Ep 120: Lost Yourself in Motherhood? Start Here
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
The Quiet Moment You Realise No One Is Coming to Save You
We started this conversation laughing about how we met — one of those slightly random, sliding-doors moments that probably shouldn’t have worked, but did. There was a rural community, some flowers, and (arguably) a moment where I may have come across as mildly unhinged on the internet. Strong foundations for a friendship.
But as the conversation unfolded, it moved somewhere deeper, as these things often do. What stayed with me wasn’t just her story, but the way she has navigated motherhood — not perfectly, not effortlessly, but consciously. There’s a groundedness in how she shows up for her kids, her community, and importantly, herself.
And that’s where this conversation really lives.
Because beneath all the surface-level conversations about motherhood — routines, school lunches, activities — there is a quieter, more complex experience that doesn’t always get spoken about in full.
She spoke openly about the early years, and it wasn’t polished. There were struggles with conception, a difficult pregnancy, birth injuries, mental health challenges, and that deep, disorienting gap between what she expected motherhood to feel like and what it actually was. It wasn’t that there was no joy — there absolutely was — but it existed alongside a level of difficulty she hadn’t anticipated.
At one point, she said something that felt incredibly honest: she had assumed she would have a baby and then continue her life. But instead, everything changed.
And I think that lands for a lot of women, even now. We are talking more openly about “real motherhood,” but there is still an undercurrent of expectation that you’ll somehow remain intact through it all. That you’ll absorb the change without it fundamentally altering you.
But often, it does alter you. Completely.
There’s a particular kind of exhaustion in those early years that goes beyond being tired. It’s the feeling of being constantly “on” — needed from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall into bed. And somewhere in that, it becomes very easy to lose connection with yourself.
She described being encouraged to take time for herself, to go and do something she enjoyed, and realising she didn’t even know what that would be. Not in a dramatic sense, but in a very real, practical way. The question wasn’t “what do I feel like doing?” — it was “what do I even like anymore?”
That’s the part we don’t always prepare women for. Not just the physical and emotional demands of motherhood, but the identity shift that comes with it.
What struck me most was that the turning point didn’t come from a big decision. There wasn’t a moment where she declared a new version of herself or set out to “find her thing.” It was much smaller than that.
It came through a conversation with her kids.
They were talking about hobbies, about the things people enjoy doing, and she asked them what they thought her hobbies were. Her daughter responded, quite innocently, that she liked driving them around.
There was something confronting in that, but also clarifying. It wasn’t about guilt — it was about recognition. That somewhere along the way, she had become only one version of herself, and she wanted her children to see that she was more than that.
Not instead of being a mother, but alongside it.
And from there, it didn’t become a grand reinvention. It started with something simple — planting sunflowers with her daughter. They weren’t even particularly successful. They were in the wrong spot, they didn’t grow especially well, but she noticed that she enjoyed it.
That small moment of enjoyment became a thread. And instead of questioning it or needing it to become something significant, she followed it. One small step led to another, and over time, that interest grew into something much bigger — not just a hobby, but a space that belonged entirely to her.
I think there’s something important in that. We often believe we need clarity before we begin, that we need to know what “our thing” is before we give ourselves permission to pursue it. But more often, it’s the act of starting — however small — that creates the clarity.
Another part of the conversation that stayed with me was the idea that it’s not just about having time for yourself, but about allowing your children to see you as a whole person. Not just in the margins of the day, once everything else is done, but in visible, ordinary moments — sitting down with a book, taking a break, doing something that is simply for you.
Because otherwise, what they absorb is that adulthood, and particularly motherhood, is about disappearing into responsibility. And that’s not a story most of us consciously want to pass on.
At some point, she said, “no one was coming to save me,” and it didn’t land as harsh or hopeless. It felt steady. Like a turning point where responsibility shifted back into her own hands — not to fix everything overnight, but to begin rebuilding in small, manageable ways.
Not back to who she was before, but forward into something new.
That idea came up again later — that you don’t return to your old self after motherhood. That version of you is gone. But what replaces her can be someone more grounded, more aware, and more intentional, even if the path to becoming her is not straightforward.
If anything, this conversation felt like a reminder that rediscovering yourself doesn’t require a dramatic overhaul. It doesn’t require certainty or a clear plan. It begins much more quietly than that.
It might look like trying something small.
Noticing what feels good.
Following that, just a little further.
And trusting that, over time, those small moments will begin to form something that feels like you again.
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Thanks for joining me. And so I came across you online and then I've had to work really hard to convince you that I wasn't a really weird stalker. I love our origin story, it's so good.
I did write and draft a question, I deleted it. But one of my questions was going to be, at what point did you realise I wasn't a weird stalker? No, I never thought that, but I do love our origin story. Yes.
So I found you, we were, we happened to be looking for a house and then I joined some dots and we went, ah-ha, you lived in that little rural community, it's our little enclave. And then you asked people to come to your house to do some flowers for a fundraiser and I tuned up and I'm sure you were like a single white female at that particular point in time. But I'm so cool to get to know you over this time and I think that one of the things I really admire about you is you found hobbies, you found things that bring you joy.
And I see so many women who struggle with that, which is part of a big focus of our conversation today is going to be around that. But that you give yourself permission to do those things and you're adventurous and you're invested in your kids, but you have your own interests. And then you are someone who is really deeply reflective about the world around you and you're the frigging queen of PTA life.
And you show up to do stuff to make the little part of the world around you a better place for your kids and for their friends and that sense of being able to be an engaged global citizen. And then also balancing that with showing up for your people and making the difference you can. And then also not getting so down on that that you can't just like then immerse yourself on dahlias.
Yeah, well, yeah, totally. What a great life you've been. It's so lovely to hear that.
I think you're doing great things and looking forward to having a conversation today. You have been a Liz Mills instructor for years. If you were a Liz Mills class, which one would you be? Oh my gosh.
I would have used to have said body attack. Probably still would actually. I don't teach it anymore.
So I think I'd just go with body attack. What's body attack? So it's high impact high intensity think 80s aerobics but with a modern twist. Aww.
It's so for fun. But it's kind of, yeah, now it's been sort of taken over by all that modern, you know, grit style workouts or, you know, hit workouts. Whereas body attack used to have, you know, the high kicks and the woo hoo.
I loved it. I liked the high intensity high impact as a tagline for you. That's actually like literally probably how people would describe me.
So good. I previously, before my disaster pedic. So I would have said dahlias.
That's still probably my top flower actually. Zinnias, cosmos. All like three of the most easiest flowers to grow.
Aww. So good. And I was telling you the story the other day about how my husband was influenced by you and came home with this singular dahlia.
He was so proud too. He sent me a photo and everything. And it was weird and I just can't do really.
I know I've got more red flowers for him too. Right. You're welcome.
Okay. So my nosy question is, what's your top family dinner right now? Ooh. We've actually been on a food bag tangent lately because I got to that place where I was absolutely sick of cooking the same four meals on rotation.
And so I went to my food bag purely to get some inspiration for different meals. And turned out my kids really like, actually quite like lots of different ethnic foods. In particular, they're really enjoying Japanese at the moment.
Nice. Like just a pokeball or like a teriyaki chicken on rice. They dig it.
Yeah. I think that's one of the questions I'm often like I most want to ask other moms is like, what the fuck's for dinner tonight? Somebody tell me. That's why I love my food bag.
So I just do it and I'm going to do it in little chunks now. Yeah. When I get bored again, I'm going to go back and just, you know, get my wardrobe back.
It's great. Yeah. I recommend.
And I think that that strategy of like chopping and changing with the things that work for you. Like not being all or nothing about doing a little bit when you need it. 100%.
Well, when you've got like your school activities through the term and you know if there's something every night that way, you literally have to be very organised, not my forte. So I found that we'll just be eating the same stuff. Sorry.
My food bag is great because it gives all that kind of is variety. Yeah. My kids didn't love it in the beginning, but now they're actually quite into it.
Aww. Yeah. What is the best thing about motherhood right now and the worst thing about motherhood right now? The best thing.
Oh, my kids are it. My kids are at an amazing age like that there are little people now. So the best thing is actually hanging out with them is like little humans.
Like I am really loving that. The worst part is probably the same thing. Like they're growing and it's like I want to freeze this time.
Like the next sort of three to four years I think are going to be like so special and precious. And I'm like, yeah, I want to freeze it and like hold on to that because then, you know, then we're going to be into like the teenage stuff, which terrifies me. And then we'll be into, yeah, we won't have kids at home.
So, yeah. You've got one about to start school. I was recounting to my youngest recently that I felt really sad when she was starting school.
And I said to her, I'm not really for you to start school. And she said, but I'm really mum. Aww.
Yes. Like it's the cutest. They're so really for the next steps when they come.
It's so interesting because you look at them when they're like four and you think, oh, my gosh, you're so not ready. And they hit four and a half and you're like, oh, wow. You're such a different person now.
And you're so ready to go and do this next step. My son's been at home since the start of the Christmas holidays because he finished his preschool and then our preschool shuts down over the Christmas break. And we sort of thought, well, let's just keep him home for the month until he turns five once school goes back.
And he's so ready. It's been a long summer for him. He's missing his friends.
Yeah. I think he's at blast. But he's totally ready though.
Yeah, that's cool. New life stage and coming. And if you had a plane ticket to one place, where would you go? Oh, oh my gosh.
I probably go back to Europe somewhere. I really loved spending time there. So yeah, I probably would go Ireland and visit.
Yeah, visit like my family, history and yeah, Ireland, Scotland. So good. Was the Instagram journey accidental? Yeah, totally.
It was a motherhood thing. I went through quite a tumultuous beginning after my first baby or even leading into that the conception and everything. And one day I just started writing and sharing on Instagram because I felt like surely there's other people out there who are struggling like me and within my media group of friends, no one was kind of grappling with some of the things that I was.
And I really wanted to feel validated, seen and understood by people who got it. And so I just started putting it out there. And so initially my Instagram account was very much my motherhood musings, if you will.
And then yeah, probably pivoted. If you call it that a couple of years ago into sort of more gardening focus content because naturally, you know, through the motherhood journey, you stop kind of focusing on all those little things that might be, you know, sleep schedules and many times your baby's pulled that day. And yeah, and then you start kind of really remembering who you want to be and who you were and gardening sort of became my thing.
So cool. I want to talk to you about the motherhood journey because I really respect that you will talk about the things that have been hard about that. And I think one of the first posts that I saw of yours was about, you know, body changes after motherhood and what impact that head on exercising and then what flow on impact that head on mental health.
And I love those honest conversations about what it is that we're going through and just bringing a whole lot of that stuff into normal conversation. So the motherhood journey was pretty rocky. Yeah.
We struggled with conception initially and that was down to the fact that I had undiagnosed endometriosis, which was a bit of a shock at, I think, 30, 31. I found that out, had some surgery and then did manage to get pregnant, which was really cool. And then my pregnancy was really rough.
I was still trying to teach. I really wanted to be that fit mum who was like literally doing a body attack class before she gives birth. I had really unrealistic expectations of what pregnancy was going to be like.
And I think on about week 12, I injured my back. I was still teaching at this stage. I injured my back and that pretty much stopped any exercise I could do.
And that really rocked my mental health, which already was in a pretty tender state as it was. And then the pregnancy hormones rough ride through and towards the end of that pregnancy, I ended up with a late diagnosis of gestational diabetes, which then popped me on quite a bad trajectory in terms of the birth and the plan that I had in my head and how that was all going to work. Yes.
There was a combination of things that happened and then fast forward through the birth, which wasn't particularly fun. I ended up with quite bad abdominal separation. And I thought that was going to be the thing that really kind of threw me, but it turns out there was more to come.
And that was my bladder prolapse, which I found out about within the first few weeks. And I also had lots of problems breastfeeding. I ended up being hospitalized twice with mastitis and it just, it really sucked and I hated it.
I desperately just wanted to be with my baby and you know, in this kind of little love bubble and it wasn't, it just wasn't happening. Yeah. Yeah.
So that first sort of year with my daughter was pretty hard, not because of her, but because of all the other stuff that was happening. Yeah. And at some point I realised no one was coming to save me.
Yeah. And I had to kind of pack myself back up and get on with it. So yeah, it's become, yeah, a bit of a, a bit of a theme I guess for me is to know that this isn't going to be easy and I need to really work on my mental health.
That's probably a whole other conversation as well. Yeah. One of the things I think is interesting about this stage that we are at with like primary school or nearly primary school age kids is that you do get reflective looking back at what it was like when you had little kids.
And I know for myself and talking with friends, there's a lot you have to forgive yourself for. 100%. I, it has helped for me that when I finally realised that I actually needed some clinical help for my mental health, that in receiving a couple of diagnosis for my mental health and a clinical capacity has given me that permission to look back with a lot more compassion that I had for myself at the time.
Yeah. And it's hard to accept that, but that's probably the thing that I'm quite passionate about it now. Like if you need help and you need that permission slip and that validation then go and get it because then you, you're kind of diffusing all that shame that you probably feel about that time.
Yeah. That's really big for me because for a long time, for the first probably four years of life, that's not my fault. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. And you look back and you realise, oh, it was, well, it was like this. And there were some really hard things about it.
And I did my best. And I showed up. But that wasn't the idyllic kind of early years that I had hoped to have with my babies.
And it kind of sucks that moms think that that's what they are walking into. And I think that's probably why I'm passionate about talking about the full spectrum of motherhood. Yeah.
The joys, the highs, the lows. And all the things that can happen. And a lot of people say, oh, you know, you don't want to tell a new mom's tumor.
You don't want to scare them off. And I'm like, actually, if we walk into the space with an understanding of what it could be like, I feel like the shock factor is lessened if it does happen. And I'm fairly certain there's research out there that shows that that is the case that it diminishes the possibility of, you know, women ending up depressed with anxiety and all sorts postpartum.
Yeah. If they know. Yeah.
That most people had a mixed bag experience. Right. Like, it wasn't all wonderful.
And it also wasn't all awful. No. Even in the awful times.
You still loved your children. They were still great things happening. 100%.
Yeah. You shouldn't have to carry it. All that stuff with that though.
Like, I love my child. Yeah. Totally.
And those honest motherhood mental health conversations. Yeah. You know, since I had my first seven and a half years ago, that conversation has changed so much from, you know, talking about birth injuries to birth, to mental health, to having hobbies.
All of that stuff is so much more out in the open now. Yeah. It's only going to continue.
And that makes me hopeful for our daughters. Yeah. You know, that next generation of moms.
So nice to think about that. Like, what am I contributing to for the woman that came after me? I think we've done a lot of healing and a lot of, um, a lot of work and it's paving the way for, yeah. The next generation of woman, which is really nice.
So you're at a stage where, you know, some of the early years suffers behind you. You've, you know, been able to work your way out of some tough mental health times. And then you've made space for something that brings you joy.
It's talked to me about gardening. Yeah. Oh, God.
I think I could talk for hours. Flower gardening. Did it start with VGs? No.
Well, it's, it started with some sunflower seeds. If I'm randomly. So I, um, I've always, actually, I've been probably indoctrinated into gardening since I was a child because both my grandparents had really impressive gardens, both quite different.
But, um, then I grew up on the typical, like, quarter acre, Kiwi section and mum had a garden and a veggie garden. And it's always been in my DNA, if you will. Yeah.
But I never really kind of got it personally until I, um, yeah, with my daughter. I, I just had Bob, my son, and I was really struggling with that transition. More so probably going from zero to one.
The one to two hit me even harder. Yeah. I really found that tough.
Um, not only just having the two kids, but the disconnect with my eldest. Like, I found that stage trying to figure out that new relationship really hard. And so, um, I realised that she quite liked some sunflowers.
I can't even remember where that came from or why. I think we'd randomly sprinkled some, um, some where and she thought it was cool. So, you know, I started thinking, well, it's part more.
And so we planted this little strip by her playhouse and they were terrible. They would, were in the wrong part of my garden. They didn't even grow that well, but she loved it.
But I think I loved it more. Um, and it just kind of triggered this next stage. And I booked some bulbs and some dahlias.
And then it just kind of continues. And, um, now I'm fully garden obsessed. And it's like my thing.
Yeah. Do you mean to tell me I should be worried about my husband's purchase a word? Probably. Are you going to end up with a panic zone? Or the sunflower seed that came home from school.
Years. Yeah. No, I, yeah, I think, um, I just, I'd always had an interest in it.
And because we live on 10 acres, I did want to get into it. And to growing food and things. And I, and I do grow food.
Um, but it's the, the flowers and the fun part that really, yeah, fill my cup. It's quite out of this world, your garden. Yeah.
And I love it. Yeah. The parts you see on Instagram are nice.
So good. The parts I show. There's plenty of, you know, there's a lot of work in progress.
Yeah. There's a lot to be done in my garden, but, um, I just love it. Yeah.
I think one of the key things for women is giving themselves permission to have time to do the things they want to do, whether it's gardening or something else. Or the things that look after themselves. Or the, you know, the, the little kind of micro interests or self care things, whatever it is that they need to do.
You actually have to think in a really particular way to give yourself that time. You do. So talk to me about that.
What are the, what are the beliefs, the thoughts that you hold that allow you to have space for your hobbies? Hmm. Um, an interesting kind of pathway to that actually because my husband's always been very supportive of me and, um, making time for myself. And he would often say in those early years, just book something and go and do something.
Yeah. And I found that really, really hard. Looking back now, I realized it was the anxiety and being separated from my child.
And I didn't naturally want to do that. So I didn't. And I also remember a lot of times him saying, just go and do something and me thinking, but what? What do I go and do? I literally don't know what I like anymore.
I don't know. I don't have a thing. Um, he's quite clearly on his hobbies.
He's really into hunting and being outdoors and hiking and all, you know, all the things and, um, makes a lot of time for that and loves it. And I'm supportive of that, obviously, but I didn't have that thing. Um, and I clearly remember this conversation with my kids and we were, um, talking about how dad was away and they were kind of semi annoyed, like, why is dad away without us? He was on a hunting trip.
Um, you know, I started to kind of tell them, you know, how you guys play with your toys and that's your thing. And you find that really fun when you go up and you don't really have toys anymore, but you have things that are still fun and that you like to do. And for dad, that's hunting, right? I was like, you know, I've got hobbies too.
And what do you think mine are? And, like, it's my daughter turned to me. Yeah, this is a few years ago now. Just out the mouth of babes and says, um, I really think you like driving me and Bob around in the car mum when I just was like, wow.
Okay. Yeah. And that was a huge sign for me that, okay, they, they see me as mum and that's fine.
But I want them to see me as more than mum. Yeah. I want them to see me as a full, whole person with interests and hobbies and, and, and, you know, just a human being as well with dreams and, yeah.
Yeah. And so that was, that stuck with me. And in the beginning, I think once I'd kind of got this, you know, gardening thing and that was my thing that, that helped.
But that conversation really drove me to consider, okay, you got to, you got to go and do some stuff now. Really? My vision of that story is for a, you know, a lovely Mother's Day thing that came home from Kendi. My heads were asked, what is mummy like to do? Vacuuming.
What does mummy do for a job? Vacuuming. And the whole thing was vacuuming that all they could get out of the child. And I thought, yes.
And you know, the, the dead stories that came home for Father's Day was so much more interesting. I know, right. Oh.
And I just, I don't know, I think like, I didn't want to get to my baby's 18th birthday and then go now what? Like, who am I? I didn't want to do that journey then. I wanted to start now and who am I now and who am I in Motherhood as well. Not at the end when I am suddenly free.
You know, it's, this is life now. And you said something really interesting there about I want my children to see me as a full, you know, a whole human who's happy. I think one of the things that I find really interesting for mum's is that so often there idea, idea of what they can fit in as like, once the kids are in bed or getting up early in the morning before the kids are awake and need them.
And we don't actually let our kids see us doing things. My vision of this is that I've been trying to make a real intentional effort to let my kids see me relax. Like, I'm stopping now.
I'm going to sit on the couch with my book. I need to do that too. I'm going to sit on the swinging seat while I have my cup of tea and look out into the distance.
Yes. You know, like that, actually they have to literally see us doing things. Yeah.
Yeah, a hundred percent. And I think also too, starting now at such a young age, when our kids understanding like, that's mum's time, that's dad's time and they have their own time. And then we come back together as a family and that's okay.
You know, we're very much that sandwich generation where we've got the old appearance and the young children and we probably have less of a village and less support than either. And so you, like, I feel like we spend a lot of time together as a family and that will change with play dates and bits and pieces obviously. But it's important for us to, like you say, between the hours of Sivan and Sivan, still be able to do stuff for ourselves.
We shouldn't have to be on 24 seven for our kids. Yeah. They can see us doing our own thing as well when they're awake in there.
Yeah. It's good. It's a good thing.
Absolutely. One of the worst things for my mental health was that sense of like at the beginning of the day. And then I don't get to breathe out.
I literally, yeah. I've only really discovered that in probably the last 12 to 18 months to be honest. Yeah.
I have that, that's how I've been feeling like all day. Yeah. Yeah.
Now you used to do it at the start of school holidays as well. Yeah. I can't do this.
I'm driving myself crazy. That's it. That's it.
I loved that. That's it. One of those things that you wish that people had told you about motherhood, because I think we've had a couple of those now.
So much. Let's go there. Oh, gosh.
Yeah, I think. Probably there's so much that you can only learn by being in it and there's so much that you can only understand once you're in it. I was definitely one of those people that thought I'm going to have my baby and then my life continues and the baby just comes along and it would be great.
No, my life completely changed and I think probably women are more aware of that now these days because we're having more conversations about it, social media has been great for that. This whole hashtag real motherhood is a lot more prevalent now. But I do, I think understanding that life is going to change dramatically in being okay with that but also that you do come back to yourself in a different kind of way and that's quite exciting rather than fighting for that old version of yourself in that previous life letting go and accepting and just waiting and seeing what's where you're going to end up.
I didn't really fully grasp that until I was in it I think and deepen it. Yeah, that ends just all the probably body changes. I just thought I was going to bounce back or I hate that term but I definitely didn't.
But again I don't think you can fully prepare for that until you are in it and all the stuff you learn about yourself navigating all those changes and yeah, that's something you have to just do. It's kind of dramatic but I often end up talking to clients about like motherhood is a trauma. Becoming a peer, it's a trauma.
Parenting is a trauma like this is, when you think about what makes a trauma like, yes there's like little tea traumas, cumulative things across our lives and I'm a big fan of us acknowledging those things too. But if we think about trauma as an incident and event, life is never the same after this happens. 100% well yeah, it's a huge event and life is completely different.
The old you's gone, there is no way forward other than creating something new here. And I think of all the ways that I've changed and all the ways that I've grown in motherhood and I wouldn't not want that now. I look back at the girl, I say girl, and teaching me that I was before I became a mother and she was quite naive and yeah, I would love to go back and be that naive again just for one day.
But also I love who I'm becoming because of what I've been through. Okay so lots of women sit in front of me in a counselling capacity and they say I just don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my own time, how do I know? I don't have anything I feel interested in anymore, where do I start? I get there because I was there as well but I've always been a person who's always had interest in things that I love, like pre-kids I've always been a fitness person, love my fitness, that changed dramatically after kids because of the birth injuries and things. I fought my way back to a place where that became a big part of my life again but I loved photography, going on walks with my dog, hiking, the outdoors, adventures travel, like there is, when you really start studying with it, you can think of a lot of things that you do like but I think I had got to a place where I was so deep in the hole of that, you know that brief that we're talking about that and holding on to my breath all day that I had no capacity to think about that stuff properly anymore and so I genuinely think it was finding small things every day to make myself feel better, to then give myself back that energy and capacity and space to go. I actually do really do like that and I'm going to just go and do that thing and whether that was a walk with my girlfriend up the hill or a weekend away or going and buying a plant from the plant store and putting it in the ground, it doesn't have to be, I am a gardener now, I'm a sonarion, this is my thing, it can be simple little things that we just go and do and we try and I, yeah, I never actually, I still am into photography and bits and pieces but it's funny how your hobbies do change and your interests do change and you just have to kind of try something small and start small and if you don't like it, that's fine, go and do a public class and if you hate it, cool, that's off the list.
Do a new fitness, just getting yourself mentally into a better place, I think is literally the first place to begin, before you can then start going, yeah, what is it that I like, let's try some stuff. I think the things I like about that are lessons for other people, that it was something of a surprise, what it is, you felt like it's not like you set out to like radically pursue this particular thing. So it kind of was just, I did that and I liked it and it felt good so I did that and then, you know, the sunflowers turned into paddocks of daggers, that surprise factor is an element of it.
I'm this sort of personality and I don't know why now but I hyperfixate very hard on things and because I wanted to be sunflowers for my daughter and I wanted to be a little garden for her, you know, I spent hours on YouTube and really and then that kind of opened my eyes and I kept sort of digging and digging and going deeper and then I bought daily and then I bought this and that and then, yeah, next thing, you know, there's a whole panic. But it wouldn't have happened unless I'd just taken that small little steep and gone, I'm just going to plant those little seeds. Yeah, it's a great metaphor.
Yeah, there's also another part of that that I heard in your response that was, you know, I had a sort of base level of starting to look after myself again. And I heard that and I kind of thought about like the hierarchy of our knees and that so often for mums, actually getting out of that trenches kind of feeling and doing the basics of looking after yourself often has to come before the building that next layer of being able to observe the things that you're finding joy-filled and want to do more of. Yeah, and for me that that coincided with taking my mental health seriously and seeking external help, yeah, it coincided with getting out of active wear every day, it coincided with yeah, little things like making sure I did wash my hair once a week and, you know, like literally the basics, it sounds so stupid now when you reflect on where you are.
But when you are in the trenches and you are really struggling and you've got no idea what you like anymore or any of your interests and you just feel like all you do is make school lunches and white bumps and you just literally in this groundhog day that is hard and I keep saying it but no one's coming to save you. This is something that you have to do and whether that's with help or without it's up to you. And there's lots of stuff that flies around social media but I love that meme that comes around every now and then where it talks about how it's their childhood and it's their first time doing this and doing that but it's your first time too, it's your mother host and it's your this is your season too as well as them and you want to make their childhood magical and you want to have all these core memories for them and you know and I love that I love that sentiment and remembering that you're going to look back on these years too and do you want to look back and feel resentment or be a little upset and obviously there's that compassion side as well but yeah I think if we can help ourselves and that's that's where we start.
Yeah I think that one of the things our generation and we have got you know both days very close to each other having tuned 40 at the end of last year. One of the things I think our generation saw in our mum's and to some extent our dad's as well was you know our mum's often didn't work or work less or part-time or something and they really lived for their kids up until the point that their youngest had 18 and then their kind of next chapter of life started and that's different for us. Now the juggle looks juggly and yeah quite different but also part of what that created was a really clear well you live for your kids in this chapter and then you have to find yourself again when the kids turn 18.
What are your observations and experiences about it? I don't want to be that kind of mum. I mean I live for my kids of course but it kind of came to me and those you know darker days where I realized no one was coming to save me and I needed to get out of this place and part of that was showing up as a person in the world for my kids and I've said it before I wanted them to know me, see me, understand me and that began then and I don't want them to leave home and then I go through that reclamation process you know in my 50s when I'm menopausal. It's going to be rough anyway.
I want to ride out that period with a really clear sense of who I am and there's this poet Khalil Gabran and this beautiful poem that he wrote called On Children and he talks about and I'm going to make a mess of it because I can't remember the exact phrasing but he talks about how our children are not our own they come through us and we don't own them and if we build everything around them and then they do go it's just going to be so I mean it will be life changing anyway when you become an empty nest but oh that will burn so bad if you've got nothing else it's the same goes with your relationship right like you know the husband's going to be there at the end as well and if you've not continued that connection and that relationship then it's just like this triple whammy isn't it and I just didn't want that so yeah I think it's so important to remember that the season is yours too you matter to your joy and your hobbies and everything matter and the moment you forget that then tell me about your top self-care things exercise number one I have to move my body I've seen what happens when I don't and I've seen how far down the whole I can go I have to move my body every day and it used to be there used to be a moment to that in terms of my self-worth and my image and everything literally now it's for my mental health it's how I manage my anxiety it's how I manage stress it's how I manage yeah everything my moods I'm now entering that beautiful stage of pyramenopause it's like it's literally a life-saving moving my body every day and for the people around me yeah so that that's a non-negotiable and in regular time with my friends I was never good at that in the beginning and yeah I've come to realize that if you don't plan it it wouldn't happen and it just doesn't and although it may take you know 10 or 15 times you just have to keep dry yeah even if yeah there's one of you that's always cancelling because there's a child inevitably sick but yeah those probably two of my my top two yeah so I signed up to do a half marathon I've done a few now and no no a while ago I've already done it it's not a current girl wow and I was running through the shoot you know at the end and the funny thing that happens for me is because I am so so I end up running with the marathon runners and then if you like the Christchurch marathon where it's like laps you end up you know finishing together with the with the elite marathon runners I love it and so it was a time when they were you know there was an announcer like saying things while people were running through the finishing shoot yeah and the announcer goes you know here comes Charlotte she's running today for it's his mental health and I was thinking like I think that he thinks I'm signed up to run this for like a mental health strategy I'm like nobody it's my own mental health yeah it's for me it's just be clear about that so I you know I've been reluctant on the exercise front but my realisation has been that actually everybody loves to move and regardless regardless with their personality wise or interest wise you're into exercise you can't go to do it yep you do and I think as we approach this next stage of our life like into our 40s 50s it becomes more and more obvious the people that are arising there and the people that don't and for me I want to be that grandparent if I'm you know if my kids have babies but yeah I want to be that older person who can still move and still live her life and yeah that's that starts now like yeah you have to keep going yeah how are the chin ups going though oh I've got a new goal now so still working on that but then there's you know all those other stuff that I'm doing as well but yeah I can still get one yeah um but yeah and is that how you work the exercise part of your life like you have little things you want to come times I think since I um you know I taught lots of great fitness classes for years and so my goal was always to be kind of fit for the classes and for other people which is really interesting and then now I only teach one class a week and I'm fit enough for that clearly and so my goals are sort of shifted to more strength based stuff and I like those little mini challenges and so after my I had surgery um to fix some of my birth injuries and after that one of my goals was to keep back to doing full push-ups and it took me a while but I got it and so yeah I quite enjoyed that so I thought oh there's other ones that I can do and yeah almost to run 10k and it was to do a chin up and yeah yeah and so I will keep going with different goals and yeah what's the space? So good so one of the things that I see pop up on your social media from time to time is a stance that you're making about a global issue or something that you're sharing trying to raise awareness for other people being alert to what's happening even in our country or something that is you know a cause worthy of people's attention and I talk to so many people who find the state of the world literally having a day-to-day impact on their mental health but they just feel like why am I raising kids in this what hope is there in the future you know every day waking up to some more heed lines and thinking it can't get worse and then it gets worse somehow talk to me about what you do with that yeah um I think my personality leans me leads me to hyperfixating and things like that and getting really caught up in the new cycle and I actually have to say props to you you sent me a podcast of yours one day which talked about how much do you need to know yeah and it was really powerful for me because at that point I think I was sort of really quite low like you've been explaining about you know raising my kids in this kind of world because I was so deep in the new cycle and staying on top of every single atrocity and I would never not say look away to someone because I think we all have a duty to understand what is going on and what is happening in the world and we have access now to every single atrocity and not saying we need to know everything that's happening but you were so right how much do we need to know and how far into the new cycle do we need to continue and so I've definitely pulled back on how much I absorb and how much I die you know digest daily and I have put that energy into a community and into the PTA yeah and into the world around my kids and making sure I regularly donate and you know I have the means to do so and contributing to my community in ways that make a tangible difference and I think that's the only thing you can do because you know we're in a pretty rough trajectory in terms of current events and I don't know that it's either going to get much better but we can impact the people around us and that's all we can control and all we can do and it's yeah translating that energy into that rather than until I do spiral of that yeah literally yeah that episode had a lot of traction with people and one of the key things I said in that was thinking about who you want to be in the world yes like what character do you want to be in a story yeah and actually strangely that is almost easier to think about like we read stories of global atrocities like the Holocaust and we think oh I would have been this person I would have done this this is what I what I would have done and then it's quite hard because we are living out a certain global reality right now they're actually thinking about who do you want to be when you think about past events what do you imagine would be important about how you show up then how do you do that today yeah I love that and I can't remember who I think I can't remember who the person that said it was what's gonna annoy me now but you always look for the helpers yeah and yes that is my character I want to be the helper yeah the person that just gets in and gets it done and yeah um be I want to be that person that people look to or join in with yeah and surely that is a critical skill for our kids okay about the future that they have to learn the same thing we're going through right now of now what do I do you know the world is like this now what action do I take they need to see that yeah definitely yeah if we all bury our head in the sands that's not going to buy wealth records yeah yeah it's surely something that's going to be part of the future yeah yeah what are you doing your relationship stay connected don't ask me a question we're so bad at this um I think that's like that is probably one of the things that I really do want to work on this year and we've talked about it for years we really need to do things that light us up individually and there is crossover there with Brent and I which is really cool we we do both really enjoy the outdoors I actually like going hunting with him we've started take the kids along we both love campaign we've got a caravan like there there is a lot of stuff that we do genuinely enjoy together but we're shocking at planning in one-on-one time and it does very much feel like we're ships in the night at this stage in our relationship and I think we probably just put a lot of faith into the depth of our love for each other and our connection um no well I mean because if we didn't then I don't you know I don't know where we would be right now like we have something to celebrate oh a hundred percent like we will say to each other like we still wake up every day and choose each other you know we're still and I would every single day of my life like I genuinely treasure our love story and I know that it was like such a chasmid meeting of us of two people and I yeah I feel really lucky that I found that and that I have that but we probably do take it for granted yeah um so yeah we it is something we definitely want to work on and it is tricky like my parents don't live in the South Island um Brent's mum is older her kids are a lot you know it's we don't have that kind of hands-on village yeah um but as I get that little bit older it gets easier right so we still haven't had a night away from our kids ever um and see about a half years I know it's it's rough um and that's partially been our own doing like with co-slate with our kids most of their lives um still do like the still it's like literally um what's that um part again with the chairs yeah musical chairs it's like musical beds in our house um still there's seven really eight-year-old and a five-year-old but and I know that will change eventually um so yeah I think those days are coming and we're holding on for dear life yeah oh and so tell me what goals have you got at the moment what's Hannah working on uh really getting stronger with my fitness like I want to be just like a beast um I want to lift really heavy stuff and just push my body to the limit which is exciting yeah I'm I am excited to do that I've never I've always been like a cardio fit like running kind of girl sweat and try and pass out yeah um so I'm really trying to transition to more of like the fit yeah stronger yeah and I think that's important for the stage of life that I'm in in terms of you know perimenopause and what my bones lead and my body needs uh the relationship stuff is a really big focus and we really want to work on that a lot more this year and um and just making lots of um core memories of the kids like they're in such cool stage like we're out of the stage of packing the buggy in the portico and all the things and like we can literally pack up and go and it's not a big deal anymore and we're really keen on um just getting out and seeing our country with the kids yeah I mean we live look what we live we're so lucky so yeah that probably this the top three such a cool stage except the difference between you and I as we discussed recently was my boundary on adventures as it has to be a shower yeah yeah so I I don't know I definitely did probably be a bit more precious about that previously but now I'm like ah it's fine maybe that's my work on for this you can you can buy like a little guests like hot shower yeah portable one you'll be right and so tell me business wise you guys have a business called mortgage mates we do amazing offside of called beks who's a fellow school mom yes yeah tell us about that yeah so that's um gosh it's been like I think we're coming up 12 years this year and business yeah and beks and bring out the mortgage advisors brokers and the business and then we have a small but mighty team that's six of us yeah and we are the the go-to brokers I guess and North Canterbury yeah um got a little office above Ford Cafe on Kombay Lane and yeah we just love her it's um it's been a really right decision that we made in our 20s to begin a business because it's given us so much time with our kids and flexibility and the ability to work around them so yeah feel really lucky oh I think that every mortgage broker I have even known before has been some old dude who didn't understand our stage of life and our goals and I think these days the cost of living demands on families they appreciate that put some relationships yeah such an important time to get good financial advice yeah we find you yeah we kind of pride ourselves on being quite down to earth we're all like a similar stage to our clients we've got young families yep we understand what it's like um and yeah you can find us on our website right um dub dub dub dot mortgage mates dot co dot indeed yeah or just google us or look us up on social media and I know that this question will be in at least some people's seats but you do like non-rural people too uh a hundred percent of us I mean I I grew up in a small town and then I lived in Kraschitz for years in the city I was a city slicker uh we've been in my new order for oh it's like nine years now yeah crazy oh but good time for people to get advice that fits with the estate of life as well they definitely and not sponsored sponsored so luckily they have you and I said to you earlier today I'm so excited to actually get to sit down and talk to you without kids for the first time ever I know everyone else gets to listen to our chat too totally thank you for coming on thank you for having me.
