Ep 121: Your Hyper-Independence Is Costing You

By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast

When Being Independent Stops Feeling Like Strength

One of the things I’ve been noticing lately, both in my work and in my own life, is how easy it is to hide behind capability.

Not in an obvious way. In a way that looks completely functional from the outside.

You’re the one who gets things done. You’re reliable. You don’t drop the ball. People trust you because you follow through. And in many ways, that becomes part of your identity — being someone who can handle things.

But every now and then, I find myself pausing and asking a slightly uncomfortable question: is this actually working for me, or is it just something I’ve got very good at doing?

This episode came from that exact place. It’s not me sitting here as someone who has mastered this. It’s me noticing a pattern — in myself, in clients, in conversations with friends — and wanting to unpack it a bit more honestly.

Because there is a version of independence that feels healthy and grounded, and then there is a version that goes a step too far. The kind where it’s not really about preference anymore, it’s just automatic.

I notice it in really small moments. That split second where someone could help, but I’ve already stepped in. That reflex of thinking it will be quicker, easier, or just better if I do it myself. And if I’m being honest, there isn’t much space in those moments for anyone else to actually show up, even if they wanted to.

For a long time, I would have described that as just part of who I am. I like things done properly. I’m efficient. I don’t like relying on people. All of those explanations sound reasonable on the surface, and they’re often reinforced by the fact that this way of operating does “work” in a lot of areas of life.

But when you sit with it a little longer, it starts to feel less like personality and more like something that has been learned.

And that’s where the conversation gets more interesting.

Because when you look at hyper-independence through that lens, it stops being about being capable and starts being about what that capability is protecting you from. It becomes less about strength and more about strategy.

For a lot of people, that strategy forms early. Sometimes it’s very obvious — having to take on responsibility too soon, not having consistent support, growing up in environments where you couldn’t fully rely on the adults around you. Other times it’s much quieter. It can be a series of small experiences where you learn, gradually, that it’s safer to depend on yourself.

You learn that needing people can lead to disappointment, or that it’s easier not to ask in the first place. You learn to anticipate what needs to be done and just do it. And over time, that becomes your default way of moving through the world.

The tricky part is that this way of being is often rewarded. You become someone others rely on. You’re seen as competent, capable, even impressive. You might do well in your career because of it. You might be the person holding everything together at home.

So there’s no obvious reason to question it.

Until there is.

What I often see is that this doesn’t fall apart dramatically. It doesn’t usually come crashing down in one big moment. Instead, it builds quietly in the background until there’s a sense of something not quite feeling right.

It might show up as exhaustion that doesn’t seem to lift, no matter how organised you are. It might be a sense of resentment that’s hard to explain, because technically no one is asking you to do everything — you’re just doing it. It might be a feeling of disconnection, even in relationships that look solid on the surface.

And when you really look at it, one of the biggest costs is connection.

Because when you’re always the one holding everything, there’s very little room for other people to step in. Not just practically, but emotionally as well. It becomes harder for people to support you, because you’re not used to letting them. And over time, that creates a kind of distance that can be hard to name.

I think this is often the point where people start to reflect more honestly. Not in a self-critical way, but in a curious way. They start asking themselves whether this way of living is actually giving them the life they want, or just the life they know how to maintain.

And that’s where things can begin to shift.

Not all at once, and not in a dramatic, “I’m going to change everything” kind of way. More in small, slightly uncomfortable moments.

Letting someone help, even when it would be easier not to.
Saying yes when someone offers support, instead of brushing it off.
Pausing long enough to notice the story running through your head when you default to doing it all yourself.

Those moments can feel surprisingly vulnerable. Not because anything terrible is happening, but because you’re stepping outside a pattern that has made you feel safe for a long time.

I had a moment like that once when I was out with my kids and needed help for something very small. Asking a stranger felt awkward, and my instinct was to apologise for even needing to ask. But the response I got completely shifted something for me. She didn’t feel inconvenienced. She felt grateful to be asked. It genuinely made her day.

It made me realise that by not asking for help, I wasn’t just protecting myself from discomfort. I was also blocking other people from experiencing the satisfaction of showing up.

That’s something I don’t think we talk about enough.

We tend to frame asking for help as something we reluctantly do when we have to. But there is another side to it, which is that people often want to contribute. They want to feel useful. They want to connect in meaningful ways. And when we don’t let them, we quietly limit that connection.

None of this is about swinging to the other extreme. The goal isn’t to become dependent on others or to stop being capable. It’s about finding a middle ground where you can still be competent and self-sufficient, but not at the expense of connection, rest, or ease.

Because that’s really what’s at stake here.

When you’re constantly in control, constantly managing, constantly holding things together, there isn’t much space left for rest. And not just physical rest, but the kind where you can actually switch off. The kind where you’re not mentally tracking everything that still needs to be done.

And beyond that, there’s the question of how you measure your worth.

For many people who are highly independent, there’s a quiet link between what they do and how they see themselves. Being capable becomes part of feeling enough. So the idea of letting go, even slightly, can feel like a risk to that identity.

But at some point, it’s worth asking whether that equation is actually fair.

Whether your value really needs to be proven through how much you carry, how much you manage, how much you achieve.

Or whether there’s another way of being that allows you to still show up fully in your life, but with more space, more support, and more connection.

That’s not something that shifts overnight. It’s something you practice.

And usually, it starts with noticing.

Noticing where you step in too quickly.
Noticing where you say no out of habit.
Noticing what you’re telling yourself about why you have to do it all.

From there, it’s just about choosing one small moment to do something differently.

Not perfectly. Just differently.

Because there is another way of living alongside all of this capability you’ve built. And on the other side of it, there’s often something people didn’t realise they were missing — a sense of being supported, connected, and not entirely responsible for everything all of the time.

And that, for a lot of people, is where things start to feel a little lighter ag

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• Transcription

  So one of the coolest things about having this podcast is that I get to step back and think about what are the topics that I want to cover? What are the things that I'm hearing from my clients? What are the things I hear about from my friends? What is it that I'm struggling with in my own life that I can bring forward as a topic for a podcast? Now, if you have been hanging out on the Feel Better podcast for a while, you will know that I'm not a therapist who sits on a swirly chair and thinks I have got my life all together and I'm an expert who's here to tell you how to do it all. I am in the same real world that you are with many of the same struggles and problems and I can bring my therapist lens to helping all of us work out some of these issues together. So here we go.

  This week's episode is about hyper-independence. Hands up to all the independent women who know that their independence goes a little step too far. Now, I sent my husband a meme last year and he said it was one of the funniest and most accurate things I had ever sent him about myself.

  It was a meme about how a husband has 0.0007 seconds in order to respond to something before the hyper-independent wife takes over. And the reality is that the time frame that some of the people around me have to help to step up to do something is so quick. It is a split second and if they don't act immediately, then I'm in there doing it anyway.

  I know that this is something I have been guilty of across my life and it is a topic I see all around me and that I've worked with a number of clients through as well. I think it's one of those things that we sometimes just need some really good reminders around and something that we need to keep in check. Often because our hyper-independence has actually come from trauma.

  So today I want to explore hyper-independence but particularly from this trauma lens. Thinking about the things that have happened in our lives that make us people who err towards being more independent than we need to be. Really the point of this episode is to get you reflecting about this within your own life if it's an issue you're struggling with.

  So let's do a little bit of definition to start with about what hyper-independence is. It's struggling to ask for help. It's thinking, oh it's just easier if I do it anyway.

  It's thinking that whenever somebody else does something it's not good enough and we could have done a better job. Now for a lot of people they characterize their level of independence as if it is part of their personality. So they think, I'm just really type A. I'm just this kind of person.

  I'm just a control freak. You hear a lot of story from individuals who are far too independent about this just being a personality trait. And what I want to suggest just gently today is that actually so often our life has shaped us into being people who are too independent.

  Now we can think too about the point that we're at in human history and the fact that our lives have increasingly in the Western world become isolated from one another or had some kind of faux, not entirely real sense of connection with each other. We're actually, we're kind of out there on our own in our lives. We have these little things like social media that make us feel connected to other people but we don't have genuine connection, support, help, encouragement, that kind of village way of being as easily as generations before us have had.

  So I wonder whether the level of independence that you show in your life is just part of your personality or maybe could it be that life has shaped you in this way that you've learnt to be like this and that perhaps there is an element of trauma that's contributed to how things are. Now I want to cover off with you as well my view on trauma. So we can talk about trauma as in the really big catastrophic events and the things that happen in our lives that profoundly shape us, major events and things that we will never ever forget.

  They can be incidents, moment in time, kind of traumas. And also trauma can be what we colloquially refer to as like little tea trauma, the things that add up over time, those cumulative things that actually have a huge impact on our lives. And we're going to talk about that more in a moment when I explore how hyper independence can form.

  But for now, just know that it doesn't have to be this is something that you do because of a major incident kind of a trauma. So basically what's happening if we're hyper independent is we have an over-reliance on ourselves and an under-reliance on other people. Hyper independence is a strategy and it's a strategy to avoid disappointment, to avoid a loss of control.

  And often it's a strategy to avoid things that we are fearing. It helps us skirt around being vulnerable with other people and it keeps our feelings more within our own control. It looks like I'll just do it myself.

  It looks like having difficulty delegating or accepting help. It looks like being uncomfortable receiving the help of others or resentment that no one helps me and I'm so totally over it. It can also be a dynamic that means we attract under-functioning individuals into our lives or people who are emotionally unavailable because to them, our hyper independence is actually really attractive.

  For many people who are too independent, there is actually a pride in their level of independence. There is a pride in the fact that they are so resilient that they can soldier on through things that they can just tough it out and get it done without needing help. And there can be some identity that comes from that.

  There can even be a sense of self-esteem that comes from being able to do it all. It often also looks like holding really high standards and struggling to rest. So finding it really difficult to switch off, to drop your standards, to not do that thing, to let somebody else help.

  To be someone who is good at resting, we have to be able to switch off. And if you're hyper independent, then there is always something else to worry about. So to quote the prophet Dr. Phil, how's that working out for you? This was a question that Dr. Phil used to ask all the time on his show.

  Back when I was a baby counselor, writing counseling assignments, I would listen to the Dr. Phil show. I think it was on at 12 o'clock, middle of the day, be sitting at home, typing up an essay, reading a book and have Dr. Phil on in the background. I loved his straight talking style.

  And so often he would repeat that question to people who found their way onto his couch. How's this working out for you? What's actually happening here? Is this thing that you're doing helping your life? Is it moving you forward? Is it working out? Is this actually good? And I think that that is really powerful when it comes to this question of hyper independence, because it looks like it is working out for us. It's a strategy to make us feel good.

  It's a strategy to get more done, to be more, to have our lives more within our own realm of control. But if we start reflecting on the true cost of hyper independence, we can often see where there are costs that might not actually be acceptable to us. And I just want to come out and give the spoiler alert at this point.

  Most people, when they reflect honestly about their level of hyper independence, will realize that it is costing them connection. Being this way, living this way, running your life in a way where you are too independent from other people costs you a sense of connection with others. It costs you joy in having that connection.

  It costs you the experience of being supported and feeling held by other people. It costs you some of the best things about being a human being. But it does require of you a bit of letting go, a bit of letting people in, and being able to see how you came to be this independent in the first place.

  Now, when it comes to hyper independence, it looks like competence, but it actually smells like fear. And if someone who is too independent is sitting across from me as a counselor, I'm going to be asking them what they are running from, why they're using this strategy. What is it that hyper independence is protecting them from? If they continue to be this person, what is it that they get to avoid? And if they changed and lived in a slightly different way, what feelings would they be risking? What might go wrong? What is it that they are worried about happening? So let's think about the source and how hyper independence and individuals might develop.

  Some of the things that I often see when I'm looking back in someone's life and trying to understand why they are this way are things like being forced to grow up too early. So maybe there were things going on at home that meant they had to step up and take responsibility. Or there were perhaps adults around them who weren't emotionally as available as they needed to be for their child to grow and flourish emotionally.

  Maybe there was a sense of disconnection. Even if they were provided for really well at home, there might have not been the praise, the connection, the sense of being able to be held by the adults and being able to be a child in that context might just not have been there. You might have needed to be good and needed to not need people because of other things that were going on and pressures within your family context.

  It might have been that your parents just didn't have the capacity to meet those emotional needs because of their own journey or their own struggles. It may have been that your growing up was in a particularly chaotic environment where you couldn't rely on the adults around you or that for some reason you learnt that needing other people was unsafe or lead to feelings that you didn't like. Now I'm just going to do a little plug here for a past episode.

  It is one of the episodes I share most commonly with my clients. It's episode 37, Unbearable Feelings. It's my most downloaded episode of all time and it helps people to identify what's the feeling that you find so uncomfortable that it's actually unbearable.

  You will structure your life to avoid it. This is the feeling you like less than any other feelings and you want to avoid it at all costs. The reality is that there is a cost and there are times in our life when we realise that cost is in fact too high either because of things that go wrong or because of reaching a point of reflection where we realise what we're missing out on.

  So if you're wanting to make some progress and live in a different way and be more connected and take some of the pressure off yourself in your life I really encourage you to listen to that episode on Unbearable Feelings and join the dots between that episode and this one. So let's talk a bit more about cost in the context of hyper-independence. Well it often means that people are shut out from us emotionally that there is a sense of disconnection between us and other people.

  We're a hard person to get to know or we're someone that people don't find it easy to be friends with because we're kind of just too on to it or held together or we're not somebody who kind of needs other people in our social relationships. You might be someone who's walking around feeling like the manager of everything in life the manager of your social circle, the manager at home, the manager of your relationship, the manager at work most likely too. Probably you've been able to get a few pay rises because of this hyper-independence because you're someone who can get shit done.

  Now I'm happy for you about pay rises but the other costs in your life and the fact that you're feeling disconnected, overburdened and can't rest I'm not all that happy about for you. It's often around the early forties when women realise I don't want to live this way anymore. I'm resentful.

  I'm not feeling connected to other people around me. I'm missing out on joy-filled experiences that I can see other people are having around me and I'm kind of doing this a bit wrong. And there's often just a really confronting point of exhaustion.

  I think with hyper-independence occasionally it comes crashing down i.e. someone has a really devastating health diagnosis or a crisis in their family and other people have to come in and support them and that can really knock hyper-independence down because people are forced to accept help and to live life differently for a period of time. But more commonly this creeps up and people take an honest look at their life and go, I'm missing something here. This is not really working for me.

  So what do you do if you want to shift this level of hyper-independence? Well, remember that the goal here isn't in fact becoming dependent on other people. That might sound like an incredibly obvious thing to say but I often have to say it to my clients. We're not trying to swing you from being out here to the pendulum going all the way over to this other extreme.

  We're just trying to find the middle ground. We're just trying to find that point where you have some balance between sometimes being able to do that person who's just getting stuff done and sometimes being someone who can open yourself to the help of others, to accepting that help, to not always having to hold everything together for everyone in every sphere of your life, being able to let that go at times with people who are safe. So if you're doing some reflection on this, I encourage you to think about what are the other ways that people experience safety that are not being in control and being really good at everything.

  Do you feel safest when you're in control? And what do you see in terms of other people's strategies for how they feel safe in the world? And I think a really powerful question that we can ask when we're struggling with a particular issue is what do other people who don't struggle with this issue believe or do that's different to me? So holding yourself up in contrast to others because if other people are behaving differently and experiencing life differently in a way that you want to pursue more of, then they have different beliefs when it comes to this part of their life. So what do people who don't struggle with hyper independence believe and do differently to you? What do they believe about relying on other people? What do they believe about community? What do they believe about relationships? What do they have to believe about themselves in order to let other people help them? What do they believe about standards? What do they believe about what matters and what doesn't? Where it is they apply themselves and what it is they let go of. A little hack I often use as a counselor if I'm working with someone who's addressing a particular issue is I ask them to think about somebody else in their life who doesn't struggle with this issue.

  I get them to think about someone who does things in a way that they really admire when it comes to whatever it is that we're working on. So in the context of hyper independence, you might think about who's somebody that I know, either close up a real person in my life or somebody that I know at a distance or even a famous person who doesn't struggle with this, who seems to be doing this in a way that's healthy but a bit different to me. What is it that I notice about them and how can I emulate that other person? It is such a great hack to quickly get to living differently.

  Okay, so let's explore a whole bunch of different strategies when it comes to budging that sense of hyper independence. I think one thing you wanna do is start to do some practicing, some micro receiving. Look around you for little opportunities where you can allow people to help you.

  Now I've got a really great story about this. I had three kids in relatively quick succession. So I had a just turned four year old, a not quite two year old and a newborn.

  And I remember being out in a cafe one day, juggling the kids who'd been having a play and getting to a point where I needed to put my baby who I'd been feeding back in the carrier. And I realized that there was nowhere to put them down in this cafe while I buckled myself back into the carrier. So I looked over at the next table and I thought, oh no, I'm gonna have to go and ask that lady if she can hold the baby while I get myself sorted out.

  So I carried my little bundle over to this lady and said, I'm really sorry, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but would you mind just holding it? It's only for like five seconds while I just get myself sorted here. Handed over my baby, caught myself sorted and went, okay, like give her back now. And the lady said, you just made my day.

  I loved being asked to help you. I actually live a certain distance away from my grandkids and it has completely made my day to cuddle your baby. And she sat there with my baby for a little bit longer, really didn't wanna give her back.

  But I learned from that point. Wow, actually when I ask other people to help me, they experience joy and I get to experience being helped and being supported. So I started to think about, I'm actually denying people joy and satisfaction when they get to help me.

  If I hadn't asked that lady to help me that day, she wouldn't have had that cuddle with my particularly delicious baby. That was great for her mental health. That was great for her wellbeing that day.

  I did her a favor. So when we are too independent, we actually block people from being able to have the satisfaction of helping us. Now, soon after that happened, I went on a flight with all three of my kids and I was that person asking anyone and everyone in the airport to help me.

  I was like, make way for the lady with all the babies. You do this, here security guard hold this. Would you mind pushing this bag for me? You know, would you mind chatting to this child while I go off and do this? I loved being able to invite people in and seeing the joy, the interactions that happened between my kids and other people.

  So it can be really lovely to be a person who's good at asking for help. Another strategy is trying to run a little experiment where you always say yes when someone asks if you want help. So setting yourself a challenge that for a particular period of time, you're going to say yes to everything.

  And even when people say, let me know if there's something I can do to help you, you will proactively think about what it is that they could do to help you and get that set up in some way. So practicing saying yes, even if it is an experiment for a period of time, is well worth doing. It might be that you're going through something, you're having some surgery, something's happening at home and people are offering you support.

  Well, run a little study for yourself and what does life end up feeling like if I say yes to all of these offers? The other thing you can do if you're struggling with hyper independence is to notice the story that you are telling yourself. Slow down in those moments where you decide to leap in and say yes to that thing, where you decide to say no to that person's offer of help, where you decide you're just going to do it yourself because you can do it better and quicker anyway. Notice the story that you're telling yourself.

  Pause in those moments and become aware of what it is that is playing out in your head. Noticing what you're saying to yourself is a really important way to hold up what it is that's going on and think critically about is this how I actually want to be. Also finding safe people that you can practice with is a really beautiful thing to do.

  Now I had a new friend come into my life last year and I almost want to cry telling you this story but I'm going to cry. I don't know that I've ever done this on the podcast before. This person came into my life at a particular point where there was a lot going on and things were really, really tough.

  It was a health crisis for a member of my family. This person I'd kind of like thought, you're really cool and our kids had made friends with one another, entered my life and at that point they were an acquaintance and maybe someone I'd like to get to know more. But they started showing up on my doorstep, unannounced with meals.

  Now that is something that I would do 10 million times over for other people but they just consistently were delivering groceries to me, bringing meals, sending me encouraging messages and it touched my heart so deeply. Now this person is a firm friend and I absolutely adore them but I had to practice letting people in and one of the things I found really easy about letting this person in was I knew that they got it. I knew that they knew I was a person who found it a little bit tough to accept the help of others and that most of the time I was the one in the helping position.

  Somehow that made it easier for me to have another really competent person who I knew got it, who I knew knew that I wasn't going to ask for help and that they needed to kind of give it anyway was a really beautiful thing and an incredible foundation for our friendship. I know that they're going to be listening to this and I know that they're probably going to be crying now too but find your safe people and practice receiving help from them. The other thing we sometimes need to do is increase our discomfort tolerance.

  So yes, letting someone else do something for us and maybe do it badly or maybe not do it the way that we would do it is something where we have to have an element of being able to tolerate the discomfort of that. The sense of, well this doesn't particularly reflect my standards but it's perfectly good enough and my standards don't matter in this particular context or with this particular issue. So consider whether actually you need to develop that flexibility around your own discomfort in order to be able to drop your guard.

  The other key thing where there can be a need to actually learn some practical skills is when it comes to delegation. There are some great books around delegation but if you're someone who struggles to delegate learning the art and science of this is really helpful. I was doing a leadership course years ago where one of the key takeaways was that people often delegate to others and then don't check in in any way or don't set expectations in a way that means they're going to actually be met.

  They go, can you do this? And kind of leave people to run with it. Now sometimes to be able to delegate effectively we need to be able to give a bit more. I was chatting to a friend recently who's a really busy person and they were lamenting to me about the cleaner and how their cleaner wasn't doing a good enough job and they were going, oh, I'm just going to have to bring this back and do it myself once again.

  It's going to cost my own time. And I went, oh, hang on a minute. Before you do that, I just wonder if you can set the expectations a little bit differently.

  Like can you make a to-do list for when they're there or some kind of like rotating pattern of like this week you do these things and the next week can you do this and once a month can you do these things? Like has this actually been set up for success well enough? Do you need to fire the cleaner or do you actually need to set this up in a way that you're getting the kind of support that you want? So be aware of that tendency to flick into over function to too quickly leap to that I'm just going to do it myself attitude. The other thing I think is really important is pausing when you do receive help. Letting that really hit you.

  Thinking about what's good about this. What am I enjoying about this? What is it that this really added and helped me with? But making sure you squeeze all of the juice out of those moments where somebody does show up and help you. Really reflecting on that.

  Pausing and slowing down. And in Counselor Speak we call this thickening the alternative story. So if you've had a strong story in your life around being an independent person who doesn't allow other people to help them very often and you're wanting to move that then when something alternative happens when the new path starts to emerge we need to thicken that up.

  We need to explore that. We need to allow opportunities to reflect on the new way of being to strengthen the likelihood that we'll keep going in that direction. So hopefully there are some strategies there that you can pick up and start to use.

  Now I want to just talk as we close about the goal of all of this. What's the ambition here and why would you try and move that sense of hyper independence? Well it's true that you can be capable and you can also be held by other people. You can depend on others and you can still be capable.

  You can just apply your capabilities. Apply your skills and talents in the areas that matter the most to you. There are some things that you're currently telling yourself really matter and they don't matter as much as you think.

  So how can you apply your perfectionism? Apply your talents. Do that in the spaces of your life that really matter the most to you and let some of the other things go. Let other people help you with some spaces of your life.

  Ultimately here we want to make sure that you're in control of your life. That you're not on autopilot, that you're not being overly driven, that you're not driving yourself crazy and that you're actually getting to make choices about how you live and where you spend your precious energy. Just a reminder, your worth is not in your achievements.

  It never was and it's never going to be. So if you're someone who's been too independent for too many years, the chances are you see your actions, you see your achievements as a reflection of your worth. Being able to let go and let other people in is a really nice way of being able to judge that over-reliance on our achievements as a reflection of who we are.

  You're loved, you're lovable, you're enough, because of your humanity, not because of what it is you achieve and what you're capable of. The other key goal here is that you can rest. You deserve rest.

  You need rest. If you haven't listened to my rest episode, please go and do that. Rest is vital for us as human beings.

  We need it. It's really important for our health. It's important for our satisfaction in life, for our creativity, for a range of different reasons.

  But being too in control, being afraid of other people disappointing you, holding on to all of the things for too long is a really surefire way to end up stressed, frazzled, tired, exhausted, and sick. We don't want that. So this hyper-independent story, we've got a bunch.

  And one of the biggest things I want you to take away from this episode is the connection that stands to meet you on the other side of this issue. You cannot be this in control of your life and experience the beauty of connection that you can experience in this human existence that you currently have. Don't miss out on it.

  It is one of the most precious and beautiful things. And if you can let go of this, I'm an island thing. I can do it all.

  I can do it all better and faster and whatever. Then you stand to experience connection, joy, and satisfaction in your life that I'd love you to receive. So I'm curious about what you might change as a result of this episode.

  What are you thinking you want to move or try first? Is it reflecting on where this has come from for you in your life? Is it reflecting on the cost or is it taking some actions and applying some strategies to make change in this space? I would love to hear from you if this episode has resonated and I'd love to hear what you do next. But to all the hyper-independent girlies out there, know that there is another way. Know that there are some really beautiful things that stand to meet you on the other side of this.

  You can live differently and the thing that you actually need to control is not all the things. It's how you show up in this world. Remember, hyper-independence looks like confidence but it is so often based around our fears.

  If this episode has landed for you, know that there are a lot of people who are in the same space who struggle to pull themselves away from this too. But there are also people who've walked the path ahead of you who've found some other ways of being and some great satisfaction in that. So how's it working out for you? What do you want to change from today's episode? I know that in my episodes I give a whole lot of different ideas but what really matters is just the one next step that you take.

  So think about what that next step might be and what that's going to look like over the next period of time.