Ep 116: How to Stop Overthinking
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
Overthinking Is Not Helping You (Even If It Feels Like It Is)
If you struggle with overthinking, you are not broken.
You are human.
But here’s the hard truth: overthinking feels productive… and it absolutely isn’t.
Research suggests that most of our thoughts are negative — and most of them are repetitive. That means many of us are swimming in the same unhelpful mental loops every single day.
No wonder you feel exhausted.
Let’s gently unpack what’s actually happening — and what you can do instead.
What Overthinking Really Is
Overthinking isn’t reflective problem-solving.
It’s unproductive, repetitive mental looping.
It usually shows up in two ways:
Rumination – replaying the past (“Why did I say that?” “What do they think of me?”)
Worry – forecasting the future (“What if this goes wrong?” “I won’t cope if…”)
And here’s the irony: overthinking is usually driven by a desire for control.
You’re trying to stay safe.
But instead, overthinking:
Reduces memory and problem-solving ability
Raises stress hormones
Disrupts sleep
Delays decisions
Replaces action with more thinking
It gives the illusion of control while quietly taking it away.
Why Your Brain Does This
Your brain has a negativity bias. It scans for threat. It tries to protect you from discomfort — especially from what I call your unbearable feeling (the emotion you most want to avoid).
For some people, that’s rejection.
For others, failure.
For others, uncertainty.
So your brain loops.
It thinks if it can analyse enough, rehearse enough, predict enough… you won’t have to feel that feeling.
But feelings aren’t dangerous.
They’re uncomfortable — not unsafe.
And you can tolerate far more than your brain suggests.
The Cognitive Traps Behind Overthinking
Most overthinking sits on top of a few common thinking distortions:
Black-and-white thinking – it’s either perfect or a disaster
Mind reading – assuming you know what others think
Perfectionism – believing only flawless effort is acceptable
Catastrophising – jumping to the worst-case scenario
Once you can name the pattern, you can interrupt it.
Awareness creates choice.
Signs Overthinking Might Be Running the Show
You struggle to make decisions
You constantly seek reassurance (and then doubt it)
You replay conversations
You feel mentally stuck in loops
You mistake thinking for progress
Here’s the truth that changes everything:
You are bigger than your thoughts.
You cannot control every thought that appears.
But you absolutely can choose how you respond.
Practical Ways to Turn the Volume Down
If you’re ready to do something different, start here:
1. Ask: “What now?”
Move from analysis to action.
Even one small step shifts the loop.
2. Give Your Brain a Container
Write the thoughts down.
Set a 15-minute timer for worrying.
Schedule a “thinking window” later.
Contain the thinking instead of letting it leak into your whole day.
3. Get Into Your Body
Overthinking lives in your head.
Interrupt it physically:
Cold water on your wrists
A brisk walk
Legs up the wall
Seven slow, deep breaths
You are always just a few breaths away from calmer.
4. Practice Cognitive Defusion
Instead of saying:
“I’m going to fail.”
Say:
“I’m having the thought that I’m going to fail.”
That small shift creates distance.
You are not your thoughts.
5. Make “Good Enough” Decisions
Not every choice requires perfection.
Sometimes “good enough” is more than enough.
You can course-correct later. Action gives feedback. Overthinking doesn’t.
6. Replace Self-Criticism with Compassion
Overthinking often comes with harsh self-talk.
You don’t make better decisions by bullying yourself.
If you’re going to imagine worst-case scenarios, you’re also allowed to imagine best-case ones.
The Real Skill: Tolerating Uncertainty
Uncertainty is uncomfortable.
It is not dangerous.
The more you increase your capacity to sit with uncertainty, the less your brain needs to spin stories trying to eliminate it.
Sometimes the most powerful move is not thinking harder.
It’s grounding.
Connection.
Nature.
Movement.
Rest.
Overthinking is often a signal that you need grounding — not more analysis.
You Don’t Have to Live Like This
If you’re caught in loops, I want you to hear this clearly:
It makes sense.
Your brain is trying to protect you.
But there is another way.
You don’t have to live swimming in repetitive, negative thought cycles. You don’t have to wait for your mind to exhaust itself before you feel peace.
You can learn to respond differently.
And that changes everything.
If this resonates, there are more resources waiting for you — and support if you need it. You don’t have to untangle this alone.
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So welcome along to another episode of Ask Charlotte and this time I've been asked a listener question about maintaining boundaries around work and how to do this differently. So let's get into some advice for this listener that might well fit for you too.
One of the first things if you're wanting to make change in any area of your life is to stop telling yourself the story that you are bad at it. So for a lot of people they have this really big narrative around I'm just really bad at boundaries or I'm just someone who overworks or I'm a perfectionist. Whatever it is that you're telling yourself that is standing in the way of making change, you probably need to drop that story.
So if you've got a story around not disappointing other people or being someone who's addicted to work, that is not going to stand you in good stead in terms of making some change in this space of your life. So I wonder if it's time to drop the story. Now there can be a way to subtly reposition that because perhaps you do genuinely struggle with overworking or not wanting to disappoint people but you can talk about that in a slightly different way.
So I'm learning how to get comfortable with disappointing people and deferring pieces of work beyond what I might like to achieve, managing the fact that other people might not find that convenient, they might be a little bit disappointed but I'm learning that that's actually okay and that's in the best interests of my family, my well-being, my life outside of work. So adopting the I'm learning to do this differently perspective rather than this fixed identity statement of I'm a person who's like this. So that's my first tip, ditch the story you're telling yourself.
My next piece of advice and something I work with a lot of high functioning people around is how to pre-decide your boundaries around work in the tightest way that you possibly can. So perhaps that looks like determining what your finishing time is or making appointments with yourself so you actually have to leave at a particular time. It is much easier to leave work on time if you're going to play squash with that particular friend or you've got a class at the gym that starts at 6pm that you need to make or you miss entirely.
So setting those agreed finishing times and making appointments with yourself that are difficult to get out of are really important. If you've got a plan to do a solo run around the park that's great but if you're struggling with work boundaries maybe you need someone to do that run with so that you've got that little bit of extra pressure and those pre-decided routines that protect you from overworking. Now I get it that for lots of busy people who have demanding jobs there is a reality that sometimes our work flows into our personal time and we can expect that to some extent.
Also there are lots of people now who have less clear boundaries around work because they're not working in a nine-to-five or maybe they're juggling multiple businesses, competing demands. So if you do need to have some catch-up time my encouragement is to determine what that looks like. So is that that you're having two mornings a week where you're getting up early in the morning to get on top of your email inbox or if there is a need to overwork and do a little bit more on something that that's only happening on a Tuesday and a Thursday night or that Sunday afternoons are a bit of a catch-up time.
Determine when those overflow moments are and boundary those so that they are there if you need them but make sure that the default isn't that work can spill into any time that is possible. The reality here if you've had a pattern of overworking, being addicted to your work, struggling with those boundaries around work is that your systems are always going to be greater than your willpower when it comes to maintaining those boundaries. So pre-decide whatever you can.
Now years ago in a particular workplace I was asked to take minutes from a meeting. This is slightly dating me because clearly it was pre-AI but I was asked to take these minutes and what had been the standard practice was that someone would jot notes in the meeting, go away and type them up and send them around and I said I'm only going to do that task if I can bring my laptop, thrash out the minutes in live time and send them around at the end of the meeting. I do not have time capacity within my role to spend additional time getting perfect notes.
So they're going to be short and sharp and action points and if you want me to do this, this is what this is going to look like. So think about what can you do differently within your role with the tasks that you have so that you're able to manage where work pushes out and where tasks overflow within your role. The next thing I would say is expect discomfort.
If you are learning to do things differently when it comes to work boundaries it's not going to be easy. It's going to be something that feels awkward, uncomfortable, clunky, risky, worrying in some way. It's not comfortable to make change from patterns that we've had especially if they've been ingrained across our lives but you can definitely do this if you accept the fact that you don't need to wait until things feel right or ready to implement these boundaries.
You can actually move forward with that level of discomfort and awkwardness and still have the boundaries anyway. If you're struggling with work boundaries having the support of colleagues or your boss or manager is really helpful. Now sometimes when I say this to really busy people they laugh because their entire industry is based around overworking and poor work boundaries or their manager is even worse than them at overworking and maintaining boundaries.
Now I get it that in some industries that is a very real problem and we might laugh that off in a session but also my challenge to people is what is it that you want in terms of what this industry looks like? What change do you want to advocate for? How do you want to be within this and what is the reality of what is sustainable for you here? Because I also think that your boss is not going to like it if you turn around and have to resign at the end of the year because you're so burnt out you can never work in this career again. We need to find ways to show up as a person who does things differently with the boundaries that we need to have to be sustainable in our role and our profession. So if you've got an industry where there is lots of overwork that happens just remember that you either get to be part of the change and part of reshaping that for yourself and future generations in your profession or you stay complicit with what is going on and you ride that wave and tolerate what people before you have.
These might be accepted ways of being within your profession, your particular business or company but that doesn't mean you have to buy into that and the realities of our employment laws are that they are there to protect you against these very issues. Your workplace is responsible for your well-being and if you're self-employed that counts for you too. Another really helpful thing is to have your pushbacks pre-prepared.
So if you're really busy and someone comes and asks you to do something additional, having a couple of quick lines that are pre-prepared is really helpful in terms of pushing back to those additional expectations. I remember saying to a manager I am really happy to do that, I just need to sit down with you and work out what happens with x and y if you're wanting me to do z right now. So being able to talk about how am I going to renegotiate this is really important.
So having those pushbacks or saying look I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to get that completed until next week, thanks for your understanding. Having the lines that you can trot out when you need them, the pushbacks that hold the boundaries are really important. I think about pushbacks as being like electrifying the fence.
The fence is the boundary, the line or the limit but the pushback is the zip that lets people know they're at that line and pushbacks are best done when they're pre-prepared so they flow when you need them. The other thing that's worth remembering is whose problem is this? Now I'm really sorry that this does not work if you are self-employed but it certainly works if you're in a business that somebody else owns and especially if you've got some kind of line manager that you report to. Now the resourcing of particular roles is something that is a management responsibility.
I was working with someone recently who was in an environment where they were being pushed beyond belief when it came to what was expected of them in their role. They had demanding clients and demanding bosses but the reality is that what was being asked of them wasn't actually possible for one person and that challenge of resourcing the client task was actually the workplace's problem, their manager's problem and not their problem. One of the things that can be really tricky is if you are a problem solver kind of person you can think that the answer is just in you working harder.
Well actually sometimes it's not even your problem and it's impossible to work that hard and keep up with the demands. So if resourcing is an issue, if things need to be renegotiated in some particular way just consider whose problem is this. Now I'm going to go somewhere a little bit uncomfortable.
If you are someone who is overworking and who is struggling with work boundaries and maintaining those boundaries between your employment and your life outside of that or your calling and your own business and what is going on in your family and relationship then sometimes it can be really important to take a very honest look at how much you like your personal life. If your relationship is not feeling satisfying, if you're not feeling connected, if it's not something that's life-giving for you or if you're struggling with the tasks of parenting and you're feeling really down in the dumps about managing life with your kids or you're struggling to wind down and actually enjoy time with them then maybe those things need some attention because what we're really wanting is to be able to live in a way that is inviting, that we have got more exciting things to look forward to than our work and I get it that work can be really satisfying and can give us a sense of achievement but if we're really addicted to that and the rest of our life is suffering it's probably a good opportunity to look at your life. How can I improve my life satisfaction so that my personal life is calling to me in a way that is really inviting, that I enjoy time with my family, with my children, with my friends and actually holding the balance around work is easier because of what it is that I've got to look forward to.
Now I know that that is an uncomfortable question to ask but so often where people are overworking we need to do some work on what their personal life looks like and how inviting and enjoyable that is. Remember your work won't keep you warm at night and the chances are the people that you're working with at the moment are not even going to come to your funeral at the end of the day. So think about those people who matter most to you and if the reality here is that holding work boundaries is just feeling ultra difficult I would encourage you to listen to my podcast episode about workaholism and workaholism being a trauma response.
So many people have shared with me that this really helped the lights go on for them and helped them understand why they were in this cycle of overworking in the first place. It is so common that working too hard relates to some kind of trauma and I don't necessarily mean capital T big trauma but it can be the little traumas within our lives, the things that have been difficult, the ways that our needs haven't been seen or met or we've been overlooked, the ways that we've learned to get attention and praise and acceptance. So take a good honest look at your life if your work boundaries are something that keeps coming back as an issue.
I know plenty of recovered workaholics. This is a journey that other people have walked before you and is entirely possible. Don't forget to reach out for support if you need help on this.
