Ep 98: What I've Learnt Parenting Neurodiverse Kids
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
As many of you know, I’m now running fortnightly Ask Charlotte episodes alongside the Feel Better podcast — and lately, the question boxes have been bursting with your experiences and questions about neurodiversity: your children, your partners, and often yourselves.
Today, I’m stepping back from the quick-fire Q&A to share the bigger picture: what I’ve learned as a parent in a very neurodiverse household, how I think about neurodivergence, what’s helped (and what hasn’t), and how to care for you while you care for your family.
A quick note on privacy: I’m open about my life, but I keep my kids’ details private. What I can say is this — we’re five very different brains under one roof, and there are multiple layers at play. If you’re in this too, I see you.
Getting Our Language Straight: Neurodiverse vs Neurodivergent
We’re all neurodiverse — our brains work in different ways. Some people are neurodivergent, meaning their brains don’t fit neurotypical norms (e.g., ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourette’s, etc.). You’ll hear the words used interchangeably, but it’s useful to distinguish them. Estimates suggest up to 1 in 5 people are neurodivergent — this isn’t niche; it’s many of us.
Part 1: How You See It (Your Mindset Matters)
It’s easy to relate to your child’s neurodivergence as a crisis or a deficit. But how you see this shapes your mental health and your parenting.
Neurodivergence isn’t just a challenge — it’s a contribution
Our world needs people who:
think laterally and creatively
hold fast to right and wrong
tell the truth plainly
focus intensely and solve problems differently
Yes, many systems (school, healthcare, workplaces) aren’t built with neurodivergent needs in mind — and that is hard. But your child’s brain can be a gift to their community and the wider world.
Let the changes change you (for good)
Many of us find our lives shrinking — fewer social plans, more downtime, calendars de-cluttered. That can feel like loss. It can also be good:
deeper, more understanding friendships
a lifestyle that’s simpler, slower, more focused
energy that goes where it actually matters
Own the changes and notice what’s better because of them.
Part 2: How This Is For You (The Parent Experience)
Name the grief (and give it space)
You’ll see other families doing things yours can’t right now. Basics can take all your energy. Relationships may change, even within your own family. This carries real grief. Journalling, therapy, and honest conversations with your partner help you process it. Grief doesn’t mean you’d change your child; it means this is hard.
Parenting may reveal your neurodivergence
The intensity, the sensory load, the loss of coping strategies — it exposes and amplifies our own patterns. Many adults (often 35–50) discover their neurodivergence as they parent. This insight can be liberating and practical.
Your “unbearable feeling” will get pushed
If you’ve listened to my Unbearable Feelings episode, you’ll know we each have a feeling we struggle to tolerate (e.g., failure, rejection, being misunderstood). Parenting a neurodivergent child will press on it. Doing your own work here is non-negotiable — it’s where your resilience lives.
Micro self-care beats “one big spa day”
You can’t hold your breath between occasional self-care mornings. Build multiple tiny resets into every day: a hot drink in silence, three deep breaths in the car, a 10-minute walk, music in your ears while you fold laundry. Little and often is how you stay steady.
Part 3: Parenting What’s In Front of You (Tactics That Help)
1) Make peace with meltdowns — then smooth the curve
Your goals:
Fewer meltdowns
Shorter duration
Less intense impact
Do a curious audit:
Triggers (e.g., hunger — keep snacks flowing; transitions; noise)
Contributing factors (school stress, social worries, fatigue)
Release valves (regular check-ins: “Anything you need to tell me about school/playtime?”)
Expect meltdowns. Reduce the fuel.
2) Remember: all behaviour is communication
When behaviour is loud/messy, ask: What is my child trying to tell me? The “current drama” is often not the real issue. Assume effort and look underneath.
3) Divide and conquer (without guilt)
When one child escalates, one adult manages the storm; the other protects siblings and the household. We also mix up pairings (one-on-one time; grandparent support). It’s calmer, kinder and often essential.
4) Advocate without apology
You will ask teachers, coaches and schools for adjustments. Do it kindly — and confidently. Many supports that help neurodivergent children help everyone. You’re not being difficult; you’re making access possible.
5) Redefine “thriving” for your family
Unfollow triggering accounts if you need to. Stop measuring your family against other people’s highlight reels. Ask: What does thriving look like for us? (Maybe: socks on without tears. A calm school run. One good bedtime a week. These are wins.)
6) Adjust your lifestyle (on purpose)
Fewer trips, more online work, tighter routines — choose what actually works for your household. Simplification is a kindness to everyone.
7) Prioritise your relationship
It’s tempting to let your partnership “wait”. Don’t. Connection is stability for kids — and fuel for you. Build repeatable rhythms: two phone-free evenings a week, a regular sitter/grandparent afternoon, walk-and-talks, an early dinner out before bedtime.
Key Takeaways
Mindset: Your child’s neurodivergence is a gift — and some enforced changes may be gifts to you, too.
You: Grief is normal; process it. Expect your own patterns to be challenged and care for yourself in micro ways.
Parenting: Learn your child’s triggers, assume behaviour is communication, advocate early and often, pursue what thriving looks like for your family, and protect your partnership.
This is the first of three neurodiversity-focused episodes. Next up:
Ask Charlotte — Neurodiversity & Relationships
Ask Charlotte — Your Questions on Parenting Neurodivergent Children
I’m also developing new supports for parents in this space — watch this space.
If you’re here in the thick of it, I care deeply about your wellbeing. May you look back and say: It was tough — and it was a gift. We gained more than we lost.
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So as you know, one of the things I'm doing with the podcast now is having the fortnightly Ask Charlotte episodes where you get to ask me some questions, a lot of them come through anonymously and then I spend some time on that fortnightly episode answering three of the questions that have come through.
Often you ask relatively similar things so I can group people's questions together in some way. The question boxes have been exploding lately with questions about parenting neurodivergent children or your own experiences of neurodiversity. So there are a couple of episodes of Ask Charlotte that are going to dive into these questions and topics.
But what I wanted to do with today's Feel Better podcast episode was share a little of my experience as a parent within a very neurodiverse household with lots of different needs and things going on and step back and have that kind of bigger picture look at what is it that I have learned, what has worked along the way, what's my own relationship with this being and hopefully give you some encouragement and solidarity, maybe some things to try along the way. I have got a little bit of a caveat here and you'll know if you've been listening to the podcast for a while that I am quite open with sharing some relatively personal stuff on this podcast. I even know that my kids' friends' mums listen to this podcast and sometimes get in their car and ask, why is Charlotte talking in the car today mummy? So it's just important that I maintain a little bit of privacy around their scenario.
But what I will say is that our family has a strong lived experience of neurodiversity. We are five very different people. There are multiple layers of things that are going on and it's not just one person.
There's stuff going on for a few people within our household. So I know that this is something that I have a whole lot of empathy for other people's experience around and hopefully some helpful things that I can share. Now I wanted to share for a little moment about some terminology because I think that something that is going to change over time that we're kind of on the cusp of is really distinguishing our language around neurodiversity and neurodivergence or neurodivergent people.
So we all have neurodiversity. Our society is filled with people whose brains all work in different ways. We're all unique.
We have different combinations of stuff going on. We are neurodiverse. But at the moment that word is used to talk about particular people who are actually what we technically should say are neurodivergent.
So people who don't fit the neurotypical norms within our society. They are the ones who are a bit different. Now there's research that suggests that up to one in five people is neurodivergent.
So we are talking here about a whole lot of people within our society but you will hear those words used somewhat interchangeably and I'm trying to catch up on my language to talking about we're all neurodiverse and there are some people who are neurodivergent versus neurotypical. I hope that makes a little bit of sense. Okay so I've broken down my points today into three different sections.
I'm going to talk firstly about how you see this. How you see this challenge of having neurodivergent children within your household. Then I'm going to talk about how this is for you.
So some of the challenges around grief, around your relationship with life not looking the way that you perhaps expected it might and the challenges that this is bringing into your life. Then I'm going to talk a whole lot about parenting and some of the things I've learned along the way. Parenting around neurodivergence within our household.
Some of the tips and tricks, the fails, the things that are going well and hopefully there is something in that mixed bag of a response that you can pick up and use for yourself. Now I have intentionally put first this topic of how you see your child's neurodivergence as the first thing that I want to talk about today because I think it is so important and I think if you're a parent who has got neurodivergent children there is a lot that you can find out there that is about helping them manage tasks and executive function challenges and how to manage meltdowns. The market is saturated with a whole lot of tools, resources, things to help families from that perspective.
But I do not think that that is the most important thing when it comes to your mental health as a parent relating to this reality that you have neurodivergent children or a neurodivergent child. It is common to go, oh my goodness, this is just devastating. This is something that is going to be really problematic in their lives.
What have we done wrong? This is a bad thing. And I think something that is so helpful to change your position around is your view of the neurodivergence. A lot of people ask me, why are there more neurodivergent people around these days? What is going on in terms of brains and mental health and genetics that is creating this as if this is a really big issue? Now, I get it that when we look at our school system, when we look at our health system, we can look on and go, oh my goodness, this is a big issue.
This needs way more of a response. And some of the things that are ultimately really challenging about neurodivergent people's experience of the world and how they relate to the world totally needs more support. This is an issue on the one hand, but on the other hand, this is a really good thing.
I don't know about you, but I think our world needs some creative thinkers. I think it needs more people who are really committed to justice, who are super black and white about right and wrong. I think it needs people who can problem solve differently, who can be honest about who they are, who can be honest about their emotions and express themselves with sometimes a disregard for other people's opinions.
I actually think they are some really, really good qualities. So really doing some work around how you see this neurodivergence as something that can really help you through the day to day challenges. Now, I'm not wanting to be Pollyanna about this.
I'm not saying let's slap some positive thinking over what is a really difficult day to day reality for many families. But what I am saying is how you see this really matters. Your children's neurodivergence is a gift to the world.
The world needs more people who can think and feel and respond the way that they do. We've got some massive problems as a world. We've got disease that needs to be solved.
We've got advances that need to be made for the future of humanity. And these young people who can think differently, who can be themselves in a way that is super unapologetic, is something ultimately that is a gift that our world needs. I fully get it that sometimes you can be like, oh, my goodness, I actually have to get you safely to adulthood for you to be able to contribute some of those things.
And there are a bunch of things we need to work out somehow along the way to get you to that place where you can contribute and relate well to other people. But it is fundamental that we go on our own journey around understanding what is neurodivergence as a phenomenon and why might there be more people like this in the world right now. The other thing I think is important when it comes to how we see our children's neurodivergence is that we need to think about how this might actually be a good thing for us.
There were times when I really battled the reality that my social circle was shrinking around the needs of a neurodivergent child. There were things that were really, really hard about recognising that my lifestyle needed to change. I needed to do less.
My circle was shrinking. I needed to focus more. I needed more downtime.
I couldn't stack my calendar. I couldn't stack our family's calendar. Do you know what? Actually, some really good things about that.
So some of the things that might feel like a hindrance about having a neurodivergent child can actually be a real gift to your life. So pause and think about those things that their neurodivergence is forcing you into and whether those forced things actually are all that bad and whether they might be really good for you as well. Maybe my social circle isn't as wide as it used to be, but it is deep.
It is filled with understanding. It is something that I really treasure and value. And I've got people around me who see my children, who appreciate and understand the things that are different about them.
And I love that so much. No, it isn't easy, but yes, it is worth it. And there are some beautiful things that we can celebrate about their difference and what it is like when we do find that understanding.
If there are things that you're having to change about how you live your life as a parent of neurodivergent children, they're not all that bad. Those changes might actually be good for you. So get ownership of the changes.
Recognize the things that are good about this. Don't let it stay in this reality that it just feels all forced and bad. Think about what is good about these changes that having a neurodivergent child is demanding of you and your life.
Now I want to talk about how this is for you. How it is for you to parent neurodivergent children. The reality that actually this is something that comes with a whole lot of grief.
You will often look at other people's lives and think, my children can't do that. Gosh, the basics are taking so much energy from our family. And the comparison game can lead to so much grief.
You know, the kid's book going on a bear hunt, can't go under it, can't go around it, must go through it. I think this is something that is par for the course in our relationship as a parent with this reality of the neurodivergence within our household. There are things that are a battle.
There are things that take energy time and time again. And that is very hard. There are relationships around you that will change.
Even perhaps there are people in your family who won't get it. And your relationship with them is going to change along the way. There is so much grief around all of that.
And I don't think it is something that we talk about enough. But if you're a parent who is listening to this feeling like you are in the trenches of responding to the basic needs of your children and trying to get your family through each day and surviving, that is something that comes with grief. Your life might not look the way that you wanted it to look.
You might not feel like the kind of parent that you thought you'd be. There might be more shouting. There might be more times that you're struggling than you could ever have possibly imagined.
It might feel like a marathon. And that is something that we have our own emotional responses around that needs space, that needs support, that needs a listening ear, that needs our own processing. So I encourage you to grab a journal, find a friend, find a therapist, process that grief and include the processing of that grief within your relationship.
Talk about that together if you're parenting with someone else. Because the grief that is associated with this is very real. It doesn't mean that you don't love your child or your children.
It doesn't mean that you wouldn't choose them all over again if they were in a lineup of kids. It doesn't mean that you don't want to see this through for them. It just means that you're tired and exhausted and it is hard.
I get that. Allow yourself to feel those feelings. The other thing that happens in parenting neurodivergent children is that it can confront things within ourselves.
Someone I was talking with the other day was talking about the quirks they see in their own child and the way that has challenged them in seeing their childhood and seeing the way people related to them and in spurring on their own process around diagnosis. I remember sitting with a psychologist for one of my children when they were talking about, well, the likelihood that this comes from one or other or both of you is really significantly quite high. So let's talk about you and your own family history.
It got me to see a whole lot of things really differently and set me about my own journey. Parenting in itself is something that is really confronting. We lose our coping mechanisms.
There is more of a sensory overload and there is an overwhelm that comes with keeping other human beings alive. Now, all of that in itself can make our own mental health more fragile, that can put pressure on us, that in fact exposes our own neurodivergence or some challenges we have and how we experience the world. I think that's one of the reasons why we're seeing the rise of people being exposed as neurodivergent themselves in an age bracket between, say, 35 to 50, because their experience of parenting has pulled a whole lot of the stuff forward.
The other thing that parenting neurodivergent children will confront is your unbearable feeling. Now, if you're not familiar with this concept, skip back a number of episodes and you'll find my episode on unbearable feelings. It's the most popular episode of the Feel Better podcast by a country mile.
And it is because this concept is so powerful. We all have a feeling that we cannot tolerate, that we do not like, that we structure our lives to avoid, that is really painful for us to feel. It might be feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, feeling left out, feeling misunderstood.
Whatever it is, parenting neurodivergent children is going to push your unbearable feeling. It is going to bring that to the surface, it is going to set the buttons going on that unbearable feeling, and you're probably going to have to do some work around that. That is the point where you start to struggle.
That is the point where your mental health starts to crumble, where your unbearable feeling is being pushed. So I really encourage you to go on your own journey of healing and making peace with that feeling that is probably going to be more a part of your life than you ever wanted it to be. The other thing I think becomes really important if you're parenting neurodivergent children is that your own attention to your well-being becomes so significant.
You have to understand how to do micro self-care, the stress, the consistency of challenges, the fact that your children aren't necessarily learning things first time or listening to something first time, that it takes sometimes constant reminders, support with executive functioning, resolving social issues in a way that just goes on and on, means you are under stress and pressure, and you have to get really good at looking after yourself. You also can't hold your breath as a parent of a neurodivergent child between the times when you're looking after yourself. You have to find little things you can do throughout each day to care well for yourself because you can't wait and have a self-care morning one morning a week.
You need multiple self-care opportunities throughout your day to keep yourself on something of an even keel, given that you're dealing with more stress. Okay, so let's talk about parenting and some of the things I've learned in my household with our neurodivergent children. Now this might be quite a hard one to get your head around, but I think that when you make peace with the reality there will be meltdowns, things become easier.
Now your goal is to make the meltdowns smoother, to have less of them, for them to be easier to get out of, for them to be less destructive and less extreme to some extent. But I think parents of neurodivergent children need to make peace with the reality that meltdowns, emotion dysregulation is going to be par for the course. The more attention you can put into understanding your child's meltdowns, the better.
What are the things that trigger this? What are the things that tip them into those meltdowns? Then what are the contributing factors? What are the things that are behind that moment where the trigger is occurring? And how do you plan to manage those things? One thing that's really important for one of my kids is check-ins. Is there anything that you want to talk to me about? Tell me how school is going at the moment. Let's talk about what's happening at playtime.
Making those opportunities to really check in and be forthcoming with asking what is happening and how things are is really helpful in releasing the pressure that otherwise builds up and becomes a meltdown. A more immediate trigger is being hungry. So I've got to keep up the snacks because in the experience of our family, hangriness is less tolerable for neurodivergent people.
So you've got to put some attention into understanding the meltdowns, knowing the triggers, the contributing factors and working out a plan to try and smooth the curve of those things happening. So the meltdowns are less extreme, hopefully happening less often, but making peace with the fact that they are going to be part of your life. The other thing that's been really important for me as a parent is understanding that all behavior is communication.
So when some behavior is happening that I don't necessarily like, that might be disruptive or really difficult, what is it that my child is trying to communicate to me becomes one of the very first things that I launch myself into thinking about. What is this actually about? Because the presenting issue, the current drama, whatever it is that is going on is often not really the thing that is actually the problem. So recognizing that they're doing their best, they're trying to communicate with you, the way they're behaving is their manner of communication with you and getting inquisitive about what is this behavior communicating is something I have found incredibly helpful.
Something practically that is really important in our family is when there is something going on for one of our children, we have to divide and conquer when it comes to managing that. One parent goes to manage whatever meltdown or situation is going on and the other parent manages the other kids. This is all part of trying to reduce the impact, trying to help smooth what is happening when it comes to meltdowns so that this isn't something everyone is sitting in all the time.
Now that actually for me came with a whole lot of guilt. I really wanted to be able to get in the car with my whole family and go somewhere and for that to be peaceful and a nice experience. But actually a lot more of our life is built around divide and conquer.
This child goes and does something with this parent and these children go and do something with this other parent or one is with a grandparent and one is with us and one is with somebody else. Like there is a lot more mixing up the dynamics and that is something that works really well for our family. My kids will even come and say from time to time I think we need a bit more time apart because they can tell that it is helpful for them to have time when they have some space from one another and the ways that they push each other's buttons.
Another thing I've learned as a parent of neurodivergent children is the importance of advocating for your child without guilt. I used to feel really bad when I needed to go and talk to a teacher and ask for some kind of concession or change for my child or address an issue. I used to just feel terrible like I was asking too much of them or here I am again and I was just here yesterday talking about something that was difficult.
We have to get through those feelings of worrying that we're the squeaky wheel, that we're annoying someone, that we're asking something of a professional again. And certainly be nice in your communication, be understanding and kind. But you're also right to be advocating for your child.
You're there to voice their needs, their experiences and to advocate for the kinds of changes that they need made. It is a reality of neurodivergence that the world isn't built for these kinds of children. That our systems, our structures, the way our society work isn't necessarily what they need and it is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
That means we have to advocate for the needs of our children. That means we have to accept that it's not always going to be set up in a way that works for them. The flip side is that often the things that support neurodivergent children are actually good for a range of different kids.
So don't be backwards and coming forwards with asking for what your child needs. It is an incredibly important function for parents of neurodivergent children and the quicker you can make peace with that, the better. The next thing that's been really important for me is letting go of expectations.
A question that I love is what does it look like for my family and my children to thrive? Because it actually doesn't look anything like other families. I sometimes find myself feeling really triggered looking at other people's posts online about the things their children are doing and achieving and I just feel absolutely gutted. Here we are back here trying to get the freaking socks on and it feels like such a struggle.
One of the things we have to start to see is what it looks like for our family and our children to thrive because it's not necessarily going to look like the social norms. There are things that are absolutely easier in other families. I hate to say it.
That's probably going to be an unpopular opinion to say that people parenting neurodivergent children have it harder. But that is actually what I think. And that means that your attention is going to some basic things and perhaps the kind of flourishing or achievements you're seeing in other families are not a reality for your family.
I feel you. I hear you. I see you.
That is our reality too. And the quicker you can get yourself into that space of recognising this is our own journey and our family is going to look different. The experience of our children is going to look different.
It is so incredibly helpful for your own well-being as a parent to pursue thriving for your family, for your children and not compare to what it looks like for everybody else. I've had to unfollow some people. I have had to turn my eye away from some people who I find kind of triggering when it comes to looking at what is going on in their family.
Our life isn't picture perfect. It's really messy. The battles about the socks happen every morning.
I get it. And if that is you, you have so much empathy for me, for your situation. And what I want for you is for you to be able to embrace what thriving looks like for your family, not anybody else's.
Another thing I found really tough about the realities of parenting my kids was that I had to accept some of the things practically that needed to change about my life. I used to travel a lot for work, but when I went away, it was something that really caused all of the apples to fall out of the cart. So I'm much more strategic about what that looks like.
It is one of the reasons I work with my clients primarily online because I have simplified what my lifestyle looks like so it suits the life and the needs of our family. We're really lucky that we have grandparents that support our kids and have lots to do with our kids, but they need me around a lot of the time. And that has meant that some of the things that might be possible for other families, for other working parents, don't work so well in our family.
And I've had to adapt my life around those needs. So seeing from a parenting perspective what might need to change around the lifestyle for your family, the number of things that you've got on your plate, all of that has a bearing on how your children are doing. And ultimately, it will make your parenting easier if you address some of those other things about your lifestyle, your work, your other commitments.
The other thing that I think is really common for parents of neurodivergent children is that your relationship can take such a backseat. You can end up thinking, my spouse, they can wait. They're not the urgent need right now.
All of this other chaos is demanding my attention, taking so much of my energy and my relationship. It's just going to have to wait. They're going to be OK.
They're an adult. They can wait. This can wait.
And I'm telling you, it actually can't wait. It catches up on you if you don't give it attention. So find the ways that work for you and your relationship to be intentional, to have time together, to do relaxation together, to have that time to unwind, to do quality time together and to connect well with one another.
But that is something I think is so common for parents of neurodivergent children, that your relationship can take such a backseat and it needs to be a priority. Ultimately, if you step back and think about it, investing in your relationship is an investment for your children. It is something that leads to stability.
The more you're on the same team and on the same side together, the better it is for your children. So do your best when it comes to keeping that focus on how you are together as a couple. Well, I hope that was interesting, a little bit of an insight into my own world and to our journey as a family around neurodivergence.
But my key takeaways from today, I remember your relationship with this neurodivergence. Your children are a gift to the world and maybe some of the things that this demands about changes to your own life and your lifestyle might even be good things for you. Recognize the grief for you, the way this confronts you around yourself, your parenting, the way that the demands of parenting are impacting your life.
And when it comes to parenting neurodiverse kids, make peace with the meltdowns, let go of the comparisons and pursue thriving for your family. I hope that what you can hear is a heart behind this episode that wants to connect with you where you are at right now. I really care.
I really care about the well-being of parents who are doing the beautiful job of parenting neurodivergent children who are bringing the best of themselves into this world. We've got to take good care of ourselves and each other in this journey. And I hope that at the end of the parenting day, you can look back and go, that ended up being a gift to me.
Gosh, that was hard. There were things that were challenging and super tough about that, but I gained more than I lost. There were things about this that were really good, that were a gift to us, that made our experience of the hard things all worthwhile.
This is going to be one of three episodes looking at neurodiversity. There are a couple of Ask Charlotte episodes, one about neurodiversity and relationships, another about your questions on parenting neurodivergent children. I'd love you to tune into those episodes.
I'm going to do a whole lot more work in this space. So look out for some of the cool new stuff that's going to be coming in terms of offerings for neurodivergent parents. But for now, thanks for joining me.
