Ep 108: How to Decide What to Let Go Of When Your Plate Is Too Full
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
How to Decide What to Ditch (When Everything Feels Important)
If your calendar looks like a game of Tetris and your brain feels the same, this one’s for you. Learning what to let go of—and when—is a life skill. It protects your mental health, your relationships, and your capacity to enjoy the life you’re working so hard to build.
This guide will help you:
Decide if you need to let something go,
Work out what to put on the chopping block, and
Step through a discernment process when there’s a specific thing you’re agonising over.
Along the way, we’ll weave in a core idea I talk about often: unbearable feelings—the one feeling you’ll do almost anything to avoid (e.g., feeling like a failure, disappointing others, being left out). These feelings are always in the room when we’re deciding what to ditch.
Part 1: Do I Actually Need to Give Something Up?
Use these quick litmus tests. If you nod at 2–3 of them, something likely needs to go.
1) Are the right people paying the price?
Are you rushing the people you love (partner, kids, friends) to keep commitments that mainly protect how others see you? Hard truth: strangers’ opinions are often getting VIP treatment while our closest people get leftovers.
2) What does your health say?
No time to exercise?
Postponing GP checks?
Fueling on caffeine and scraps?
Your body is your ticket to ride. If basic maintenance isn’t possible, you’re over capacity.
3) What does your relationship say?
Connection requires time and slowness. If you’re living on logistics (“Did you pay that bill?” “Who’s doing pick-up?”), your plate is too full for intimacy.
4) Personal “enough-time” markers
Pick 2–3 anchors that tell you you’re balanced. Examples:
I have time for a weekly friend catch-up.
I get one creative hour each week (paint, plant, write, tinker).
I can cook a proper meal twice midweek.
If those vanish, that’s your alarm.
5) The “Lotto Test”
If you won Lotto, what would you stop immediately? What would you keep? Now ask: What’s the realistic, bite-sized version of that today? (e.g., a long weekend trip each school term, not world travel.)
Part 2: What Should I Consider Letting Go Of?
When you like everything you do, it’s hard to put anything on the table. Try these lenses:
The Ikigai Lens
Where what you’re good at and what the world needs overlap is your sweet spot. Ask:
Could someone else do this just as well (or better)?
Is this my highest contribution—or simply habit?
(Helpful reframe: Letting go may make space for the person who would love to take this on.)
The Either/Or Test
“If I had to choose between X and Y, which wins?”
Sometimes “both” is simply not true. Limited capacity is not a moral failure; it’s reality.
Identity: Past You vs. Becoming You
Is this commitment a relic of who you were—or aligned with who you’re becoming? Reinvention requires releasing yesterday’s costume.
The Energy Ratio
Rough guide:
If >60–70% of the task drains you and only 10–40% lights you up, it’s probably a no (unless it’s a short, strategic season or pays a bill you need right now).
The Mix
What’s the emotional weight of your current load? If everything is “heavy,” prioritise light/connecting/creative additions—and trim heavy where possible.
Red-Flag Feelings
Frequent dread, resentment, avoidance = your body is voting “no.” Listen.
Obligation Audit
What keeps you in?
Guilt? Perception? Old promises?
Ask: What would I choose if no one had an opinion?
Part 3: The Discernment Process (When One Thing Is On The Table)
Here’s a clean, repeatable flow when you’re sitting on a decision:
1) Name the Unbearable Feeling
Which button is this pressing?
“If I quit, I’ll look like a failure.”
“If I say no, I’ll disappoint them.”
“If I slow down, I’ll be left out.”
Write it down. Speak it out loud. You can survive that feeling—it’s not a danger, it’s a sensation.
2) Check the Season
Has this season run its course?
Is the right season still coming (i.e., “not never—just not now”)?
“You can have it all—just not all at the same time.”
3) Run the 5-Minute Cost–Benefit
Costs of Continuing: health, time, relationship erosion, creativity loss, constant hurry.
Benefits of Continuing: money, status, impact, meaning, momentum.
Costs of Stopping: disappointing others, identity wobble, income gap, temporary awkwardness.
Benefits of Stopping: breathing room, presence, focus, joy, sleep, actual time with your people.
If benefits-of-stopping are compelling and costs-of-continuing are chronic, you have your answer.
4) Define a Gentle Exit
Give clear notice and a kind, short reason (“capacity,” “season change,” “family priorities”).
Offer transitions (handover doc, short training, two weeks of email support).
Don’t over-explain. No is a full sentence; you’re adding courtesy, not justification.
5) Pre-Plan the Void
What will you intentionally add to avoid “quitting whiplash”?
A weekly friend date
Two gym classes
One creative block
Slow dinner twice a week
A night with no plans
6) Put a Boundary on Rumination
Give yourself a decision deadline and a 24-hour “wobble window.” After that: decide, document, act. (Lingering is what drains you.)
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Okay, so I officially think that my best episodes are about things that you want to hear about that are also things that I have struggled my way through and made a little bit of progress around but are potentially also still live issues in my life and this is one of those episodes.
Today we're going to talk about how to decide what to ditch. Now this is a really, really difficult decision for many people to even think about do they need to have a bit of a reshuffle in their life? How would they consider what it is that they might like to let go of and if they're thinking about a specific thing, how do they step that through to come to a point of discernment about is it the right timing to give this up? Is this the right thing to give up? How am I going to proceed with this? Now this territory of working out what it is that we might want to give up or step away from in our lives is really complicated and we cannot start this conversation without talking about unbearable feelings. So if you've heard the podcast before, you'll be familiar with this concept of unbearable feelings that we all have a feeling we particularly want to avoid.
We like it way less than any other uncomfortable feeling and we're happy to structure our lives around avoiding feeling that feeling. So caught up in this whole dilemma of having the right amount on our plate and being able to shuffle our lives at times to let go of some things is something that really pushes our unbearable feeling. So let's just say your unbearable feeling is being perceived as a failure, then of course you're going to be interested in how this looks to other people and sometimes you'll hold on to things just because of how it looks to others, what it says about your level of success.
If you're someone who really struggles with disappointing other people and that is unbearable for you, it will be really difficult if what it is that you're letting go of really lets some other people down or lets down people that you perceive as big people or important people or people who really need you in some way. So this is a skill that we all need to have through our lives. The ability to adjust things in different seasons, to make decisions about what we're keeping and what we're letting go of.
And definitely for some people, that is more of a thing in their lives than others. But I think for all of us, this dilemma pushes those buttons. If we've got an unbearable feeling that relates to this topic, it can be really difficult to let things go.
So today what I want to do is give some advice on this topic and help step through what are the key considerations when it comes to working out what it is that you might ditch. You will have heard me talk before about how you cannot have good mental health without having the right amount on your plate. And so many of us live with nervous systems that are wired towards overachieving and that we actually feel safer on some level if we're doing more.
Now that is really problematic because that is not actually what your nervous system likes. That is just what you have become used to through the story of your life. And perhaps as well, it relates to some of your own trauma history or the backstory in your life.
My personal goal around this is to get faster at decision making when it comes to working out what I'm going to let go of. To get to a point where I pay way less of a price and it is less costly for me because I don't sit in this lengthy decision making period working out what it is that I want to let go of. I once went to my own supervision.
So you will know that for people who work in people helping professions, we toddle off every now and then and go and talk to another person about our problems and the things we're struggling with. I went for an entire year to talk about whether I should give up this particular thing. I don't know if that was particularly painful for the person that I was talking to, but it was actually quite painful for me too because I grappled with whether to let go of this thing.
I actually knew right at the beginning of that year, this is not right for me. And yet it took me a whole year to come to a point where I was actually pressured into making that decision. And the only way that I could finally decide was with enough pressure where it was becoming kind of intolerable.
I have struggled and battled my way through this issue as one of the top things that I struggle with. And so I want to be able to help you if this is something that you find difficult too. Okay.
So today in this episode, we're going to do three things. Firstly, we're going to talk about working out whether you need to give something up. Second, we're going to talk about working out what to consider giving up.
And lastly, we're going to talk about the process of discernment if there is something on the table and you're wondering, do I give up this thing? Okay. So firstly, when it comes to working out, do I need to let go of anything in my life? There are a few key questions that you can ask yourself. One is, are you disappointing the people that you love and favoring people whose opinion of you doesn't actually matter? Now this really comes home to roost for me when it comes to thinking about my own family and children.
I have recently let go of something that I really treasured and valued, a piece of work that I found quite rewarding, that I've been doing for a number of years, but it was just that kind of one thing too many on my to-do list. And I recognize that in the process of decision-making, I really needed to let something go. And yes, I could push myself, continue to fit this in, continue to make this work, but ultimately the people who are paying the price for that are my family.
When I'm hustling the kids to bed because I've got to do another chunk of that work that's otherwise really difficult to fit in, or I'm going off to meetings that are actually not at a time of day that really works very well for my family, are the people that you love paying the price for whatever it is that you're over-committed to. Next, what does your health tell us about how much you've got going on in your life? Do you have the time that you need to attend to your health? Have you got time to do regular exercise? What does the status of your health and well-being tell us about whether you need to give something up? Now, I know some of you are going to feel like I have just punched you in the guts with this question, and I'm very sorry, but you are also very welcome. This question of whether we need to give something up is often really obvious when we consider how much time and attention we have to pay to matters of our own health and the basics of our well-being.
If you don't have time to exercise, if you don't have time to do what you need to do on the nutrition front, if you are too busy to go to the GP, if you don't have time for proactive medical appointments, then you likely are too busy and you need to find some room and space to look after yourself. Our body is our ticket to ride in life, and without it, we don't get to play. So we need to be able to recognize that we need time to look after ourselves.
And if you're looking at your life wondering, do I need to give something up? Looking at your health and well-being is a really good indicator that will give you an honest response as to whether there's maybe something that needs to go. Next, what does your relationship quality say about how much you've got on your plate? Do you have the time that you need to give attention to your relationship, to nurture your relationship, to be going slowly enough in your life that your relationship is actually flourishing and has the energy and attention that it needs? One of the reasons so many relationships struggle is because we are all so stretched and pushed with what it is that we've got on our plate. And so often I have conversations, especially with really busy people, about what it is they might need to give up.
And they tell me that there is nothing they can give up, that everything that they've got going on is really, really important. And I'm like, bring it on. We need to wrestle and work out together what it is that can go because there is always something.
I had a great conversation in couples therapy with a couple where I made a joke about how he wasn't allowed to go on another board because that was not going to work while they were in this season of working on their relationship. And they laughed and laughed because he'd just been asked to take another voluntary appointment to go and help an organization out. Now, it is really important that we consider how much capacity our relationship has for whatever it is that we have got going on in our life.
If you are in a season where your relationship needs some attention, you need to dial down some of the other commitments in your world. And it is okay to say no to have that time to spend on your relationship because it is so important. The other thing I encourage you to consider is whether there are any markers of whether you have got enough time.
Now, I have a couple of markers that tell me whether I have got enough time. I want to have time to connect with my friends. And that is one of the things that goes from my life if I am just too busy.
The other thing I like to have time for is some creativity. So I like to paint. I like to have little projects on the go.
I like to do fun stuff around my house. And I do not have time for those things if I'm too busy. So they are a couple of my markers of whether I have got enough time.
Have I got time for creativity? And have I got time for my friends? Because they are two of the things that go if I am just too busy. So think about what are your markers of whether you've got the right amount on your plate. The other thing I encourage you to consider is what hypothetically might happen if you said no to some things.
So in general, I think there are a lot of people who push themselves. Out of wanting to see how much they can fit into their lives. I have totally been guilty of this.
Where the overperforming, overachieving aspect of them is about pushing to see how many things can they fit in. Now, I'm a master planner and organiser. I'm constantly a step or 10 ahead.
And that is great. But life is not a game of seeing how much we can cram in. I really like to have a full life and to make the most of the opportunities around me.
And I think I'm always going to want to have a certain number of things on the go. I know that about myself, that I like that sense of momentum, of having lots of different tabs open. But there can be too many tabs.
And we need to consider if I let go of some things, what might others' opinion of me be? Am I worried that that is going to change? Might they see me as lazy or not as successful if I didn't have as much going on? They can be some really important and confronting questions to ask. The other thing I think you can consider is if you're looking at your life and the different things you've got going on, is there anything that is not a wholehearted yes, that you don't feel so passionate about that you would keep it under other circumstances? Now, a helpful question or way of thinking here can be to consider what would you do if you won Lotto? So we have this really quick response of like, I'd go travel the world or I'd go and do this or I'd quit this job. Well, actually, if you par that back and go, hmm, what is it that I would keep if there was some kind of version of that? What is my answer to what would I do if I won Lotto? Tell me about how I might like to live differently.
So if you currently do no travel because you're too busy or your life is structured in a way that that doesn't work and your dream if you won Lotto would be to do heaps of travel, then I think that what that is telling you is that you might like to do a little bit of travel. So listen to that what would I do if I won Lotto question answer and think about what that is telling you and what you can bring forward from that into your day to day life. So what's the realistic version of your answer to what would I do if I won Lotto? And another great question to ask yourself is, what do I want more of in my life? What are the key words around that? Is it wanting more peace or more adventure or more novelty or more connection? What is it that you want to create more of in your life? And is there a need to make some space to allow that to happen? So they are some good questions to ask if you're back in that space of working out, do I actually need to give anything up? And I hope that there are some real light bulb moments as you think through that for yourself.
And so what I noticed for some people is that there is a dilemma around what to even put on the table and consider when it comes to maybe giving something up. They feel like they really like all the things that they have got going on. Now, this is where the Japanese concept around ikigai is really helpful.
And it's essentially the idea that there is what we are good at and what we are passionate about. And there are the needs of the world around us. And there is basically an overlap between those two things.
There is this space in the middle where who we are meets the needs of the world around us. And that can tell us a lot about doing what only we can do in this world, being the best version of ourselves and offering the highest version of ourselves to those around us and to our community, to our world. So often I like to think about could someone else do this? And in the decision I've just recently made to let go of something, this was a really crucial piece of the mix.
In this case, somebody else absolutely can take over that function that I had. And so it is sometimes really helpful to do a little bit of reverse psychology on ourselves, that we might be worried about disappointing people by letting go of that thing, but we might be making somebody else really happy who's able to pick up the thing it is that we're letting go of. I sometimes think about this from a bit of a spiritual perspective, thinking about God or the universe or whatever other kind of frame you bring to that space and going, there is a higher power, in my belief, working together for all of our good and wanting to make things work out.
There's someone listening to our prayers, listening to what it is we want. And if some of us are holding on to things that we actually need to let go of, it is kind of a little bit tough for the universe or God to work that stuff out. So have a think about is there someone else who could pick up any of the things that are currently on my plate? And no, they don't need to be obvious.
And no, it doesn't need to be obvious who that person is right now, because sometimes you need to step back to make that space. But hypothetically, is there someone else who would love this thing that I'm currently doing? Now, don't let that be a barrier, because thinking, oh, there's nobody else, can sometimes be something that keeps us stuck in our commitments, but it can be a helpful perspective to think of. The other thing I find really confronting is if I had to choose between X and Y, what would I choose? Now, I'm someone who has got a lot of different things going on in my working world, and there have come some junctions recently where I've had to make some decisions.
If I have this and this in my life, it feels very, very full, and I can't do both of them well at the same time. I'm only going to reach a certain point in terms of what I can contribute if I'm operating in both of those spaces. So I have sat with counselling clients before where I've had to ask them, if you had to choose between this thing you really care about and that thing you really care about, which one of them wins? And no, it is often not an answer that is available to you to hold both of those things together and do both of them well.
So sometimes we need to pit things against each other in our lives and go, actually, I've got limited capacity. Which one of these things do I care about more? The other thing I think sometimes people need some empowerment to think about is what are your own visions and goals, and how does what it is that is on your plate at the moment fit within the context of that? One of the things that really pushed me to let go of the thing I've let go of recently was the fact that I've got some really solid financial goals in the next 10 years in terms of setting myself and our family up for our future. Now, that is not about a huge amount of kind of overambition.
That is just about going, well, what am I going to do when it gets to retirement age? Or how do I make space over the next chunk of time to care for ageing parents? You know, I want a bit more time and capacity, which means I have to be real about what is on my plate and the space that different things take up. So considering your own vision for your life and your goals is really important. OK, so when it comes to discerning and you've got something on the table and you're thinking, do I let go of this thing? Let's step through some questions that can be helpful to ask along that road.
Firstly, an important consideration is, is there an element of season about this? Either that this thing that I was doing, the season for that has now run its course or actually now is not the right time for this thing and the season for that might be coming again in the future. My mum said to me when I was parenting young kids, Charlotte, you can have it all, but you just can't have it all at the same time. And that was so important for me to hear.
So sometimes we need to recognise and discerning what it is we let go of, that a season has run its course or that another season might be coming where this thing fits in a bit better. And I get it as women that we can have hopes for ourselves, particularly that end up being deferred around some of the other things that need to fit into our world. That is really tough, but also we need to be realistic about the extent to which we push ourselves in that space.
The other thing that can be important to consider there is, is this reflective of who I was or who it is that I want to be in the future? Sometimes one of the things that can be so important in making discernment around what it is we let go of is that sense of our identity. How do we move towards who it is that we want to be? Now, sometimes the things we are holding on to are from past versions of ourselves. That is how I used to be.
That is how I used to roll. That is what I used to be involved with. And sometimes we need to make those difficult decisions about what it is we let go of because we're moving towards a whole new identity.
Now that can be really exciting and incredibly difficult and daring in reality when it comes to letting those things go and leaving that little bit of a void around what it is that is still emerging. But I really encourage you because that is some of the coolest stuff you can do in your life, where you're reinventing yourself, where you're bringing forward different things about who you are in the world. And if you're making those identity shifts, it's helpful to think about, is this thing I've got going on in my life a reflection of who I was or who I'm becoming? The other question is, how often do I find this energising? Now, the thing that I have just recently given up was a highly rewarding something.
So it was something that people really appreciated. They really liked me for it. At the kind of tippy top end of the spectrum, it was a great thing to do.
But most of the time, I didn't find it energising because there was a whole lot of behind the scenes work. So 90% of it was a whole lot of grunt work and the last 10% was really valued by people. And you couldn't do that 10% without the 90%.
Now, I actually think that there is someone else out there who will really like that 90% of the task, the realities of what it is. But when you're discerning whether you're going to give a specific something up, it can be helpful to consider how much of this do I find energising? How often do I experience feeling excited about this work? Now, all roles, especially when it comes to something like work or a voluntary commitment, will include things that we don't love to do. Not often do we have 100% of a particular function that we perform that we really enjoy.
Most of life comes with some admin or some something else going on around the edges. But we need to be realistic about the fact that actually we want a balance to that. And the balance for me there was off.
If I'm not enjoying this 90% of the time, that 10% of the time that I do enjoy it isn't really worth it. Now, that was an important thing for me to clock and something that really helped me make sense of why I was going to let this thing go. The other thing to think about is what's the mix of what is going on in your life? You know, have you got some things that you're involved in that also feel fun and social? Maybe you want to be on the committee for the school fair because that's a lovely expression of your values.
And that is something that, yes, might make you busy, but also is fun and collaborative and kind of hits some key values for you. So sometimes there's a return from the activities that we do, the things that we take on that are about the balance of what we do in our lives. Maybe there are other things going on in our life that are heavy or difficult or that are particularly kind of mentally focused or that are especially emotional.
And having something practical to do over here really fits. So thinking about the balance in our lives, what's the mix of the different activities you've got going on at the moment? One of the things I've been saying for a while now is I don't have the space for anything more that is heavy. I've said no to a bunch of things that some people have been quite persistent about because it is just too heavy.
I don't have space for more heavy things. I have space for more fun things, space for more connection, space for more things that really fit with my values. But I don't have space for more things that take up this heavy space in my life.
I just understand what that mix looks like. So think about the mix that is going on for you. If you're working out, do I give this thing up? Is this something that I can let go of to get that balance and mix a little bit more accurate for how I want things to feel? You can think too about how often do I experience dread or resentment, frustration or anger when I am engaged in this activity or when I think about it? Am I putting things off because I actually don't enjoy it? What am I doing in this space? And what might I gain by letting go of this thing and the associated feelings? So would I gain more peace? Would I gain more ease, more capacity? Would I let go of those difficult feelings and perhaps feel a little bit lighter? What is it that you might gain emotionally by letting go of this thing? And lastly, what keeps you in obligation? What makes you feel like you need to do this? Do you feel like you owe someone something or you're somehow making up for something or you're obliged because of X, Y and Z? Really check that sense of obligation.
How are other people's opinions coming into this? And it is such a great question to ask and something I ask a lot of my clients. What would you do if nobody had an opinion? What decision would you make if nobody cared? Because the reality is that when we let go of something, sometimes there are consequences, other people might feel disappointed or a bit gutted that we're stepping back from that, or it might create a dilemma of who's going to do this now, but it is really important that we stay in charge of our own lives, that we make good decisions for ourselves because no one else is going to make those decisions for us. So really check your obligation.
If you're discerning what to keep on your plate, have a bit of a sense of, am I worried about other people's opinions here? And if they didn't have those opinions, what is it that I might let go of? Okay. One of the things I've done from today's episode, because I recognize I have asked a whole lot of different questions, is I have put together some show notes specific to this episode. So a list of the questions, the thoughts that I have shared in today's episode that you can download on my website, charlottecummings.nz. So if this has gone really fast for you, if you want to sit down with some of these questions and journal around them, then there is a show notes guide from this episode, and I'm wondering if that little way of working might be something that helps my podcast listeners to really get the extra benefit out of the content of each episode.
So if you want the show notes to this episode, head over to my website and I'll put a link in the episode description for you too. So if you are at a place of considering, do I need to give something up? What do I even consider giving up? Or is that thing I'm thinking about giving up the thing I actually want to give up? I hope that there has been some helpful advice and guidance for you today. This is a real grapple.
This is a big challenge of modern life. And so many of us have a lot of moving parts in our lives now. So I hope that there have been some helpful things to draw into your thinking and to your reflection, to keep making sure you've got the right balance and the right amount going on in your life.
