Ep 107: Ask Charlotte - How to Protect Your Relationship from Affairs
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
Affairs, Micro-Betrayals & Guardrails: A Practical Guide to Protect Your Relationship
Affairs are one of the most-asked-about topics in my Ask Charlotte question boxes. You’re not alone if you’re wondering how to protect your relationship, what to do about opposite-sex friendships, why you feel betrayed even if nothing “physical” happened, or how to handle a new spark with someone who isn’t your partner.
This post pulls together clear, compassionate guidance you can act on right now.
1) How to Protect Your Relationship Against Affairs
Affairs don’t usually start with sex; they start with connection. The best protection isn’t paranoia—it’s proactivity.
Know your (and your partner’s) vulnerabilities
Affairs often enter through unmet needs:
Do you light up when someone praises your work?
Do you crave feeling seen, admired, or successful?
Do you struggle with “not enough-ness” and soak up attention that soothes it?
Name those needs together so you can meet more of them inside your relationship—and spot when someone else is feeding them.
Invest in daily connection (not just date nights)
Small, frequent moments matter more than big, rare ones:
Turn toward bids (Gottman): when your partner reaches for you (a look, a question, a touch), respond.
Create rituals: hellos/goodbyes, debriefs after work, coffee together, a nightly check-in.
Emotional availability: go deeper than logistics—share feelings, hopes, stresses, and meaning.
Repair quickly
Ruptures happen. What counts is how fast you repair:
Apologise well. Own your part.
Ask: “What would help this feel better right now?”
Don’t let minor hurts accumulate into major distance.
Keep novelty alive
We’re wired for freshness:
Try a class, day trip, new trail, book a cheap midweek dinner, swap responsibilities for a week.
Novelty isn’t only sexual; it’s about aliveness and friendship.
Agree on boundaries that fit your relationship
Boundaries are guardrails, not punishments. Examples:
No one-on-one drinks with someone you’re attracted to.
No late-night private messages with colleagues.
Transparency around new friendships.
Prefer group or public catch-ups.
Key truth: This is a shared responsibility. It’s not on one partner (so often, the woman) to “affair-proof” a relationship.
2) Opposite-Sex Friendships: Is It Okay If It Makes Me Uncomfortable?
Short answer: this is a negotiation, not a universal rule. Get specific and collaborative.
How to approach it
Share why it feels hard (past experiences, attachment wounds, current distance).
Brainstorm middle paths:
Public meetups only
Reduced frequency
Clear “no private messaging” rule
You’re informed before/after catch-ups
Include partners where possible
It’s okay if this is a deal breaker for you—but try negotiation first. The goal is safety and respect, not control.
3) “They Didn’t Cheat… So Why Do I Feel Betrayed?”
Because emotional betrayal hurts too. Many partners say the emotional intimacy elsewhere—sharing inside jokes, venting, late-night texts—feels more devastating than sex.
What’s really going on
The situation could have progressed further (and that uncertainty is destabilising).
It exposes distance in your relationship (which is scary).
It may breach your values (honesty, loyalty, privacy).
What to do now
Name the impacts on trust.
Agree concrete repair actions (transparency with devices/messages for a time, ending/reshaping the external connection, scheduled reconnection time, therapy if needed).
Clarify your T&Cs: In 2025, don’t assume you share the same definition of monogamy. Spell out what’s okay/not okay (DMs? lunches? travel? flirty banter?).
4) You’ve Felt a Spark With Someone Else. Now What?
You’re ahead of the curve because you’ve noticed it early. Handle it in the light, not the shadows.
Do this immediately
Journal honestly
What exactly attracts me?
What need does this meet?
What feels missing at home that I want to grow?
Tell someone safe
A therapist or wise friend—get it out of your head and into accountability.
Tell your partner (yes, the hard bit)
“I’m feeling a connection with someone and I want to handle it in a way that protects us. Can we talk about guardrails and what we need right now?”
Set guardrails
No private messaging, no one-on-one catch-ups, no alcohol-fuelled hangs, change seating/rosters/projects where possible.
Name it to them (if needed)
“I value my relationship and I’ve noticed a spark. I need to step back from one-on-one time.”
Do the pros/cons in writing
Be brutally real about the risks, values breach, family impact, and long-term regret vs. short-term dopamine.
Conversation Prompts to Use This Week
“What kinds of attention feel most nourishing to you lately?”
“Where do you feel most unseen by me right now?”
“Can we each list three boundaries that help us feel safe in our relationship?”
“When we get off-track, what helps you feel repaired fastest?”
“What would add novelty for us this month?”
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Okay, well, welcome along to this episode of Ask Charlotte, all about affairs.
Now, one of the best things about the Ask Charlotte episodes is I invite you to ask me questions, and then there is often just a natural theme that emerges across the things that people have asked about. And so I'm hearing you that there is a bit going on in your minds and in your lives around this topic of affairs. Today, we're going to be talking about how to protect your relationship against affairs, how to approach the issue of having friends of the opposite sex if you're in a same-sex relationship, the dilemma around feeling betrayed by some actions of your partner, even if it hasn't technically been cheating in a physical intimacy sense, and also we're going to talk about what to do if you've met someone and connected with them, and you feel worried that you're vulnerable to something more happening between you.
Okay, so let's get into it. The first question is about how do I protect my relationship against affairs? Now this person was explaining that their spouse works in a workplace where there is a bit of a culture around infidelity being accepted, where they're in an industry where this is something that happens, and they're in a role where they meet lots of people all the time. They want to know how to strengthen their relationship, and they wanted to know how do they do their very best to protect their relationship against affairs.
Now one of the key things I want to say here is it is really important to understand our own triggers, to think about the things that we are particularly vulnerable around, and to know this for yourself and also for your partner. So when it comes to affairs, there is often a bit of an inroad to connecting with us that is based around our own vulnerabilities and the things that we most value. So for example, if you're someone who really likes to feel successful, and someone is paying you attention in a way that builds that sense of success, that can create an emotional connection that paves the way for more to follow, and sometimes those connections make it so much more likely for us to consider physical intimacy with another person.
You know, perhaps you've got a vulnerability around not feeling good enough, and there is someone who particularly sees you and praises you and hears you, that is going to be such a trigger point for you because that's an issue you're personally struggling with. So I think for all couples, being aware of our own vulnerabilities and being aware of our partner's vulnerabilities is really important. So that when we're connecting with people, we're really honest with ourselves about actually what's going on here is they are feeding me, they are meeting this need that is already within me.
Another key thing when it comes to protecting your relationship from affairs is have you got time to nurture your relationship? Now there is a big difference between the intention that people hold for their relationships and the realities of how much time they spend nurturing them. So have a think about are you setting time aside, not just for a fortnightly or monthly date night, but is there time within your day and your week to connect with your partner? We know that one of the most protective factors against affairs happening in relationships is a strong sense of connection. And so often I work with couples where there has been a betrayal, and there is a sense of kind of this affair, this new relationship has emerged in a way that feels like it's really snuck up on people, where they weren't aware of the lack of connection that was within their relationship.
They hadn't become aware of how they drifted over time until this new person came into the mix and suddenly paid some attention that developed a connection and became something more. So the connection that we have in our relationships really matters when it comes to fortifying us against infidelity. Now key to maintaining connection is thinking about our emotional bids and the way that we turn towards each other when one of us makes an effort.
So if you've listened to my podcasts recently around connection and relationship, you will have heard me talk about this Gottman Institute concept of bids. That when our spouse reaches out to us in some way, with a look, with a comment, with a question, with a touch, that we respond to that effort. We don't drop the ball or not catch the ball at all.
We respond to them when they're making a bid to connect with us. We know that it is so damaging for relationships for there to be bids that happen that fall flat. So think about your day-to-day level of responsiveness to one another's bids and the rituals that you have in your relationship that maintain connection.
The other thing I think you want to think about is your level of emotional availability for one another, i.e. the depth of your relationship, the extent to which you hear and see and understand one another. So when it comes to emotional availability, you need to be able to talk deeply with each other. You need to take your connection out of the day-to-day functional things and make sure you're dropping down into that level of emotional availability for one another.
The other key thing you can do is repair your relationship early. Again, this is a Gottman Institute concept where we talk about rupture and repair. So there are things that go wrong in relationships all the time, especially on a day-to-day level, and they are not the things that matter.
What matters is how quickly we repair. How do we rebuild, regroup, reconnect after a rupture has occurred? How do we make sure we don't leave our relationship sitting in anything that is kind of festering, that is not feeling good? How do we turn things around when something goes wrong? The other key thing I think is investing in novelty, making sure that there is some adventure, that there is some travel, that there is some sense of doing something new and different together. Sign up for a cooking class or a run club or go and do something that builds that basis of friendship between you but keeps some sense of novelty in the relationship.
Now a lot of people think that when it comes to novelty in relationships that protects against affairs, that is all about being in the space of sexual intimacy, and it can be that, but it's not all about that. It is about that sense of freshness, of novelty within our relationship on another level. When it comes to friendship, our time together and our connection with one another, does that feel fresh and engaging and safe? Then I think you want to think about what boundaries you need to stay safe.
So are there boundaries that you need within the relationship that help protect you against those things you're vulnerable around? So it may be that it's not such a great idea to be meeting alone for coffees, that you want to have couple friends more than you want to have a friend that you go off and have a drink with who's from the opposite sex. Think about what boundaries you need. Some couples need those boundaries, others don't.
It might be that there are boundaries around staying late alone at an office together with somebody. What are the rules and the boundaries that will help you avoid situations that might be difficult to say no to? But I think overall when it comes to protecting your relationship against affairs, it is a joint effort. Sometimes I see that women feel really responsible for this, i.e. what do I need to do? What do I need to change? Who do I need to be to protect against my male spouse having an affair? That is a little bit different in same-sex relationships, but there can be a sense that women take on a higher load when it comes to the effort they make in a relationship to protect against betrayal.
And I just want to name that as something that I think we can honestly talk about here. I think the key thing to say there is that it is a shared responsibility that doesn't fall to one person. Now a myth that I want to dispel here is that sometimes we talk about affairs as in there was some dissatisfaction when it came to the physical intimacy in the relationship and that is what drove that person to go and have an affair and go and do something new and exciting over here.
Now I have only heard that a small fraction of the time when it comes to working with couples around betrayal. The thing that is way more common to hear is that the connection between us had died. This wasn't feeling like a life-giving relationship anymore.
We were buried under the admin of life and flailing and I was finding my emotional needs being met by this other person and that paved the way for what followed in terms of physical intimacy. So I just want to put that out there that sometimes I think when it comes to protecting our relationships against affairs, we can overemphasize what happens when it comes to physical intimacy and underemphasize what we need in relationships around connection. Okay so the next question I'm going to cover today is whether it is okay for a spouse to have a friend of the opposite sex if it is making the other member of the relationship uncomfortable.
So obviously again this is all in the context of a heterosexual relationship and a friendship with a person of the opposite sex. Now I think one of the key things to say here is that this is ultimately a negotiation and we can come into these issues and think that there is some black and white answer and so often it is actually more appropriate that we negotiate our way through and that we continue to be open-minded and creative in our thinking about what might work. I.e. it might be that they can have a connection with that person, they can go and meet and have a friendship with another person of the opposite sex so long as there are some boundaries around that.
Like you might have some boundaries around the frequency with which that occurs or their meetings being in public places or you always knowing about what they're doing, there being some kind of report back on what they talked about or what's going on in that friendship or relationship so you don't feel like you're kept in the dark. I think it's quite unhelpful to approach this from the perspective of there being a black and white answer on this and to think instead about how do we negotiate our way through this. You know maybe this is a deal breaker for you and this does feel too unsafe, maybe you feel really undervalued, maybe you feel vulnerable if your spouse has friendships with people of the opposite sex.
So it is allowed to be a deal breaker for you but I encourage you to try and find a place of negotiation around how you proceed in this space. So consider all of the options and see if you can come to some kind of landing place that's mutually agreeable. I think it's really important here that you spend some time talking about what about this actually makes you feel uncomfortable and how might that relate to past triggers.
When it comes to talking about our past and relationships or those things that we emotionally feel vulnerable around, we need to do a really good job of explaining those things to our spouse, especially if we're asking for something from them, i.e. you might want to talk in some more depth about past relationship experiences or what's going on for you around that sense of being wounded by a rejection from your parent or whatever it is that makes you feel so vulnerable when it comes to your spouse having a friendship with a member of the opposite sex. So my question here to you would be, have you done a really thorough job of explaining why this is difficult or have you just kind of come at this from a bit of a black and white perspective? Do the best job you can of explaining why you find this tough. I hope that helps give you some sense of guidance around how you might move forward from here in your conversation.
So the next question that has come through is from a person who is feeling quite betrayed by something that their partner has done that technically wasn't cheating in that they didn't have sex with another person. There wasn't actually a physical connection between them and a person that they had a dynamic going on with, but the individual still feels betrayed by their actions. So the question was, even if my husband didn't cheat, how come I feel so betrayed? Now I think one of the most important things to say here is that often when it comes to some kind of connection or situation with another person outside of our relationship, one of the things that can be difficult about that is that we have a sense that it could possibly have gone further.
So maybe the line was drawn in a particular space and technically it wasn't cheating by your standards or theirs, but there can still be some very real feelings around betrayal. It can be that we think that actually this time this did stop in this place, but whatever went on here is making me doubt the relationship, is making me wonder if this could happen again, is leading me to feel like there's a higher probability that something might occur in the future. Now this can be incredibly destabilizing.
People who are left in the wake of something that has gone on, a dynamic between your partner and somebody else, can feel really lost, really disorientated within the relationship and a bit confused about why they are feeling the way that they are when there technically wasn't cheating that happened. I think it's significant for you to keep in mind too that an emotional connection with someone can feel just as significant or even maybe more painful than if there has been some kind of betrayal that has included physical intimacy. Maybe that speaks to what is missing within your relationship that you're really craving that you desire from your partner that somebody else was on the receiving end of.
So my main thing to say here is it is completely valid if you feel betrayed even if whatever has occurred didn't include physical intimacy. Now what's important here is that you think about how trust is restored between you. So what are the impacts on your relationship of what has gone on? How are you left feeling and why? And what needs to occur in order for trust to be built again? Sometimes as well this can feel difficult because of values that we hold.
We've got particular values around honesty within our relationship. We can feel like, wow, this is so not okay because this is something that is really, really important to me. And for a lot of people, feeling honored and significant and important in your spouse's life, even when you're not there, when you're not in the room, when they're in different places and spaces, is a really significant thing in our relationship.
The other thing I'd say on this that I'm finding myself saying more and more to couples now is it is 2025 and when it comes to our relationships, we actually need to go through the T's and C's. We can't assume that there is a shared understanding around monogamy. I mean, there have always been times that there have been betrayals within relationships across human history, but perhaps relationships look a little bit different these days than they historically have in recent times.
Now all of that is to say you need to talk about what your expectations are in your relationship. What is this going to look like? What do we mean when it comes to the terms of our relationship? What is our definition of monogamy if this is a relationship that's monogamous? Are we wanting to explore something different? What is acceptable to the both of us? What are the terms of this and what do we mean by that? We're now in a different time. Relationships are held a little bit differently.
There is lots that goes on around there being a bit more fluidity when it comes to people's sexual conduct and what they do in relationships and what is okay. People are doing life differently now and if you are in a relationship where you are expecting monogamy when you're expecting that to look a particular way, you kind of need to do the work now and explaining that to your partner and negotiating that together and being really clear to ensure you're on the same page. So the last question on this topic today is I've met someone recently who I'm finding myself drawn to and connecting strongly with.
Nothing has happened yet but I can easily see how something more could develop. How do I protect myself in this space where there is a very real person who has entered my world? Okay, so my starting point here would be to journal, to get really honest with yourself about what is it that I'm attracted to about this person? What is that telling me about my unmet needs? What is that telling me I'd like to create more of within my relationship? And what is it that I need to be honest about with myself around the timing of this connection? Around the fact that this person has entered my life now and I feel like there is some kind of spark. Why might that spark be occurring? So doing your very best effort to get really honest with yourself around all of the dynamics of this connection.
Then my encouragement is, and it's scary, but my encouragement is to share that with someone and sometimes that is easier to do with a friend or a confidant, a random person at work, somebody else in another sphere of our life. But to talk about this connection, to talk about your insights around why there has been this spark and to just make sure that that is held not in the dark, that there is someone else standing with you in that space. Now, the next build from that is to talk to your partner around that, to say, look, I want to be really honest with you.
There's someone who's come across my path recently and I'm feeling a bit of a sense of connection with them and I'm really wanting to manage that to make sure that my connection with them doesn't grow into anything more. That can be incredibly tough for a partner to hear, but it is a really important conversation to have that is deeply protective and respectful of our relationship. I think most spouses would much rather have that difficult conversation at that time than to be having a conversation where someone is coming forward and saying, oh no, something has happened between me and this other person.
So do your best job of sharing, of bringing this into the light, of making this be something that is held between you and some other people in your life, ideally held between you and your partner as well. Another thing that can be really helpful is to do some reflection around the pros and cons of this. In the moment, it can feel like a really good idea being drawn to this other person, having that moment of connection with them.
But we need to be real about the pros and cons for us. So yes, this feels really nice in the moment and this is working for you on a lot of levels. It's kind of lighting you up.
There are some things that are going well about this, I imagine, and you need to be real about the cons. What are the things that I would lose if I pursued this relationship? What are the risks that I'm taking here? What are the impacts going to be on me of doing something that is perhaps outside of my values or that is going to make an impact on our relationship or our family if you've got children? So get real with yourself about what are the pros and cons of this and making sure that that is all out specifically. I'd really encourage you to write that down if this is something you need to be thinking about.
And the other thing I'd say here is it is absolutely OK to put boundaries in around your connection. To be honest with that other person and say, look, I can see the beginnings of something here and it is really important to me that this doesn't go any further. I really like you and I'm really sorry, but I can't do whatever it is.
I can't connect with you. I can't privately message you. I can't meet you for a coffee or lunch or whatever that is.
It is totally OK to put protective boundaries in place and the chances that if they've noticed that spark too, they will understand your reason for making that decision and respect that need to have that separation between you. But it is absolutely acceptable for you to have guardrails that help you to keep your own relationship on track and help keep you from those moments of connection becoming something more. I really applaud this person for asking this very honest question and for grappling with this and thinking about how they protect themselves from more happening.
OK, so in today's episode, we've talked about protecting your relationship from affairs, what to do around this dilemma of friendships with members of the opposite sex. We've talked about why you can feel betrayed even if there hasn't been physical intimacy and a connection with another person. And we've talked about what to do when you notice that spark between you and someone else and you're not wanting to take things further.
I just want to say I love and appreciate your questions so much. I love doing this Ask Charlotte content for you, being able to give you some real honest responses. And just remember to follow me on Instagram or find my NGL link on my website where you can go and ask an anonymous question anytime.
I put up a question box every Tuesday where I can gather your anonymous questions. And you're also really welcome to just direct message me if you've got a question and you don't need that anonymity. I'd love to hear your topic ideas and questions for the podcast.
It really helps me to keep this honest and relevant for you. Thank you for your honesty and bravery that is behind the questions you've asked today. I love being that person that you can come to for some good, honest advice.
I hope there's something in this episode that has helped those listeners who asked the questions and maybe helped others too.
