Ep 109: Ask Charlotte - Separation Anxiety, Kid's Grief, and Helping Kids Relax
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
Ask Charlotte: Three Big Questions About Kids’ Mental Health (Separation Anxiety, Illness & Grief, and Helping Kids Relax)
As parents, our wellbeing is braided tightly with our children’s. When they’re unsettled, we feel it. This week’s Ask Charlotte dives into three questions I’m asked often about kids’ mental health:
How do I help my child with separation anxiety?
How do I support my child when someone we love is unwell or dying?
How can I help my kids actually relax (without defaulting to screens)?
Below you’ll find practical, gentle guidance you can use today.
1) Separation Anxiety: What to Do (Before You Do Anything)
Start with detective work (not strategies)
Before we reach for tips and tricks, get curious: what exactly is your child afraid of? Anxiety is information. Name the fear and you’ll know what to address.
How to uncover it (even with littlies):
Play it out: Use figurines/Barbies/animals to “act” drop-off. Ask: What is Mum/Dad thinking? What is the teacher thinking? What are you thinking?
Story build: “Let’s draw a little cartoon of drop-off. What happens first? Then what?”
Listen for beliefs:
What if they forget to come back?
What if I get left alone?
What if something bad happens when we’re apart?
Once you know the fear, you can address that.
Strengthen the nervous system
A wired, tired nervous system makes goodbye feel bigger.
Sleep / food / movement: Tighten bedtimes, protein-rich snacks, fresh air daily.
Play dosage: More free, unstructured play (especially outdoors).
Quality time top-up: If possible, add small, reliable moments of 1:1 time to increase felt security.
Mind your language
Ditch labels like “clingy” or “needy.” Try:
“We’re still figuring out what helps drop-off feel safe.”
It’s a we problem, not a them problem.
Use predictable rituals (and keep them short)
Concrete routine > time talk: Young kids don’t grasp minutes well. Try:
“We’ll do two things together (hang bag + read one page), then hugs + bye.”
Short & kind: Longer goodbyes can increase distress. Keep it warm and brief.
Agree a check-in: Ask the teacher/carer to text after 15–30 minutes to reassure you.
Create a simple social story
Make a tiny book (Canva/paper) showing:
What happens at drop-off
What your child might feel
The truth (who’s there to help, what you’ll do next)
The reunion
Want a deeper dive? My e-book “How to Support Your Child When They’re Experiencing Anxiety” includes a full section on separation anxiety (scripts, social stories, and step-by-step plans).
2) Illness, Dying & Grief: How to Support Children
This is tender ground. Go slow, be honest, and keep it simple.
Explain clearly and age-appropriately
Bodies & facts: “Grandad’s heart isn’t pumping well. The doctors are helping.”
Contagion & likelihood: Kids often worry: Will I get it too? Will you? Clarify what is and isn’t contagious; talk gently about probability and age.
Invite questions (and give options)
Say:
“You can ask me, Dad/Gran/Teacher any time.”
If you’re grieving too, widen the circle so they don’t feel they’re adding to your pain.
Create connection through action
Kids need ways to do something:
Photo wall / memory corner at hospital or home
Letters/drawings/voice notes for the person who’s unwell
A comfort kit (photos, soft toy, scent) for visits
Ring-fence time for feelings
Set aside moments to “lift the lid”: a beach walk to remember, a drive to talk, a cosy time to cry. Proactive space can reduce those overwhelming “out of nowhere” waves.
Keep living, gently
It’s okay to celebrate birthdays and enjoy small pleasures. Try:
“It feels strange to have cake while Pop’s in hospital. We’ll enjoy this for him too.”
Rituals that honour
Cook their favourite dish (“Uncle Murray’s pav”)
Visit a special place
Light a candle / tell a story
Continue shared traditions
Make room for fun
Play, park trips, swimming, silly games—this isn’t disrespectful; it’s regulation. Kids need nervous system resets during hard times.
3) Helping Kids Relax (Beyond Screens)
Many kids have only one off-switch: a device. Let’s widen the menu.
Build a “calm menu” (post it on the fridge)
Offer non-screen options they can do solo:
Reading nook / comic corner
Trampoline + blanket + book
Audiobook / Yoto story / guided meditation
Lego free-build / puzzle table
Drawing kit / sticker books / threading
Nature hunt in the backyard
“Cloud TV” (lie on the grass + watch the sky)
Set up the space
Make relaxation easy to start: a beanbag in the sun, a cosy corner, a swing. Put the tools right there (blanket, books, headphones).
Model it (let them see you rest)
Read on the couch for 10 minutes in daylight, take an afternoon bath sometimes, do a short breathing exercise together. Kids copy what they see.
Use tech… strategically
Meditations, breathing stories, and calm audios can be a bridge (audio-only is beautifully regulating). Save video for later.
Be clear on screen limits
Post simple rules where everyone can see them. Expect pushback—and hold steady. The aim isn’t no-screens; it’s other ways to downshift.
Whether it’s separation wobbles, navigating illness and grief, or helping your kids find calm, the themes are the same: tell the truth simply, normalise feelings, create predictable rhythms, and bring creativity into the hard parts.
If you’d like more support on separation anxiety (including social story templates and scripts), grab my e-book “How to Support Your Child When They’re Experiencing Anxiety.” It’s practical, compassionate, and designed for real families.
You’re doing a beautiful job. One small, repeatable step is more powerful than a perfect plan you can’t sustain.
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Well, here we are with another Ask Shallot episode. This time we're three questions all about kids' mental health and I love talking about our children and their wellbeing because as parents we are only as happy as our least happy child and I think that parental wellbeing and the wellbeing of kids is so closely interconnected. We definitely want to support our kids to develop the best sense of their own personal wellbeing we can and there is so much for them to navigate these days but it's great to be able to speak into these topic areas today.
Okay, so today we're going to be covering three questions. The first is about separation anxiety and how to support your child through this. The second is about dealing with illness or death within your family or wider circle and how you work with your children through times like this to help them.
The second question is about supporting kids when someone that you love is going through illness and maybe even in the process of dying. And the third question is how do I get my kids to relax? So thank you so much to the listeners who have asked these questions today. I can't wait to get into this with you.
Okay, so the first question or what do I do when it comes to my child who is experiencing some really strong separation anxiety? So the first thing I think that is really important when it comes to any kind of anxiety with children is to get as much detective work done as we can around what it is that they are actually afraid of. Now for a long time I did therapy with children. It was amazing.
I love play therapy with kids. Unfortunately that's just not part of my practice with how things have evolved. But there is something I learned that is really important around working with kids in anxiety and that is getting to the bottom of what it is they're actually afraid of.
Now I think it is bordering on criminal that we slap strategies across issues like this without really getting into considering what it is your child is scared of. So anxiety and worry is often telling us something really important. And with kids it can be quite tricky to get to the bottom of this.
But being able to explore what is it they are worried about happening is something that is so significant when it comes to navigating separation anxiety. So you want to really get into understanding with them what are they concerned about happening? So when I've worked with other children around this we've found out that they've had some really difficult beliefs in the mix around something bad happening or what if they forget to come back for me? What if I get tricked and I'm left alone here for either? What if something bad happens after I am left here? About not being able to control how things are for the appearance and maybe something bad is going to happen to them when they are apart from me? So we really need to spend some time getting very clear on what it is that they're worried about. And even the little list of kids can usually talk to you about this to some extent or will show you in their play.
If you're wanting to have some good chats with your children about this it is amazing to be able to do this with some little figurines, action figures, Barbie dolls, animals, whatever it is that you've got around home have that conversation while you're playing something out. Hey let's look at what happens when mum leaves you at Kindy or school. Let's make a little bit of a scene here.
Who are you going to pick to be your teacher? What are you going to pick to represent you and what are you going to pick to represent mum or dad or grandma in this situation? And then you can step through what each of these characters thinking and feeling and get to the bottom of what it is that your child is worried about happening. That is so important and by far the most important thing I can say on this topic. Okay so from there what are the other things that can help if your child is experiencing separation anxiety? One is to look at the down regulation time that they have.
So are they getting plenty of time to work out those difficult feelings? Are they getting lots of playtime? How's their nutrition? How's their sleep? What is happening within their overall well-being and how settled their little nervous system is? Do they need more playtime? Do they need more outdoor time? Is it actually really helpful to pay some attention to their nutrition or bedtimes to help make this moment where they are required to separate from you for a period of time more likely to go smoothly? If they are wired and tired and their system is stressed that can be enough to upset the apple cart when it comes to saying goodbye to the significant adult. The other thing I think we need to be real in thinking about with kids is thinking about the amount of quality time they have with you. We as parents make the decision that we need to make with our children from a variety of different perspectives and factors when it comes to how much time they have apart from us.
So maybe your child does need to be in preschool or kindie four or five days a week or maybe it is your decision that they are going to a mainstream school. Parents make the decisions that they need to make for their families and I absolutely get that. But sometimes if we're real in stepping back and going how much quality time does each of our children have with us there can be a little bit of a gap in that space.
So have a think about does your child need a top up of quality time with you? Obviously within the boundaries of the realities for your family I know that all parents are always doing their best in this space. But how do you turn up the dial on some quality time with your child so that there is that sense of there being so nice connection between the two of you? Another key thing to consider here is the language that you use. Now I so often over here little bits of this and I've been guilty of this myself but it's important that we are mindful of how we talk about this issue in front of our child.
So saying things like oh they're just really clinging and it's driving me nuts is probably not that helpful for you and your child moving forward. You know maybe softening that into being able to say something like we're still working out what this looks like for little Johnny to feel comfortable at the point that we're saying goodbye. You know we're still working out our routine around this and at the moment this is a bit hard.
But being able to acknowledge the reality for sure without labeling your child or they're just clinging or they're just needy or they don't like being away from me being able to frame this is this is something that we are working on to give that with them. This is not a them problem this is a you problem together and it's something that you're on a journey around and still working out. The other thing that can be really helpful is having predictable rituals.
So being able to have a really set routine around what that drop-off time looks like. Now something I learned from a psychologist friend of mine that I found so helpful is that children when they're really young don't understand time. So saying to your child mum is going to have 10 minutes with you and then I'm going to go is something that can be really counterproductive because your child is just getting wound up and anxious about how long that 10 minutes is and has it been 10 minutes yet.
Something I found really helpful with one of my children was having a structure where we did two things together and then I left. So being able to be a lot more concrete about that not introducing this concept of time if that's not something your child currently really understands. But being able to say the routine is mum, dad, grandparent, whoever it is who drops you off does two things with you and then it's going to be our time to say goodbye.
So being real about what that routine and process looks like can be really helpful. It's also really significant to keep in mind that sometimes that process needs to be shortened. Our inclination when our child is struggling with saying goodbye to us is to spend more time but that can make them more anxious and can make the whole process really difficult.
So as parents sometimes we need to remember that we need to have those little moments of being a little bit cruel to be kind that actually having a process where we've said our goodbyes, we've said what we need to say for the day and we're just doing that transition and it's kind of short and sharp is much more helpful for your child than getting wound up, getting into a routine around what it is they do or say or how they behave and that moment of separation can be really hard to come back from. So I encourage you to think about what that looks like in terms of a shorter routine. Now that's really tough with your own well-being so some little hacks like making a chicken that the teacher's able to call you or text you or do something if they haven't settled after a period of time.
So making a little routine whether teacher or grandparent or whoever it is that is looking after them can call you they haven't settled after a particular time or may even be able to proactively flick you a message to say hey they're all okay. Sometimes remembering you need that reassurance too is really helpful but you might want to plan out what that looks like so that you're able to still do a relatively short and sharp process of saying goodbye. It's really helpful if you talk to your child exactly about what the process of saying goodbye looks like and even doing some little things in our play with our child where we talk about that process or even writing a little storyboard, drawing some little cartoon characters to talk about the process of saying goodbye, writing a social story can be really helpful.
So a social story is where we're working on something with a child and we're helping them by writing the story of what it is that is going to happen. So you might make them a little book you can do it on Canva or you can do a little kind of scrapbook kind of idea with them about the process of saying goodbye, about the things that they're scared about, about the truths around that, of writing them a little story that's personal to them and speaks to what is going on for them. Now if what I've said and my response here is making you feel completely overwhelmed and you would like some help and guidance in the space I've got an amazing resource where I've put all of my best advice around anxiety for children into one place.
It is available as an e-book. It is called How to Support Your Child When They're Experiencing Anxiety. It's been on my website for the last, I don't know, year or 18 months now with lots of downloads and it is a really easy to access resource.
It steps you through how to work out what your child's worried around. There is a whole section on separation anxiety and a whole lot of tips, advice and strategies on anxiety gene relief for kids. So I really encourage you to have a look at that if you haven't seen that already.
Okay now this next question is a really heavy one. How do we support our children when a loved one is going through an illness or potentially even facing death? Now this is one of the toughest things about human life when our little people are having to grapple with some of the hardest realities of human life and I just want to say my heart really goes out to you if you are in the middle of this. We had a situation last year where my dad was in an intensive care for a really extended period of time.
It was about six weeks and there were many times when it was really touch and go. Those who know that environment know the intensity of intensive care and I learned so much through that process in terms of how I bought my children with me on that journey and the things that we did that helped. Now I know everyone's situation is going to be different when it comes to this whether it's a short-term illness or an accident or something over a longer period of time, whether it's a family member or a family friend or neighbor or teacher.
It can be really personal whatever is going on in your situation so my advice here is going to be a little bit general and generic but hopefully there are some things that you can draw out of this for your situation. I think one of the first things we need to do with kids is really explain death and illness and what are the age appropriate way that we can. So talking about human bodies, talking about age, talking about organs within our body and how they work, whatever is going on with the person that you love who is facing an illness or perhaps even facing dying, you need to find a way of explaining whatever it is that is going on in really clear terms to your child.
So they deserve to understand what is happening. One of the jumps for children is that they can often then worry that whatever has happened to this particular loved one is going to happen to somebody else or to them. So it's important as part of that too that you talk about whether what has happened is contagious because often children assume that cancer is contagious or that that kidney failure is contagious or a heart attack is contagious.
It's really helpful to clarify the facts with children around the likelihood that them or someone else they love might experience that thing too and obviously we have to be real about the fact that our human bodies only last for so long and that sometimes people die because they're old and sometimes people die because of an illness or an accident or something else that has happened. But somewhere along the way there we often need to talk to children about probability, about things like whether something is contagious and some of the facts of whatever it is that is going on. Flowing on from that we need to make space for the questions.
So it's really helpful to tell your child they can ask questions at any point that they like and to talk to them about who they can ask their questions to. Sometimes they hold back on their questions because they think oh this is happening to Mummy as well. Mummy's really upset about this.
To be able to say to them you can actually ask dad or your granddad or your teacher if you've got questions about this too. They would be really safe people to ask. So make it clear to them who they can ask and make sure there are lots of options around that.
Sometimes saying to them you can talk to me about this anytime. If you're also affected by the grief and loss that is going on it's just not workable. Our kids will pick up that that is going to make us stressed or upset.
So sometimes they need options around that. The other thing that can be really helpful is to think about creative things that you do through this time. So involving our children and creative efforts around acknowledging what is going on can be so helpful.
So there was a night where I took one of my children to the intensive care unit and we put up a photo wall for my dad. He at that time was completely unconscious and the hope was that he would regain some consciousness that he would recover from what was going on but we didn't know where that was going to fall. So what we did to give him my son and I was we found a whole lot of different pictures that we could put up on the wall so that if he did open his eyes he would have his family members right there to have a look at.
He would see some of those healthy moments, some of those happy times and be reminded of those things to bring him some comfort. Now my child absolutely loved doing that and one of the things that we really loved about that too is that was an opportunity for our children to share with the medical staff. You know they'd come in and say wow look at what he looked like there or oh did he do that or tell us the story about that or does so and so do this.
It was an opportunity and an in conversation within the ward and something that my children loved. They could see themselves. They also knew that when we were leaving the hospital they were right there still with pop that even when they had to go back to their lives the presence was right there because they'd left their photos there and that was really helpful.
Sometimes children can feel so powerless when there is an illness or when someone has died so giving them things to do giving them some kind of creative outlet and coming up with those ideas can be such a helpful thing for them. The other thing that I think can be helpful is setting aside some special time to let the emotions out. So whether this is through a time of illness or perhaps after a person has passed away we can set aside some times that really lift the lid on the emotions.
So maybe you're walking through a journey of grief and you set some time with your children to say we're actually going to go for a walk up the hill or a walk on the beach and we're going to think about grandma or uncle Tom or whoever it is and we're going to allow ourselves this time to remember them or to think about what's happening for them and it's about making space and ring fencing that time to think about what is going on to process some of those emotions to kind of lift the lid have some conversations if you need to but it sets aside that time so there's perhaps less of a sense of those waves of grief being able to come and completely bowl them over that proactive time is so helpful in a journey through something difficult like illness or like grief. The other thing that can be so heartening through these times is to enjoy the things that that person enjoyed. I have a friend who makes uncle Murray's Pev on a regular basis with their children to remember a significant family friend who passed away who had a great Pev recipe and I love that ritual and routine it is something they've kept up that they post about that they share about and I think it is just really beautiful so think about what did that person enjoy what were they good at and how can you embrace some of those things and reflect those things in a way that honors that person and your memories with them.
It can even be hard when a person is going through illness to make sense of the fact that some of our life is going on as normal. I remember at a time when my dad was in intensive care it was my birthday and one of my children really struggled with how can we go out and have dinner when this is going on so being able to talk about how we have our health we have our things that we're going to go out and enjoy on their behalf or they can't come with us right now. Yeah this is really difficult and isn't that tough but also one of the challenges for us is to still enjoy our lives and to do the things that bring us together too.
So sometimes some of those complexities are helpful to name and simple terms for our kids. The other place that our children can have through a time where we're going through illness or grief of some kind is to have fun together. That is one of the best parts of having kids through a time when your family is facing something difficult is that they want and need to have fun and play.
So try as much as you can to embrace that with them to have quality time with them still going to the park going swimming doing things that are distracting that are moving your body that are helping work on your own well-being through a difficult time too. So I'm sending lots of love from my heart to yours if this is something your family are working through and I really hope that there are some answers and ideas and today's response that help you to guide your children through this difficult time. And the last question today is how do I help my kids relax and I loved seeing this question come through I think that this is so valid and significant for us to think about for children these days.
Gosh I sound old when I say something like that hey but the reality I think for lots of kids now is that their only relaxation option is screen time. It's becoming that default and sometimes we go as parents why do they just act like moths to a flame when it comes to screens. But if you look back actually you can kind of go I don't know what other time they have to down regular and relax to sit still to do something that is really blobby for them and I think screens have kind of taken over that space.
So for kids what are the other ideas of what they can do that is calming that is a reduction of sensory input for them that is an opportunity to have some time in space. One of the things I do with my kids is we've got a list of activities of downtime things they can do including things that they can do on their own. So when you're saying hey I'm busy right now I'm making dinner or I'm just doing this or I've got to put out the washing or whatever it is that you're saying there are things that they can do that are not necessarily overstimulating things like screens that you've got an option that you can point them to or a list of things that they can consider and think about hey what do I want to do.
Sometimes our kids just really struggle with those ideas around relaxation time. Something that can be really helpful is to set up a space that helps them relax. A little reading nook, a spot in the sun, a swing outside.
Sometimes one of my favorite things to do with my kids is to put a blanket on the tramp and they go and take their books out the air and they read lying down on the tramp with that little bit of movement. But our children often need that little bit of scaffolding to go okay I will help you into that thing that is going to be relaxing. We also need to model relaxation ourselves.
I know that the more I sit around and read a book the more my children are inclined to do that. Or even sometimes doing things with them saying hey let's go and snuggle up on your bed and listen to one of those meditations together. Being able to join them in something down regulating and relaxing can be really helpful too.
I think as well now there is some great tech that we can use. The number of times that my poor phone has played a unicorn meditation or a story about a toy robot that's actually a breathing exercise for children is kind of unreal. I'd hate to look at the view counts that have been wrecked up on my own phone for those things.
But sometimes it is helpful to explore what some of those other ideas are out there and how we can use tech. Things like yotos, meditations, breathing exercises, guided visualizations can all be things kids love. And it gives that little bit of a kind of hit in the sense that it is something to do with technology that's exciting and different for them.
But it is helpful to kind of have something that is slower that is perhaps just auditory that helps them activate that relaxation mode. I think the other reality here that is important is to be clear about our screen limits. We have a list on the side of the cupboard at home that talks about how screen time works in our family that sets the rules that sets the expectations and yes all the time my children push against it.
But it is there. This is how it works. This is what our expectations are.
We can negotiate this if we need to but these are the baselines. And I think it's important that our kids have a clear sense of where those boundaries fall if something like screen time is getting in the way of them relaxing. I am so guilty of the fact that for a really long time the only relaxation my children ever saw me doing was picking up my phone for some kind of distraction.
So now some of what I do is delete my children, see me relax. Instead of just reading my book at night after their embed I'll have some time sitting down for 10 minutes reading a little bit of my book in the sun in front of them. Instead of just having my sacred Thursday night baths after they've gone to bed I've pulled the time forward or sometimes I'll have one in the middle of the afternoon.
So thinking about how we model those things to our children and show them us relaxing can be really important too. But I've loved this question. I love that you're thinking about this and I know that a lot of other parents struggle in this space too.
So thanks so much for bringing forward this question today. Thank you too to our listener who talked about separation anxiety and the challenges they're facing with their child there. I know lots of other people will find this really helpful and also for the family that's journeying through illness and death.
I'm really grateful to have this space to explore this topic because I know a lot of other families will be able to listen to this and gain something for the family situation too.
