean more understanding—it often means more overwhelm.
Keep the Door Open
This isn’t a one-time conversation.
It’s an ongoing one.
Let them know:
They can ask questions anytime
They can share what they’re hearing
You’re in this together
That ongoing safety net matters more than any single explanation.
And For You, As the Parent…
This part matters too.
You’re navigating your own thoughts and emotions about what’s happening in the world.
So give yourself permission to:
Not have all the answers
Feel uncertain
Need support
Because your ability to stay grounded is what helps your child feel safe.
Final Thought
It’s tempting to avoid conversations like this.
To hope they don’t come up.
To wait until they’re older.
To protect our kids from the heaviness of the world.
But the truth is—
They don’t need protection from the conversation.
They need guidance through it.
And the way you show up in this?
Calm. Honest. Steady.
That’s what shapes how they understand the world—and themselves within it.
If this is something you’re navigating right now…
You’re not alone.
And you don’t have to carry it silently.
If you need support—whether it’s for your parenting, your anxiety, or simply processing what’s going on—reach out.
Or share this with someone who might need it too.
Because these are the conversations that matter.
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Thanks for joining me. Today is not an episode I ever thought I would be recording but what I'm going to talk about today is how to talk to your kids about war and I know that what people are discussing with me out and about the school playground and on the sports sideline asking for advice around are some of the things that you want to know about too so here we are addressing this topic today. Now for context at the time of recording there is a major war that has begun in Iran which is having incredible consequences all around the world and is obviously particularly devastating for that region and for the countries involved that are being most impacted.
It's not really a conversation that we want to be having but somehow we have to help our children understand what's going on in the world around them especially when they might be hearing things about what is happening from other sources as well. So we as parents want to be guiding them through how they understand the issues of the world. What I'm going to do in this episode is I'm going to start by sharing some general tips and then what I'm going to do at the end is add some additional advice around talking to older children, tweens and teenagers just with some more specific context that can be helpful if your child is that little bit more developed and able to talk about this topic in some greater detail.
So let's begin with some general advice. The first thing I think is really important is to consider where and when you're going to have this conversation. Now I absolutely recommend that this is not a before bedtime chat.
We don't want our children going to bed feeling uncertain, unsettled and processing information that we've discussed around a topic like this and I get it that in the realities of really busy family life it can be difficult to have that one-on-one quiet time with our kids other than in a context like lying with them and settling them to sleep. We probably need to find some other opportunities for a conversation like this. In our family I really like side-by-side opportunities so if we're in the car going somewhere together that's an ideal time to be able to have a conversation like this.
One of the things that I find a little bit tricky though that I think is important to name is that if you've got multiple children who are at different developmental levels and whose personalities are a little bit different in terms of how they're inclined to engage with a topic like this, you want to be thinking about whether you can possibly stream who it is that you're talking to and when. So yes I've had a conversation with all of my kids together on this topic but I've also had a more detailed conversation with one of my children who wants to understand this more and is open to more discussion around this. They have questions and I need to meet them where they're at.
Their questions are actually not all that appropriate for their younger siblings and so I flagged to them in the car together conversation. You and I will have a bit more of a chat about this later too and you can ask me questions that you've got in that one-on-one context. So be aware that you might need a slightly different approach for different children here if you've got multiple kids in your family.
A really great starting point for the conversation too is to ask them what they have heard. I was incredibly surprised and lots of parents will report this when they're talking about current affairs that their children already know quite a lot. My children don't have access to phones or their own devices that they use privately so it really surprised me quite how much playground chat there had been around this at school.
So you want to ask them what have they seen, what have other people been talking about, what are they aware of, what are they aware of already on this topic. Hearing it from them also means that if there are any things that you're needing to clarify, any things that they've heard that aren't a fit for how you as a family want to be approaching this issue, how you want to be understanding global conflict, you are able to then guide and inform what it is that they are going to hold as their opinion around this. But inviting them to share what they know first is a really helpful starting point.
As a default, don't assume that they know nothing. Just because you don't have the news going in your house or in your car doesn't mean that they are immune from understanding what is happening in the world around them. Now a key thing to attend to early in the conversation is what I call safety first.
We're used to the slogan when it comes to understanding our well-being in workplaces and on job sites and settings like that, but safety first is also a really important concept when it comes to having conversations with our kids about things that might disrupt their sense of safety. We're really wanting to prioritize talking about their safety early in the conversation when they are paying us likely more attention. If you're listening to this episode from New Zealand where I'm recording and where I live, you'll be able to talk about the reality that we are mostly a peaceful nation, that we haven't experienced world wars in our country.
That is something that some younger children won't know and yes I acknowledge that in our colonial past there have been some conflicts that have been absolutely devastating, but helping our children understand that overall New Zealand is a peaceful nation and at times we have sent troops who've become involved in wars in other places, but our position is mostly a peaceful one. And here the words probability and possibility are important. It is highly improbable that something like a world war is going to happen here in New Zealand where we live.
It is of course a possibility, it's just not that likely and even explaining to kids these terms around probability and possibility, finding some examples of things that land that in their day-to-day lives will be a helpful concept for them to understand. Yes it's possible that really bad things could happen here but we are so privileged to live in a country where there is not conflict like there is in other parts of the world. So talk to them around their own safety, around the context that they're living in.
You can also talk if you're from New Zealand about what our typical approach is as a nation when it comes to conflict. We usually condemn war, we cooperate with other countries around peace, we're part of things like the United Nations where people are working together from different countries to try and make the planet a more peaceful place for all people. We're not a country that has nuclear weapons, we're a country that provides aid to other nations when they're in difficulty and we've got a commitment as a country when it comes to working towards peace.
So spend lots of time addressing their safety and the things that they can be aware of and understanding why they're safe right here right now. You can also talk to them as part of this conversation about how it's not their job to worry about their safety, how they might naturally be a bit worried about that and if at any time they are feeling unsafe or they've got questions and worries they can come and talk to you about those things but that it's your job as the adults in their life to keep them safe and to be alert to any risks to their safety. So if there are things that are happening around them that are changing it's your job to be aware of what those things are and if there are any changes that you're needing to make as a family to be safer you'll be the ones who are in charge of that.
And you can even address their other examples of things like weather events. You know if there is something happening like there is a storm that's going to be in our region it's our job as parents to be watching the weather forecast, it's our job as parents to be making sure that we have emergency supplies, that there's a way that we can listen to the radio, that we've got food and water and the things that we need for a few days if we found ourselves cut off from other supports that we normally have. Talk to them about how it's their job to listen to your instructions if there are things that need to happen to ensure their safety but it is your job to be alert to those risks and to be prepared and let them know that you won't hold back from telling them if there is something that they need to be aware of.
On the flip side your door is open, they can talk to you at any time if they're feeling unsure or unsafe they can ask you any questions they have. And as part of this too you're wanting to acknowledge that it is indeed scary. If they're feeling a little bit scared and unsure and wondering whether they're safe but that is absolutely their brain and their body and their emotions doing exactly what they need to do in a time like this.
It is natural, it is a normal response, it is what we want for there to be that little bit of worry there. Worry keeps us safe, it's just that we don't want our kids to stay in that place. So use this as an opportunity to acknowledge and normalize those feelings but talk to them about the boundaries with that worry.
A little bit of worry is okay, if this is something you find your brain is just keeping on dishing to you then let's talk about that too. I think you want to acknowledge here too that it is quite scary that these events are happening in the world. We as adults will all admit that it's scary for us too.
It leads to a sense of uncertainty that just kind of rumbles around us. We were that little bit more on guard and a little bit more alert to being worried about our safety. And it's confusing too.
Why would people want to be at war with one another? What is going on that leads to one nation feeling this strongly about what's happening in another country to take action that is quite devastating where innocent people get hurt too. It's really confusing and your children will feel confused in this as well. So being able to acknowledge and normalize those feelings is an important part of this conversation.
How I've talked to my kids about that is I've talked about some of the things that they're used to experiencing. They have different views as a group of siblings from one another and there are times that they are in conflict with each other, that they're fighting, that they struggle to share, that they have strong feelings about one another, that they might even hurt each other. So being able to ground what is happening overseas in some terms that they understand and their day-to-day reality can sound a lot like an oversimplification but can actually be really helpful for our kids getting their head around this.
So hey guys, you know how there's that argument in our house about who that thing really belongs to and whether so-and-so gave it to you or to you? Well that is some of what goes on when it comes to global conflict too. People argue over whose land that is, people argue over whose resources those things are and yes that's all a little bit more complicated than it is with thinking about your toys or the things that we have in our house. But the principles of that are really similar when it comes to thinking about some of the things that cause big fights around the world, that can even result in that escalating to a point where we call it a war.
There are disagreements between people, people struggle to resolve those disagreements and sometimes that escalates. We see that in really little ways with us as a family and that is something that plays out in our country and between countries around the world too. Now I know that this is all feeling really heavy so far, so I want to now add in something I think is an incredible opportunity for a really important conversation with our kids within this chat around global conflict and that is, it's an opportunity to talk about who we want to be in this story.
Now a couple of years ago when there were some things that were happening that were pretty difficult in the world, that weren't quite at this point of escalation, I recorded an episode called Mental Health when the world is on fire and it might be one if you're interested in this chat to go back and have a listen to for yourself. But one of the key things I talked about in that episode was how important it is to think about who we want to be when the world around us is in strife. What kind of character do we want to be in the story? So we can think back around global conflicts historically and we can think about who we would have wanted to be and how we would have wanted to show up with our values in those times.
And it's often easier to think back to past events than it is to think about what it is we're going to do right now when there is often a lot of confusion that enters the mix. So have a chat with your children about your family's values, about the kinds of characters that you want to be within this story of what's playing out. You know we want to be people who make peace with others, we want to be people who listen well to other people, we want to be people who are alert to what's going on around us, where we care about others and we show concern for people in other parts of the world even if we can't see them right here and right now.
This can be where it's really helpful to turn to taking some action. So maybe you help your children learn how to write a really simple note to a member of Parliament about what it is that's happening and what you think they should do. Maybe they sell some of their toys to give money to an aid program.
Maybe they're doing a good turn for other people who are around them locally who are less fortunate. How do we give love and compassion and care and action in a world where those things aren't happening? And a lot of that might be happening a really long way away from where we are but what can we do to create the kind of community and the kind of world that we want to live in? This can be so helpful to empower our children to be the kind of aware, alert and active global citizens that we would love them to be. While these conversations about complex things like war are indeed really difficult, they are also an opportunity to talk to our children about things that matter, to shape them into the kinds of human beings who can understand some of the complexities and difficulties of the world and still show up in their own lives in a way that matters, with compassion and kindness for others.
So who do you want to be as a family in this? Get their input and their ideas there. It can be really encouraging and inspiring for you as an adult too. Okay so let's talk about if you're having this discussion with slightly older children or children who are inclined to ask a few more questions.
I want to acknowledge here that one of my kids has had a lot of questions from a really young age so there's not really an age marker to this part of the episode. You're thinking individually here about the kind of child that you have and for some children they might still be quite young when you're having these conversations or these conversations might be more happening with tweens and teenagers. So ask your children what their questions are about this.
This is a really good starting point. It's likely that they're going to ask you who's right and who's wrong here and this is a really difficult question to answer. You'll have your own views on this and this is the time when you can share those views but also I encourage you to share with them what other people's views around this are too.
Because if your child is older and you're wanting to encourage those critical thinking skills, you're wanting them to think about where they get information from and how sometimes what somebody tells you, you need to do your own fact-checking and understanding around that too. This is a really really good way to model that to your children by presenting your own opinions and ideas in a way that they get to think about and engage with too. Treat them as if they're smart and you'll create smart kids.
So talk to them about the different sides, the history of the issues that are at play and whatever way you want to address those matters. Talk to them about sources of information and how the media often have different views of particular issues like war. What are the different perspectives here and what is being presented by different sides? What are the arguments, what are the views on both sides of this issue? Ask them how they feel about what it is that they're seeing.
So if you've seen some images around this, how did they make you feel? What did you think when you saw those images? When you've heard stories about what's happening in this war, what was your emotional reaction? How do you feel about this? Is it that you feel it's unfair? Is it that you feel worried? Is it that you feel this is really unjust? What is your emotional reaction and how is this landing for you? Get into those conversations with your children who are a bit more engaged around this topic. And I know it is really difficult but this can be where it is helpful to actually let them feel that moral weight with you. Join them in that.
Acknowledge that this is really tough. That it is an absolutely awful thing that human beings can blow other human beings up. That that is a cold stark reality of this that is incredibly difficult to stomach.
That it is really sad that we are living in a world where this is something that happens. Where conflict between people becomes conflict between nations and results in action like war that is brutal, that is really, really difficult and that ends up hurting a lot of people. And you're wanting to talk to them too around the boundaries with their exposure to this topic.
So if they have access to social media, remind them that what they see, the algorithm will give them more of. So if they start looking at some content around this on news sites or on their social media, they're going to get more about this and they might want to limit that. So beware of what you ask the algorithm for because it's going to give you more of that.
And it might be interesting, it might be something that on some level you feel drawn to but there is a point where more news, more information or exposure to images isn't helpful to you. So talk to them about how they're going to manage those digital boundaries and how you can support them with that. You might want to talk to your children too about other things that are changing as a result of this global conflict.
So maybe you're going to talk to your kids about how there might be some changes in what's on the supermarket shelves or there might be some things that are a little bit different around school going forward. And the reality is we don't know what that's going to look like. We don't know if there might be some changes that our government ask us to make in response to what is happening.
There might be some changes around how much fuel is available in our country. We might need to adapt our day-to-day lives around that. Maybe making less big trips, maybe we're going to need to make a bit more effort to use public transport or to be active in how we move between place to place.
But again here remind them we will tell you if we need you to do something different. And some closing advice here is remember to tell your children that they can come and ask you questions at any time. But if something has unsettled them, if they've heard something that doesn't make sense or they're just wanting to keep checking in with you around this, they're really welcome to do that.
It's a conversation that you're happy to have with them if they've got questions or things they're worried about. Let them know too that you'd love to keep hearing what it is that's being said at school or amongst their friends about these issues and that that will help keep you engaged in supporting them through processing what it is that's happening and what they're hearing about what's going on. And it can be a really difficult thing to front up and say as a parent that we don't have all the answers, that we don't know how to quite make sense of this ourselves, that there are some times that we feel a little bit worried about this too.
But acknowledging our own humanity while keeping our children feeling contained and safe is really important. Our tone matters here incredibly, much more than what it is that we're saying. Okay so let's recap some of the advice from this episode.
Think about when and where you're going to have this conversation with your children and particularly streaming that based on the different personalities or ages if you've got multiple kids in your family. Start by asking your children what you've heard because it gives you an opportunity to hear what exposure they've already had around the things other people are saying or perhaps even what they're saying. Attend to their safety first.
Spend lots of time emphasizing why they are safe. Talking to them about the context in which you live and the protections that are in place within the place that you reside. Acknowledge that this is scary.
Acknowledge that it is difficult to understand and that this is one of the things in life that is pretty tough to get your head around. Talk about who you are as a family, how you want to show up in this and what practical actions you might take. With older kids you're wanting to engage with them more around sources of information, around understanding their exposure to content about this topic and you might need to be wrestling with them a little bit more around some of the issues of morality and humanity that are bigger picture conversations within this topic.
Talk to them about your views, talk to them about alternative views and don't forget to use this as an opportunity to encourage their critical thinking. Let your kids know honestly that there are some things that might change. They might be asked to do some things differently too and you'll talk to them as a parent about that.
Remind them they can come to you at any time with their questions, with what they've heard, that you're in this together and that you're getting through this together as a family. My closing encouragement to you as a parent too is don't shy away from this conversation. Your children are going to be exposed to information, to other people's opinions around this and it's really important that you're showing up for them in this conversation.
Your own children's well-being around this topic, how they process this information, how their own mental health is in response to what's going on in the world around them really matters. So you being brave and bold entering this conversation with them, even if you think you might not need to, is really important. This is a topic of conversation that's complex but they need you as a parent to be in this with them.
I know this is incredibly tough and it's really hard to be raising kids in a world that feels quite so uncertain. This is a difficult time in human history. It's really tough that conflicts seem to be getting closer together but back yourself as a parent.
Your children need you in this conversation and you showing up as an emotionally regulated adult in this matters too. So if you need help for your own anxiety, your own worry and stress through this time, please connect. Open up with other people.
Talk with others around how it is that you're feeling. Attending to your own well-being and mental health through this time is really important too. All the best for this conversation.
I know that it's not a topic that many of us feel we really want to be engaging with our kids around but unfortunately it is a reality of our time and it's an important conversation to have well. If you've got particular questions that have come up from this episode, things that you'd like some advice and guidance around, please feel free to reach out. My inbox is always open.
