Ep 119: You Want More. They Don't
By Charlotte Cummings | Feel Better Podcast
What If You Want More Connection Than Your Partner?
This is a really common situation.
And it’s also one that people don’t always talk about openly—because it can feel quite vulnerable to admit:
“I want more from this relationship than I feel like I’m getting.”
Not more in terms of them as a person…
But more in terms of connection. Depth. Emotional closeness.
It can feel like there’s a kind of ceiling in the relationship.
Like this is as good as it gets—and you’re not sure what to do with that.
Usually, This Wasn’t How It Started
Most people don’t choose a relationship thinking:
“This is probably going to feel a bit disconnected long-term.”
So if this is where you are now, something has likely shifted.
Life has gotten full.
Pressure has increased.
The way you show up for each other has changed.
Or sometimes there’s been a rupture somewhere—something that’s made connection feel less safe, or less natural.
So before jumping straight to “this just isn’t working”, it’s worth asking:
What’s changed here?
This Is Actually Something You Can Talk About
One of the things I think is really important to name is this:
The level of connection in your relationship isn’t just “how it is”.
It’s something you can talk about.
It’s something you can have needs around.
It’s something you can negotiate, like anything else.
You’re allowed to say:
“I don’t feel as connected as I want to.”
“This matters to me.”
“I need more than what’s happening right now.”
That’s not unreasonable.
That’s part of being in a relationship.
But They Might Not Experience It the Same Way
Here’s where it gets tricky.
Sometimes your partner just… doesn’t feel the gap in the same way you do.
And I often think about this a bit like exercise.
We all know exercise is good for us.
But not everyone actually does it.
And usually, the people who do exercise regularly—even if they don’t love it—have experienced enough of the benefit that it feels worth it.
Connection can be like that too.
If someone hasn’t really experienced deep emotional connection, or doesn’t fully understand what it offers…
It’s not going to feel like a priority.
So Part of This Is Helping Them “Get It”
Not by pushing.
Not by criticising.
But by letting them in on your experience.
What does it actually feel like for you when you are connected?
What changes in you?
What feels better?
Because if they’ve never really felt that in a meaningful way, they might not know what they’re missing.
Sometimes It’s Not Resistance—It’s a Skill Gap
This is a big one.
A lot of people genuinely don’t know how to:
have deeper conversations
sit with emotion
respond in a way that creates connection
That doesn’t mean they don’t care.
It might just mean they haven’t learned.
And often, that comes back to what they’ve seen growing up.
If emotional connection wasn’t modelled…
If no one around them relates in that way…
Then this can feel unfamiliar, or even uncomfortable.
So it’s worth asking:
Is this unwillingness—or is this a skill gap?
Because those are two very different things.
Look at What Might Be Getting in the Way
If connection isn’t happening, there’s usually a reason.
It might be:
Stress or overwhelm
Mental load
Feeling criticised or unsafe
Not having the capacity
Sometimes it’s not that they don’t want connection.
It’s that something is making it hard to access.
So part of this is getting curious about:
What’s actually in the way right now?
And Also… Notice How They Are Showing Love
This is where something like love languages can be helpful.
Because sometimes the issue isn’t that your partner isn’t showing up—
It’s that they’re showing up in a way that doesn’t naturally land for you.
So alongside asking them to meet you more in your language…
There’s also an invitation to notice:
Where are they already trying?
What are they doing that is an expression of care?
What effort might you be overlooking?
Both things matter.
Getting Support Is a Reasonable Step
If this is something you’re struggling with, it is completely reasonable to say:
“I want this to feel better, and I think we might need some help with that.”
That could look like:
counselling
a course
learning something together
It doesn’t have to be dramatic or overwhelming.
But wanting your relationship to feel better is not too much to ask.
And Here’s the Hard Truth
Sometimes… this is a deal breaker.
If your partner has a very clear ceiling on the level of connection they want—and it sits below what you need to feel fulfilled—
That’s not something you can always solve.
You can try.
You can get support.
You can work on it together.
But in some cases, this is the thing that determines whether a relationship continues.
And it’s important to be honest about that.
But It Can Also Be a Growth Point
On the other side of this…
I’ve also seen couples learn this together.
And it can be incredibly rewarding.
Sometimes the partner who wasn’t that interested in connection at the beginning ends up really valuing it—once they experience it.
So this doesn’t have to be the end of the road.
It can be the start of learning something new, together.
A Gentle Next Step
If you’re wanting something practical to start with, a really simple entry point is Give Me 10 Minutes.
It’s designed for couples who are busy, or who don’t want something too intense or confronting.
Just a short weekly audio to help you:
reconnect
understand each other better
work through the things that get in the way
Sometimes small, consistent shifts are what actually change how a relationship feels.
If this is something you’re navigating, you’re not alone in it.
And you’re not unreasonable for wanting more connection.
The question isn’t just “can this be different?”
It’s:
“Are we both willing to work towards something better here?”
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Okay well here we are with another Ask Charlotte episode and this one is a juicy question but also something I think people will find really relatable and I know that this will be relatable because it actually comes up in counselling quite often where one partner wants a level of depth and connection with the other partner that the other partner is not necessarily up for. So there's kind of an experience of there being a ceiling or a limit in the relationship in terms of how connected it is going to feel.
Now I don't want to overly gender this conversation but sometimes this errs more on the side of the male partner if it is a male and female relationship being the one who is less interested in that sense of connection, where that's less of a priority and sometimes where there are some patterns around the person not knowing how to do that deep connection, even if they perhaps wanted to or be okay with that, they haven't learned how to do that. So what we're going to talk about today is what to do in this situation and really kind of the dilemma of this, how do you navigate this issue and what do you do if you can't resolve it? So my encouragement here is that when it comes to the level of connection you experience in your relationship, this is actually a negotiation like any other topic. This is something where you have the ability to say I want this to be different and we need to meet in the middle somewhere on this.
I need more than what's going on at the moment, this is not what I wanted and one of the things I think is really tough here is that people wouldn't sign up for a relationship with a particular individual if they thought that there was going to be a limit to the experience of connection they have within the relationship. So usually what's happened here is the goalposts have moved in some way, the efforts to show love to one another have maybe kind of gone off the boil, life's got busy and full, maybe with different stages of life, with kids or work demands, things have kind of put some pressure on the relationship and connection is less of a priority. But I doubt that anybody would sign up for a relationship where they thought I'm not really going to feel good in this long term.
So often something has happened or there has been some kind of conflict or lack of safety that has led to the change in the connection status. So that was important to do some reflection around, has something changed in our relationship that has led to our level of connection being what it is? Do they need something different from me in order to experience emotional safety with me or is there something else that we need to adjust in terms of taking the pressure off us? A really well-known marriage counsellor that I did some training with years ago said one of my top recommendations for couples is get a cleaner in terms of taking some of the load off and resolving some of the day-to-day arguments about the running of the house. So think about are there things that you can do that protect your sense of connection and why has this changed? But remember that ultimately this is a topic that you can negotiate like every other topic in your relationship.
You're entitled to have an opinion on it and to have needs that you're able to express. I think it's really important too if you want more connection in your relationship, if you want to experience a greater depth with your partner, that you talk with them about why this is important to you, how it actually feels for you and what it does for you when there are those moments of connection, depth and safety within the relationship. Now I kind of liken this to the matter of exercise.
We all know that exercise is good for us but some people exercise and some people don't. For some people it is just not a priority but I think that for most people who do exercise, while they might not love it and they might prefer not to have to do regular exercise, they on some level enjoy it or they probably wouldn't keep doing it. So there is something that those people who enjoy regular exercise and do this regularly know and feel that people who don't exercise regularly don't know and feel and it's the same when it comes to connection.
We actually need to experience this and know that it is good to want to do more of it. So I would be curious here about how well can you explain what it is like when you do feel connected within your relationship and the benefits and good things about that. How do you get them to feel good when there are those moments of connection that really highlight for them this is something that you might want to do more of.
Make it inviting. The other key thing is for a lot of people they do not know how to do this. They don't know how to have deep conversations, they don't know how to be emotionally vulnerable, they don't know how to kind of catch someone when they're sharing how they are feeling and I've got a whole lot of content already on the podcast to support this if you're needing to do some learning in this space but I'd encourage you to think about the skill gap.
Is there actually a skill gap here where they don't know how to do this and where we might need to work on this together. That might be listening to podcasts together, reading a book together, doing a course together but think about how do I address whether there is a skill gap here. How do we do that together? You're not entirely responsible for this but you might need to lead with some ideas.
Also the family culture that we come from has some bearing on this. If they haven't seen emotional connection between their parents maybe this just isn't the norm for them. If there aren't friends around them who have really strong relationships maybe they also just don't think that this is something that happens.
So think about those examples and setting them up to know how to do connection in the first place. You can also comment there on what you've historically enjoyed, what it is that you'd love more of that they used to do. That can be really helpful in helping encourage people in the right direction.
The other thing to consider is what's stopping them because most of the time if people are not enjoying connection in their relationship there is some kind of barrier. Now that might be that their unbearable feeling has something to do with this. It might be that they are so stressed they don't have the time and capacity to connect with you but consider what the barriers are and make some plans around that if you can.
Now one of the things that the concept of love languages helps us appreciate is that for all people we have a primary way of giving and receiving love and sometimes what happens in a relationship is your love languages are different. Now I absolutely think that if we're in a long-term relationship with someone we need to learn to speak their language. We need to learn how to show love in a way that lands best for them.
I fully appreciate that and I also think sometimes we need to translate their efforts. Where are they trying to show up for you? Where are they trying to show love for you? What are they doing that is expressing love from their side that you might need to translate and recognize and see for yourself? Because the chances are there are some efforts there but you might not quite be seeing them. For example if your spouse is an active service person you might need to notice the things that they're doing for you or the things that they're doing for the family in this season of life and if you're a person who has words of affirmation yeah they're going to need to learn how to affirm you and speak nicely to you and praise and encourage you but also you're going to need to spot their acts of service too.
The other thing that I would say here is that getting help for an issue like this, improving your relationship, feeling more connected to each other, is actually a reasonable request. That is not something that should feel completely not okay to do or dangerous for someone. It's a reasonable request for your spouse to say I want this to feel better, we're kind of struggling with this, I really want us to get some kind of help.
Now I've got a whole episode on how to get your spouse to go to therapy if that is something that you need to dive into but basically one of the things we're looking at here is finding some form of help that is acceptable to them. Sometimes you might need to let them pick who it is that you go and see but holding that line of actually I really want to do something about how our relationship feels is a reasonable request in a life partnership or long-term partnership of some kind. Now here I go with an unpopular opinion and this one is ultimately pretty tough.
If you're with someone who doesn't want to have the same level of connection as you in the relationship, if they have a ceiling to what it is that they want, to the level of depth that they desire from a relationship that is just really different and below your bottom line, then this can be something that is a deal breaker in relationships and you can try all of the things to help them learn how to have those connections but this is ultimately something that I have seen couples part ways around and getting the best help that you can before you make that decision is certainly something that I would advocate for because sometimes you need professional help to get this sorted but it is ultimately something you don't have to stay in. If you're not feeling connected, if you're not feeling like your partner's emotionally invested in this relationship, this is something that can be a deal breaker and from my perspective that is something that is really important to name. On the flip side, this matter of learning to be more connected to one another is actually a journey that you can take together and it can be really life-giving and really surprising and satisfying even for a spouse who is initially not that interested and doesn't really get why this is a priority for you.
So approach this as a learning journey together and if you need help and assistance, this is a really good topic to get some outside advice and support around. Now just a little reminder here, if you need a next step that is really non-threatening, my online course Give Me 10 Minutes is perfectly placed to help with this kind of issue. Give Me 10 Minutes is an audio series that you both listen to a brief 10-minute clip each week and it helps work through some of the barriers to connection that couples have, whether that's conflict or communication or needing some insights into how one another works or how you show love in a way that lands.
Give Me 10 Minutes is a really non-threatening way for busy couples to reset their relationship and couples say it is particularly effective at restoring that sense of connection between them, so check that out if you need to. It's available on my website anytime and also throughout this year I'm going to be running cohorts where you can do this together with other couples in a way that's anonymous and protects your space together as a couple but where you have that support and camaraderie that you know other people are doing this with you. So to the person who asked this and anyone else listening along who this feels relevant to you, I wish you all the very best in getting that connection that you're really craving.
